Apologue #51: LDR

Sorry for my lack of creativity lately. I’ve been struggling with writer’s block these past couple weeks and I don’t know how to shake it off. It’s funny how it happens. I have so much I still have to say but the words don’t come. It’s as if my fingers are disconnected from my brain waves and can’t pick up any signals. It’s the funniest thing and I’m trying hard to get back on track (so, I’m apologizing now in case this apologue is written really horribly). My humblest apologies.

Not only have I had been struck with writer’s block but I have also been bitten by the love bug. And it sure is a nasty bite I would love to share. For my daily readers, it’s someone you already know. I’ve started having a fancy towards my good friend, Ron. But it’s been rough between him and I this past month where this all started.

It actually happened very nonchalantly as old friends would be when it comes to reconnecting. One phone call from him and we were chatting nonstop like teeny boppers yammering about the N’Sync concert (I guess, it’s all about One Direction now, sorry for reminiscing back to the 90’s).

Countless after countless hours of phone conversations, texts, and skyping — my old ticker started pumping once again and I’m sprouting shocking pink hearts of lovey-doveyness at any mention of Ron. It’s hilarious and sad altogether. But it’s definitely also been rough. With working on my end and him being a grad student, our schedules are definitely top notch hard to match. Hence we actually text more than we actually can talk and save our weekends to rewind and binge-talk for hours. It’s not a bad start but having a six hour driving distance is definitely rough too since we really don’t have a chance to drive to each other.

Being the emotional girl that I am, I’m pretty dead set on how my feelings are for him but I have the feeling he’s still in the gray area of things. I know that he likes me, and I know he loves talking to me (and you know how men are on the phone, they do not like talking more than 10 seconds tops), and he definitely makes the time and effort to be there for me, even if it’s only verbal so I guess it’s enough emotional support for now.

But he’s really thinking hard if this LDR (Long Distance Relationship) is good for the both of us. I’ve done it and it’s rough, I won’t lie. He has never had any experience here so I can tell he’s scared even though he hasn’t told me. And I wish there was still some way I could reassure him but let’s be honest, no relationship can be steady and stable without a sturdy trust foundation — and this kind of trust is different in a couple from a friend, and I feel this is where he’s having a lot of trouble.

I honestly can say that I can trust him enough that he won’t cheat or do anything bad while he is apart from me, but I don’t trust the people and the environment he is in, and that does lead to small doubts that there may still always be a chance he could do something wrong. Same goes for me as well. That whole, “out of sight, out of mind” is not a lie.

It’s so difficult and hard to handle how we like each other but we both can’t take a step forward in making this work in fear we would hurt each other (even in the smallest of things). If only one person out of the two of us had the fear and the other was more aggressive to make this work, it would be better. But sadly, we both share similar personalities and characteristics, and we think way too much and end up at a standstill in limbo.

What is the best solution to this problem? Should we back off from each other until our situations become better? Should we still pursue one another no matter what because we both share feelings, no matter the outcome of good or bad? Or do we just talk for hours together FOREVER? Is LDR a lost form of love and shouldn’t be tampered with? These questions and more are cluttering every crevice of my mind and it’s literally driving me crazy (even though I seem perfectly normal and at ease on the outside).

POKER FACE! 🙂

Love Quote #11: The Scariest Thing . . .

The Scariest Thing . . .

It’s crazy scary because this is EXACTLY how I feel right now to the last dot. The person can love me and cherish me and I’d be the happiest person on earth, or break me and curse me and I’ll feel like the most broken anyone has ever felt. It’s ridiculous how we grant so much power to the ones we love but at the same time, don’t calculate the fact how much of that power can be used against us and leave us broken and thrown away like last night’s garbage.

It’s insane because when you think about it, this person that’s in front of you that you’ve been thinking about all day isn’t just there in your head, but in you heart and soul. This person starts creeping into your realm and you start believing that they’re the missing link to your everything and even begin to believe that your existence coincides to their existence.

Just the thought of them make you whistle about through your morning wondering when they’d call next. Your finger itches to check if there were any missed messages or if you should text them first. You look up at the clouds and wonder if they’re looking up at that exact same time too and thinking about you. And as the wind brushes through your hair, you wish it was them sliding their fingers down your hair and it puts a smile to your face just at the thought of it.

It’s scary, I know. Because no one will know just how much this is important to you. No one can feel just how frightening it is that your feelings have ever progressed this far about someone. No one.

Apologue #49: Slooooooow Men

One of my pet peeves when it comes to dating is slow men. You know who you are and what I mean. Men that are indecisive and don’t know what they want. It drives me up the wall. Frankly, it should drive any woman up the wall and bat crazy at that. If you’re just slow and that’s how you date, that’s alright. But if you’re slow whilst still doing all the flirting and talking late into the night bit — I no longer know if you just want some booty or you’re just.that.thick.

Take for example, my college buddy, Theo. Yes, the one who “led” me on but didn’t know because of his lack of relationships. (Click here and read bulletin No.2). Sure he drove me crazy for almost two years of our friendship and yes, I did invest a heck of a lot of time and effort to make him see me for who I am, which of course crashed and burned because he was just.that.slow. It was horrendous. I don’t even like talking about.

Maybe there’s a breed of men that are just supposed to be hard to read or figure out. Maybe they reside in some kind of neutral zone, like Switzerland! between the sexes and that’s why they’re awesome because they are generally, straight heterosexual males but with androgynous features that gives them the ability to still enjoy sports and be macho but also sensitive and talk with you long hours into the night.

When I think about Theo, all I remember are our long phone conversations. This was in college too, so we definitely invested a lot of time that we shouldn’t have if we both knew where this was going, which was a dead end. Each day we awoke to texts from each other and wishing one another a good day. Which then led to texts here in there in between class periods. Then of course instant messaging (ahhh~ the days of AIM) whilst we “study” at home or the library. Then we’d both have a break and eat something and have a little of our own time to ourselves and then end the night with an average of five hours (you heard right, FIVE freaking hours) EACH night as we fall asleep to the sound of our voices and then BAM. It’s morning again and we do it all over again.

I’m not crazy and I kid you not, that’s what I did with him for 2 freaking years and pondering WHEN THE HELL HE’LL STRAP ON HIS BALLS AND ASK ME THE FREAK OUT. Of course, in the end I gave up. Me and my naive self could no longer hold on patiently and I was frustrated to the point where I thought my pride would break. I left without looking back and don’t give him the time any more. He, on the other hand, has no idea what caused the change in our friendship. He’s still single and has always been single. Good riddance.

Isn’t this ridiculously frustrating? What is it? Don’t you really know? It’s not that hard to figure out what you want, right? What are you hiding and calculating for you to take this long? The reason I’m frustrated thinking about this all over again is because I’m yet again in a situation where I am a sitting duck with another Theo. I don’t know why I put through with it again.

Example number two is my dear friend, Ron. You all remember, Ron, my sweetheart. Update on him now is that he’s broken up with said girlfriend a month ago and is single and ready to mingle. He’s single which definitely makes me feel better about not having to worry about shying him away but now we’re talking more than ever again and it’s confusing again. I know I stated before that with him, I should make some more changes and take more chances because I felt like I lost something great when he got himself a girlfriend. But now, months later, that feeling of infinite is gone and I’m back to square one where I was with him.

We still do two to three hour phone conversations and texts along the way. When mentioning the time I’ve been spending on Ron to one of my friends, they were extremely happy of the circumstances but the minute I mentioned if this doesn’t seem all too familiar and pop in Theo’s name, my friend sat there stunned with a worried expression and was silently cursing throughout our conversation. She knows how bad it was and doesn’t want me to endure that all over again. Which I surely hope I don’t make the same mistake of dragging this one on for years into the future. I no longer have the strength.

But really, men. Sometimes I just don’t understand what you’re doing. Even when I know it’s not a booty call and I know you’re not that kind of guy — why on earth are you tormenting not only us, but yourself with this? It’s not just us that’s putting our time and effort on the line. You too, are investing a lot of time for nothing if you don’t make a move. Don’t you realize that the longer you pull this off, the harder it will be for BOTH of us to find ANYONE to date. As OM stated when I asked for advice on this, why on earth would any guy want to date me if I spend three hours into the night talking with another dude no matter how close we are? This applies to you too because I can guarantee you that no future girlfriend will find you cute talking to another woman for three hours just to chitchat. Don’t kid yourself, we’re programmed to be jealous and we will never stop nagging you for it.

So, is it because there’s something blocking you in wanting all of this or are you that slow that you can’t make up your mind? My patience is drying up and I don’t know how much longer I can wait for you no matter how awesome you are and how much I love you for what you mean to me. Sayonara, dude.

Apologue #48: The Red String of Fate

Ever hear about the red string of fate? It’s all about love. The red string of fate, also referred to as the red thread of destiny, red thread of fate, and other variants, is an East Asian belief originating from Chinese legend and is also known to be used in Japanese legends, as well. According to the myth, the gods tied an invisible red string around the ankles of men and women who are destined to be soul-mates and will one day marry each other. Often, in Japanese culture, it is thought to be tied on the pinky finger.

The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers — regardless of time, place or circumstances. The magical string may stretch or tangle, but can never break. The myth is similar to the Western concept of soul-mates or a destined flame.

There are many folklore tales such as these in other foreign cultures that I have heard about. I remember one Greek legend about how humans used to two beings born to be stuck together by the hip, until the gods split everyone up into single beings, and so we search wholeheartedly of our other “missing” half/twin. The concept of soul-mates through legends that transverse through time and in different cultures are always so captivating to hear about and learn.

We all know that these legends have been romanticized dramatically to aspire young people about love, but I’ve always had a heart for them and will always lend an ear to hear more. Believing in destiny has become a young person’s game but it never hurts to dream every once in a while under a blue moon.

Just Friends

I know that I don’t own you,
and perhaps I never will,
so my anger when you’re with her,
I have no right to feel.

I know that you don’t owe me,
and I shouldn’t ask for more;
I shouldn’t feel so let down,
all the times when you don’t call.

What I feel, I shouldn’t show you,
so when you’re around I won’t,
I know I’ve no right to feel it –
but it doesn’t mean I don’t.

Lang Leav

Apologue #46: My Six Types of Love

Within the many different archetypes of loves in this world, I have tuned myself to remember the six types that most people will encounter in their lives. Some were good, some were not so hot, and some were downright outrageous but experience-wise, it was all good in the name of love. Who knew there were so many types? Let’s go see what we can dig up!

First is Eros: a passionate, physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment aka the stereotypical “romantic” love. This one is the hot spot of all relationships. The most memorable and fun, romantic and blissful. It’s the one where you can’t entangle your hands away from each other and you’re not particularly doing anything but constantly attached to the hip.

I try to be romantic every once in a while even though I dream of romanticism every day. But the one I remember most in this type of love was with a dear friend. Our emotions and experiences were constantly challenged and heightened with each new experience because everything was so new both of us. There’s tingling just by locking eyes even though you aren’t kissing, your smile feels like it’s hooked up onto your ears and you can’t help it because everything that your eyes see feels like a dream and feels so surreal, his small touch on your hair sends shivers down your spine — it’s just unbelievable. I don’t know if it was because I was young and naive or because this was the first time in everything, but you get hooked like a drug, wishing you’ll never come back to reality.

Ludus: a love that is played as a game or sport; think conquest. Toying with someone’s emotions and playing them for sport, thinking of conquest, is WRONG. You can’t conquer over someone. Sure, you could dominate, heck, it could even potentially be called a game even in the idea of thinking of the whole relationship concept as a “dating game.” That’s as far and close as I have ever gotten my hands dirty in the thrilling idea of the “chase” in pursuit of gaining someone’s heart driven from my true feelings.

Storge: an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity. This love is everybody’s sappy first love. It’s the story we all know and always talk about. You either learn from it or get real hurt by it. It’s tough love falling for a close friend. My advice, the relationships you make from friends are best from friendships with long histories because even if it doesn’t work out in the end, the friendship may still take a toll but will eventually come back with some leeway because of the friendship history to come back on. Short term friendships don’t work so hot in these areas.

Pragma: love that is driven by the head, not the heart. This is a problem area for me because I feel that since I’m very calculative, I’m always in this area in the scheme of beginning relationships. I can’t help myself to plan out the ideas and see prospects of what could happen. I watch out for my own back too many times that I missed out on great opportunities. No one feels romantic by someone who uses their heads too much in a heart-filled place. As a woman, I’ve learned that it’s okay to be strong, but every once in a while, you need to lean on your man and trust him in order for things to come into perspective.

Mania: obsessive love; experiencing great emotional highs and lows, also being very possessive and often jealous lovers. I can confidently say that I have never been possessive over my boyfriend. Sure, I have been jealous a couple times but I have never obsessed over him to the point where I would want to control him. That’s ridiculous. But, I have had boyfriends that had a mania love towards me where they were extremely over-protective of who I meet and where I go. I can think of two exes that fit this category perfectly solely on behavior and mental analysis.

Of the two, there was one that was a fine boyfriend all-around, but he was indeed the type that goes bonkers and just mad hare crazy when he can’t reach me. I remember one time, I was at some meeting with a couple of friends and I had my phone on vibrate in my purse and didn’t know he was calling. I had already told him where I would be but he called to reach me nonetheless. By the time the meeting was over (which was about 2 hours), I found myself with about 30 missed calls and equally 30 voicemail messages. He was the type that even though he knows where I would be, since he’s not there with me, he HAS to find out and know I’m okay and safe. Possessive much? A little bit. Controlling? Not really. But SUPER-OMEGA-OVERPROTECTIVE.

Lastly, Agape: a selfless altruistic love, like spiritual. To love someone that transcends all other meanings of love and bring out an emotional and spiritually connection of bondage between me and my literal, soul-mate — has not happened yet. This is the type of love that I am still direly searching for. I have found this type of love that I share with God, and I feel that it only exists exponentially with a deity. We as humans have too many driven feelings of joy, sadness, jealousy and fear that I don’t believe we can love another human being such selflessly. I’m sure the meaning is different between married couples, and of course a parent to a child. There is a special bond of love there and I’m sure we can love unconditionally, but to connect to a spiritual level of selfless altruistic love without any personal selfishness — I feel, among humans, seems close to impossible.

Apologue #44: Timing is a Bitch



Kids, your old Aunt Robin knew exactly what she was talking about. Timing sure is a bitch. It’s as if the heavens didn’t have enough to gloat and laugh about from our own daily miseries and decided to add the concept of “perfect timing” as the tip of the iceberg in trying to ruin our decent lives — correction, relationships.

This is the story about how I was once engaged to a wonderful man named Zachery and how horrible our timing was. Zachery proposed during the spring semester of my freshman year in college. Yup, fresh out of high school but fresh into college — what a genius we both were.

It was a time when we were too young and naive to know anything better. Our youthful hearts got in the way of everything and we truly believed that love will solve all our problems. But in all seriousness, we actually planned it out and thought it was a good time. We weren’t that stupid. It just seems those times were ignorant now that I’m wiser and older, or whatever I am now.

I was a freshman starting my pre-med program and he was seven years older and working on his Ph.D towards electrical engineering. We were two nerds in a pod. And frankly, it didn’t bother us much. We’ve already been together for almost two years so school was already much part of our lives. We were just happy to be in the same school together.

We as a couple didn’t do much when it came to the romantic essence of things. We studied, ate, and fell asleep on desks most of the time. He and I were both new to the town and starting fresh, so we didn’t have much friends to hang out either. But it was okay, we pretty much felt married anyways, nagging and all.

After accepting the proposal and planning the wedding we tried to be logical and realistic to the best that we could. We knew each other too well and we both knew that as much as we wanted to be married, the now aspect of things wasn’t a good time. We decided that there really is no use rushing and being the considerate gentleman he was, he knew I needed lots of time to pull off my dream wedding. So, we decided to get married after I graduate from college — he was willing to wait 3+ years for me.

There was never a trace of guilt for having to wait on each other for that long. I wanted to finish school first and at least try and find a decent job and he agreed. He wanted to get most of his program done too before having to worry about marriage life. We managed to be negotiable and understanding as best as we could.

It sounds all good up to here. He was perfect and I was dandy. But time — never holds still for anybody. It wasn’t long, probably half a year, when he started asking funny questions, such as, if I could graduate earlier, what kind of career path I’m looking into, where would I likely want to live, etc. Then he started asking if there was any chance of moving the wedding to an earlier date. I don’t know why, but I started seeing red flags everywhere and I couldn’t explain to myself, why I would in the first place.

I really loved Zachery, I really did. I really wanted to marry him, I truly did. But it scared me to death every time he brought up the topic of bringing up the wedding sooner.

It wasn’t until one day, he went out of town with a couple of friends for some man-time, when he suddenly to call. Naturally, I figured that it was a call about him hitting the road soon or to not wait up. He called to tell me what a great time he was having with the boys and of course, he’d be late but to also check the text he’ll be sending after we hang up. Sure enough, a picture text came and behold, it was a photo of some house. It was extremely beautiful and mesmerizing until I see his text that reads, “I found our dream house. Should we buy?”

I didn’t think he was serious so I brushed it off until he the next day when he asked how I liked the house again. I exclaimed how beautiful it was and asked how’d he find it, but in all seriousness, he asked again if we should buy. I was dead in my tracks. I couldn’t breathe a word to him. I just blankly stared not knowing what to say. I was like a deer in headlights.

He then started raving about how the house is perfect in his ever so excitable voice, and how the city is right in the middle of his parent’s place and my parent’s place so the drive on both sides wouldn’t be too long and unbearable. He then started saying it’s a good time to go ahead and buy it now if we like it so much and then we can move right in without having newlywed troubles of finding a place to go. And he was convincing me that he knew that as soon as he saw the house, he knew that I would love it because it looks exactly like the ones I used to describe on the top of my head on how the porch looks like, or what color it was, or how big the driveway would be.

Zachery really was a great man, and enthusiastic at that. I felt really guilty but it just wasn’t the right time. Rushing everything made me feel as if everything in my future was already predestined because he was taking full control of everything. I didn’t feel happy but more panicky and full of stress and anxiety. I wasn’t relieved that he was being assertive and actually doing something and planning a life for us. It may sound selfish, but this is our life we would be spending together until we die, why weren’t we doing this together? And why on earth is he suddenly rushing when he promised he could wait? What possibly changed?

I tried to persuade him the best that I could that buying the house now isn’t the smart thing to do. We wouldn’t know if that city is where we would be 2-3 years from now after we graduate. We wouldn’t know if we would be able to find good jobs that we like in that city. We just wouldn’t know of anything that could possibly happen that could deter our futures.

Zachery, of course, didn’t buy any of that. He went on full macho-man-mode and started going off, “If we’re going to get married anyway, why not sooner so we have more time together?” or “Are you having doubts about this marriage?” or my ultimate favorite, “Do you not love me anymore?”

In the end, without my consent, he bought the house. I believe that he still owns the house but whether he still resides there is unbeknownst to me since it has already been years since we broke up and ended all forms of contact. But when we did break up, not even two days later, he resigned from his workplace, gave up on his degree program, packed up and moved into that house.

As much I know how much (or maybe not so since I am not him) pain that I inflicted upon him, it hurt me too, how much I had hurt him and literally broke him. As much as I wanted to be honest and tell him how afraid I was on the rush, or how I wasn’t ready as he was about this kind of commitment, maybe we could have found an understanding, I will never know.

Maybe if we had met later in life, it would’ve been better and not end like this. Maybe if we had fallen in love later, much later — after we became good friends, I wouldn’t have lost him forever. Maybe if I was stronger and not so emotionally weak and tested, maybe if I was wiser and older and knew what was right and wrong and be able to say it — he’d still be my life and not an empty hole from my past.

I blame it on timing. I really do. I’ll be dead honest when I say that I’d be lying if there weren’t drops of insecurities and hairs of commitment-phobias, but the timing wasn’t right for the two of us to make those kinds of great decisions at such a young age. I wouldn’t have been able to even drink a toast to wine on my own wedding for crying out loud if I had fallen through and gotten married earlier than planned. But of course, who knows if I’d have ended up happy with three kids on my lap by now as I write on my blog.

Nonetheless, as much as I cared for and loved Zachery with all my heart, having that ounce of doubt and dodging red flags meant something, and I probably still would have made the same decision if I had to relive that moment again. I’ll be honest when I confess that I believe I won’t meet a man like him ever again. He’s indeed very special.

Just wish that timing would have thought so as well.