Apologue #51: LDR

Sorry for my lack of creativity lately. I’ve been struggling with writer’s block these past couple weeks and I don’t know how to shake it off. It’s funny how it happens. I have so much I still have to say but the words don’t come. It’s as if my fingers are disconnected from my brain waves and can’t pick up any signals. It’s the funniest thing and I’m trying hard to get back on track (so, I’m apologizing now in case this apologue is written really horribly). My humblest apologies.

Not only have I had been struck with writer’s block but I have also been bitten by the love bug. And it sure is a nasty bite I would love to share. For my daily readers, it’s someone you already know. I’ve started having a fancy towards my good friend, Ron. But it’s been rough between him and I this past month where this all started.

It actually happened very nonchalantly as old friends would be when it comes to reconnecting. One phone call from him and we were chatting nonstop like teeny boppers yammering about the N’Sync concert (I guess, it’s all about One Direction now, sorry for reminiscing back to the 90’s).

Countless after countless hours of phone conversations, texts, and skyping — my old ticker started pumping once again and I’m sprouting shocking pink hearts of lovey-doveyness at any mention of Ron. It’s hilarious and sad altogether. But it’s definitely also been rough. With working on my end and him being a grad student, our schedules are definitely top notch hard to match. Hence we actually text more than we actually can talk and save our weekends to rewind and binge-talk for hours. It’s not a bad start but having a six hour driving distance is definitely rough too since we really don’t have a chance to drive to each other.

Being the emotional girl that I am, I’m pretty dead set on how my feelings are for him but I have the feeling he’s still in the gray area of things. I know that he likes me, and I know he loves talking to me (and you know how men are on the phone, they do not like talking more than 10 seconds tops), and he definitely makes the time and effort to be there for me, even if it’s only verbal so I guess it’s enough emotional support for now.

But he’s really thinking hard if this LDR (Long Distance Relationship) is good for the both of us. I’ve done it and it’s rough, I won’t lie. He has never had any experience here so I can tell he’s scared even though he hasn’t told me. And I wish there was still some way I could reassure him but let’s be honest, no relationship can be steady and stable without a sturdy trust foundation — and this kind of trust is different in a couple from a friend, and I feel this is where he’s having a lot of trouble.

I honestly can say that I can trust him enough that he won’t cheat or do anything bad while he is apart from me, but I don’t trust the people and the environment he is in, and that does lead to small doubts that there may still always be a chance he could do something wrong. Same goes for me as well. That whole, “out of sight, out of mind” is not a lie.

It’s so difficult and hard to handle how we like each other but we both can’t take a step forward in making this work in fear we would hurt each other (even in the smallest of things). If only one person out of the two of us had the fear and the other was more aggressive to make this work, it would be better. But sadly, we both share similar personalities and characteristics, and we think way too much and end up at a standstill in limbo.

What is the best solution to this problem? Should we back off from each other until our situations become better? Should we still pursue one another no matter what because we both share feelings, no matter the outcome of good or bad? Or do we just talk for hours together FOREVER? Is LDR a lost form of love and shouldn’t be tampered with? These questions and more are cluttering every crevice of my mind and it’s literally driving me crazy (even though I seem perfectly normal and at ease on the outside).

POKER FACE! 🙂

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Apologue #49: Slooooooow Men

One of my pet peeves when it comes to dating is slow men. You know who you are and what I mean. Men that are indecisive and don’t know what they want. It drives me up the wall. Frankly, it should drive any woman up the wall and bat crazy at that. If you’re just slow and that’s how you date, that’s alright. But if you’re slow whilst still doing all the flirting and talking late into the night bit — I no longer know if you just want some booty or you’re just.that.thick.

Take for example, my college buddy, Theo. Yes, the one who “led” me on but didn’t know because of his lack of relationships. (Click here and read bulletin No.2). Sure he drove me crazy for almost two years of our friendship and yes, I did invest a heck of a lot of time and effort to make him see me for who I am, which of course crashed and burned because he was just.that.slow. It was horrendous. I don’t even like talking about.

Maybe there’s a breed of men that are just supposed to be hard to read or figure out. Maybe they reside in some kind of neutral zone, like Switzerland! between the sexes and that’s why they’re awesome because they are generally, straight heterosexual males but with androgynous features that gives them the ability to still enjoy sports and be macho but also sensitive and talk with you long hours into the night.

When I think about Theo, all I remember are our long phone conversations. This was in college too, so we definitely invested a lot of time that we shouldn’t have if we both knew where this was going, which was a dead end. Each day we awoke to texts from each other and wishing one another a good day. Which then led to texts here in there in between class periods. Then of course instant messaging (ahhh~ the days of AIM) whilst we “study” at home or the library. Then we’d both have a break and eat something and have a little of our own time to ourselves and then end the night with an average of five hours (you heard right, FIVE freaking hours) EACH night as we fall asleep to the sound of our voices and then BAM. It’s morning again and we do it all over again.

I’m not crazy and I kid you not, that’s what I did with him for 2 freaking years and pondering WHEN THE HELL HE’LL STRAP ON HIS BALLS AND ASK ME THE FREAK OUT. Of course, in the end I gave up. Me and my naive self could no longer hold on patiently and I was frustrated to the point where I thought my pride would break. I left without looking back and don’t give him the time any more. He, on the other hand, has no idea what caused the change in our friendship. He’s still single and has always been single. Good riddance.

Isn’t this ridiculously frustrating? What is it? Don’t you really know? It’s not that hard to figure out what you want, right? What are you hiding and calculating for you to take this long? The reason I’m frustrated thinking about this all over again is because I’m yet again in a situation where I am a sitting duck with another Theo. I don’t know why I put through with it again.

Example number two is my dear friend, Ron. You all remember, Ron, my sweetheart. Update on him now is that he’s broken up with said girlfriend a month ago and is single and ready to mingle. He’s single which definitely makes me feel better about not having to worry about shying him away but now we’re talking more than ever again and it’s confusing again. I know I stated before that with him, I should make some more changes and take more chances because I felt like I lost something great when he got himself a girlfriend. But now, months later, that feeling of infinite is gone and I’m back to square one where I was with him.

We still do two to three hour phone conversations and texts along the way. When mentioning the time I’ve been spending on Ron to one of my friends, they were extremely happy of the circumstances but the minute I mentioned if this doesn’t seem all too familiar and pop in Theo’s name, my friend sat there stunned with a worried expression and was silently cursing throughout our conversation. She knows how bad it was and doesn’t want me to endure that all over again. Which I surely hope I don’t make the same mistake of dragging this one on for years into the future. I no longer have the strength.

But really, men. Sometimes I just don’t understand what you’re doing. Even when I know it’s not a booty call and I know you’re not that kind of guy — why on earth are you tormenting not only us, but yourself with this? It’s not just us that’s putting our time and effort on the line. You too, are investing a lot of time for nothing if you don’t make a move. Don’t you realize that the longer you pull this off, the harder it will be for BOTH of us to find ANYONE to date. As OM stated when I asked for advice on this, why on earth would any guy want to date me if I spend three hours into the night talking with another dude no matter how close we are? This applies to you too because I can guarantee you that no future girlfriend will find you cute talking to another woman for three hours just to chitchat. Don’t kid yourself, we’re programmed to be jealous and we will never stop nagging you for it.

So, is it because there’s something blocking you in wanting all of this or are you that slow that you can’t make up your mind? My patience is drying up and I don’t know how much longer I can wait for you no matter how awesome you are and how much I love you for what you mean to me. Sayonara, dude.

Apologue #44: Timing is a Bitch



Kids, your old Aunt Robin knew exactly what she was talking about. Timing sure is a bitch. It’s as if the heavens didn’t have enough to gloat and laugh about from our own daily miseries and decided to add the concept of “perfect timing” as the tip of the iceberg in trying to ruin our decent lives — correction, relationships.

This is the story about how I was once engaged to a wonderful man named Zachery and how horrible our timing was. Zachery proposed during the spring semester of my freshman year in college. Yup, fresh out of high school but fresh into college — what a genius we both were.

It was a time when we were too young and naive to know anything better. Our youthful hearts got in the way of everything and we truly believed that love will solve all our problems. But in all seriousness, we actually planned it out and thought it was a good time. We weren’t that stupid. It just seems those times were ignorant now that I’m wiser and older, or whatever I am now.

I was a freshman starting my pre-med program and he was seven years older and working on his Ph.D towards electrical engineering. We were two nerds in a pod. And frankly, it didn’t bother us much. We’ve already been together for almost two years so school was already much part of our lives. We were just happy to be in the same school together.

We as a couple didn’t do much when it came to the romantic essence of things. We studied, ate, and fell asleep on desks most of the time. He and I were both new to the town and starting fresh, so we didn’t have much friends to hang out either. But it was okay, we pretty much felt married anyways, nagging and all.

After accepting the proposal and planning the wedding we tried to be logical and realistic to the best that we could. We knew each other too well and we both knew that as much as we wanted to be married, the now aspect of things wasn’t a good time. We decided that there really is no use rushing and being the considerate gentleman he was, he knew I needed lots of time to pull off my dream wedding. So, we decided to get married after I graduate from college — he was willing to wait 3+ years for me.

There was never a trace of guilt for having to wait on each other for that long. I wanted to finish school first and at least try and find a decent job and he agreed. He wanted to get most of his program done too before having to worry about marriage life. We managed to be negotiable and understanding as best as we could.

It sounds all good up to here. He was perfect and I was dandy. But time — never holds still for anybody. It wasn’t long, probably half a year, when he started asking funny questions, such as, if I could graduate earlier, what kind of career path I’m looking into, where would I likely want to live, etc. Then he started asking if there was any chance of moving the wedding to an earlier date. I don’t know why, but I started seeing red flags everywhere and I couldn’t explain to myself, why I would in the first place.

I really loved Zachery, I really did. I really wanted to marry him, I truly did. But it scared me to death every time he brought up the topic of bringing up the wedding sooner.

It wasn’t until one day, he went out of town with a couple of friends for some man-time, when he suddenly to call. Naturally, I figured that it was a call about him hitting the road soon or to not wait up. He called to tell me what a great time he was having with the boys and of course, he’d be late but to also check the text he’ll be sending after we hang up. Sure enough, a picture text came and behold, it was a photo of some house. It was extremely beautiful and mesmerizing until I see his text that reads, “I found our dream house. Should we buy?”

I didn’t think he was serious so I brushed it off until he the next day when he asked how I liked the house again. I exclaimed how beautiful it was and asked how’d he find it, but in all seriousness, he asked again if we should buy. I was dead in my tracks. I couldn’t breathe a word to him. I just blankly stared not knowing what to say. I was like a deer in headlights.

He then started raving about how the house is perfect in his ever so excitable voice, and how the city is right in the middle of his parent’s place and my parent’s place so the drive on both sides wouldn’t be too long and unbearable. He then started saying it’s a good time to go ahead and buy it now if we like it so much and then we can move right in without having newlywed troubles of finding a place to go. And he was convincing me that he knew that as soon as he saw the house, he knew that I would love it because it looks exactly like the ones I used to describe on the top of my head on how the porch looks like, or what color it was, or how big the driveway would be.

Zachery really was a great man, and enthusiastic at that. I felt really guilty but it just wasn’t the right time. Rushing everything made me feel as if everything in my future was already predestined because he was taking full control of everything. I didn’t feel happy but more panicky and full of stress and anxiety. I wasn’t relieved that he was being assertive and actually doing something and planning a life for us. It may sound selfish, but this is our life we would be spending together until we die, why weren’t we doing this together? And why on earth is he suddenly rushing when he promised he could wait? What possibly changed?

I tried to persuade him the best that I could that buying the house now isn’t the smart thing to do. We wouldn’t know if that city is where we would be 2-3 years from now after we graduate. We wouldn’t know if we would be able to find good jobs that we like in that city. We just wouldn’t know of anything that could possibly happen that could deter our futures.

Zachery, of course, didn’t buy any of that. He went on full macho-man-mode and started going off, “If we’re going to get married anyway, why not sooner so we have more time together?” or “Are you having doubts about this marriage?” or my ultimate favorite, “Do you not love me anymore?”

In the end, without my consent, he bought the house. I believe that he still owns the house but whether he still resides there is unbeknownst to me since it has already been years since we broke up and ended all forms of contact. But when we did break up, not even two days later, he resigned from his workplace, gave up on his degree program, packed up and moved into that house.

As much I know how much (or maybe not so since I am not him) pain that I inflicted upon him, it hurt me too, how much I had hurt him and literally broke him. As much as I wanted to be honest and tell him how afraid I was on the rush, or how I wasn’t ready as he was about this kind of commitment, maybe we could have found an understanding, I will never know.

Maybe if we had met later in life, it would’ve been better and not end like this. Maybe if we had fallen in love later, much later — after we became good friends, I wouldn’t have lost him forever. Maybe if I was stronger and not so emotionally weak and tested, maybe if I was wiser and older and knew what was right and wrong and be able to say it — he’d still be my life and not an empty hole from my past.

I blame it on timing. I really do. I’ll be dead honest when I say that I’d be lying if there weren’t drops of insecurities and hairs of commitment-phobias, but the timing wasn’t right for the two of us to make those kinds of great decisions at such a young age. I wouldn’t have been able to even drink a toast to wine on my own wedding for crying out loud if I had fallen through and gotten married earlier than planned. But of course, who knows if I’d have ended up happy with three kids on my lap by now as I write on my blog.

Nonetheless, as much as I cared for and loved Zachery with all my heart, having that ounce of doubt and dodging red flags meant something, and I probably still would have made the same decision if I had to relive that moment again. I’ll be honest when I confess that I believe I won’t meet a man like him ever again. He’s indeed very special.

Just wish that timing would have thought so as well.

Apologue #6: We’re Just . . . Friends


I think this topic has a soft spot in all of us. I, myself, don’t have a very secure stance when it comes to “can men and women really just be friends.” It’s a touchy subject because I feel, and in all honesty, I haven’t had a male friend who just stayed as a friend from start to finish. I will say that I do have male friends where I haven’t had feelings for them but I can’t guarantee that they felt the same otherwise and also vice versa. I can’t help but feel neutral because I want to say that I truly believe there are people who can be “just friends” but I can’t back it up a 100% just from my accord. I used to be one of those people that would argue and say, “Of course we’re friends! Why can’t we be?” But the older I got, I’ve come to the realization that my thoughts on this have slowly changed. When I was younger (say, middle school and high school, perhaps) I believed strongly that we could be friends. But with college and now after, I don’t think we can indefinitely be just friends because you start looking for potential dates and marriage candidates from your friends since they make the best relationships. No one knows you and understands you better than your friends. And let’s be honest, after college, the dating field decreases at a very fast and insignificant level. College really is a marriage institution and if you’re like me that missed out, it only gets harder from here.  Which is probably why the stability of friendships shorten as well since you have no where else to turn to for a decent relationship.

I used to have no problem hanging with the guys and not have any kind of crush or drama happen back when I was younger. Now, I subconsciously start measuring out random qualities that I see from my friends when something catches my eye that I didn’t see before. I think that we can be friends up to a certain point in our lives, and then at some miraculous level where we see something different, we end up falling for each other because of those interesting tidbits that intrigue us to dive deeper into the person. But with friendship also comes risks of messing up the said “friendship,” the timing can always be off because technically, you didn’t start the friendship to have a relationship, and sometimes if you’re lucky it’ll work out and sometimes we’re unlucky and it’s never going to be the same, ever again.

I have (notice it’s not “had”) this great friend that I’ve known since the second grade. For the purpose of confidentiality, let’s call my friend, Harry. Harry and I have been inseparable since our elementary school years and I can literally say that this friend has stuck by me through thick and thin. Harry is not only my best bud but he’s like my brother, my father, and my lover. I grew up having a truck full of bullies in my younger days because I wasn’t very sociable but Harry fended for me and protected me all the way through high school like any older brother. He was like my father when I needed any kind of advice and I had no one to talk to; he always had the time to lend a ear no matter what time of day or night. And he was like my lover when I needed a date to Homecoming or a shoulder to cry on about other . . . ahem, boyfriends. He had the kindest heart, the warmest hugs, and the softest lips. Harry was such the sweetheart and I knew it. I used to tell it to him all the time. And it didn’t once cross our minds to be serious with what’s in front of us, which was that we were both single and both looking just not looking at each other. The main reason, as always, was the timing. It was always too off for the both of us. It was the usual, “he liked me but I didn’t like him and when I liked him, he didn’t like me” scenario point by point. It wasn’t too hard to figure out.

Up until after high school, our little “drama” was just puppy love and nothing too serious so we both never cared much about it. We both knew that we’d always had crushes on each other here and there but nothing to where we would sit down and talk about it. It wasn’t until maybe my freshman or sophomore year in college where Harry had a little help from our good friend, Jose Cuervo, that he called and flatly asked if we had any future together. This really caught me off guard because up until all this time, it was just good fun and games. Even when we dated for about three months back in our senior year of high school, we never took anything so seriously, so why now? I asked him what came over him so suddenly. He replied by stating that we indeed have something special and definitely something we won’t be able to find elsewhere. We have history and a story to tell our grandchildren, about how he fell in love to the shy girl with the ponytail and floral shorts and tie-dyed t-shirts. How he forgot and fell in love again to the thirteen year old girl that was subconscious about her looks and acne-bombed face but still looked radiant because of the smile on her face. How he forgot again and fell in love with the sixteen year old heartbroken girl that worries she’ll never fall in love with the perfect guy again and isn’t afraid to bawl it out to let it all pass. And now, that we’re both older and wiser, and getting ready to embark on a new journey towards adulthood, wouldn’t want to go alone but together because it’ll be the best damned thing that will ever happen to the both of us.

After hearing that, I was terrified. This is the part where most girls would probably say yes and have their happily ever after. But to me, this was the part where I lay confused and awake for nights trying to figure out how he was so sure and how I wasn’t. He was willing to risk our friendship of thirteen or so years to fight for his happiness and wasn’t afraid of what he might lose if I had said no, but I STILL wasn’t sure because I was more terrified of losing him because I’m already halfway to saying no than saying yes. I was at a bypass. I know that a part of me wanted so much for this to happen but the logical part of me was stopping me for being rash. What if it works out? Sure you’ll be happy and would probably have a great relationship and even possible marriage. But what if it stops at relationship before marriage and everything breaks? Not only is the relationship gone but the friendship is gone with it. Why wouldn’t I be terrified? This is the problem of being a girl. We’re too calculating and we foresee too much into the future to make sure we don’t get hurt in the long run.

But the main thing is, I said no. And I have regretted it ever since I said it. The minute I actually said no, it all felt so wrong. Never in my life did I know at that moment I should have said yes, but it was too late. I couldn’t take it back. I already hurt his feelings and things weren’t the same for a good year and half after that. We didn’t speak to each other and we didn’t do anything to contact one another. In the end, he called me back first and we slowly rekindled our friendship. We had too much history to let it all disappear over one night of disagreement. Sure, our friendship wasn’t the same from before but I can happily say it has gotten stronger because of what we went through together. We had overcome and embarked another new chapter in our lives and we still care and love each other to this day.

Since then, Harry has been in a strong and long relationship with a friend from high school. He isn’t quite happy because he’s been wanting to marry since we graduated from high school yet he’s still a bachelor. He currently shares a home with his girlfriend and is waiting for the right time to propose but I personally don’t see it happening because she isn’t interested in marriage. When I hear and see these painful times that Harry has to go through, I sometimes wonder if I would have ended his misery or worse yet, maybe I would have been the very woman that is making him go through these hardships. I still care for and love him very deeply. Sometimes, from time to time, I’ll be honest but the feelings for him come back. But I don’t want to be the “other woman.” I would never do that to another woman. So, I genuinely wish they would get married soon just so I can finally be at peace with that part in my heart because Harry will always be my brother, my father, my boyfriend.