Apologue #51: LDR

Sorry for my lack of creativity lately. I’ve been struggling with writer’s block these past couple weeks and I don’t know how to shake it off. It’s funny how it happens. I have so much I still have to say but the words don’t come. It’s as if my fingers are disconnected from my brain waves and can’t pick up any signals. It’s the funniest thing and I’m trying hard to get back on track (so, I’m apologizing now in case this apologue is written really horribly). My humblest apologies.

Not only have I had been struck with writer’s block but I have also been bitten by the love bug. And it sure is a nasty bite I would love to share. For my daily readers, it’s someone you already know. I’ve started having a fancy towards my good friend, Ron. But it’s been rough between him and I this past month where this all started.

It actually happened very nonchalantly as old friends would be when it comes to reconnecting. One phone call from him and we were chatting nonstop like teeny boppers yammering about the N’Sync concert (I guess, it’s all about One Direction now, sorry for reminiscing back to the 90’s).

Countless after countless hours of phone conversations, texts, and skyping — my old ticker started pumping once again and I’m sprouting shocking pink hearts of lovey-doveyness at any mention of Ron. It’s hilarious and sad altogether. But it’s definitely also been rough. With working on my end and him being a grad student, our schedules are definitely top notch hard to match. Hence we actually text more than we actually can talk and save our weekends to rewind and binge-talk for hours. It’s not a bad start but having a six hour driving distance is definitely rough too since we really don’t have a chance to drive to each other.

Being the emotional girl that I am, I’m pretty dead set on how my feelings are for him but I have the feeling he’s still in the gray area of things. I know that he likes me, and I know he loves talking to me (and you know how men are on the phone, they do not like talking more than 10 seconds tops), and he definitely makes the time and effort to be there for me, even if it’s only verbal so I guess it’s enough emotional support for now.

But he’s really thinking hard if this LDR (Long Distance Relationship) is good for the both of us. I’ve done it and it’s rough, I won’t lie. He has never had any experience here so I can tell he’s scared even though he hasn’t told me. And I wish there was still some way I could reassure him but let’s be honest, no relationship can be steady and stable without a sturdy trust foundation — and this kind of trust is different in a couple from a friend, and I feel this is where he’s having a lot of trouble.

I honestly can say that I can trust him enough that he won’t cheat or do anything bad while he is apart from me, but I don’t trust the people and the environment he is in, and that does lead to small doubts that there may still always be a chance he could do something wrong. Same goes for me as well. That whole, “out of sight, out of mind” is not a lie.

It’s so difficult and hard to handle how we like each other but we both can’t take a step forward in making this work in fear we would hurt each other (even in the smallest of things). If only one person out of the two of us had the fear and the other was more aggressive to make this work, it would be better. But sadly, we both share similar personalities and characteristics, and we think way too much and end up at a standstill in limbo.

What is the best solution to this problem? Should we back off from each other until our situations become better? Should we still pursue one another no matter what because we both share feelings, no matter the outcome of good or bad? Or do we just talk for hours together FOREVER? Is LDR a lost form of love and shouldn’t be tampered with? These questions and more are cluttering every crevice of my mind and it’s literally driving me crazy (even though I seem perfectly normal and at ease on the outside).

POKER FACE! 🙂

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Apologue #49: Slooooooow Men

One of my pet peeves when it comes to dating is slow men. You know who you are and what I mean. Men that are indecisive and don’t know what they want. It drives me up the wall. Frankly, it should drive any woman up the wall and bat crazy at that. If you’re just slow and that’s how you date, that’s alright. But if you’re slow whilst still doing all the flirting and talking late into the night bit — I no longer know if you just want some booty or you’re just.that.thick.

Take for example, my college buddy, Theo. Yes, the one who “led” me on but didn’t know because of his lack of relationships. (Click here and read bulletin No.2). Sure he drove me crazy for almost two years of our friendship and yes, I did invest a heck of a lot of time and effort to make him see me for who I am, which of course crashed and burned because he was just.that.slow. It was horrendous. I don’t even like talking about.

Maybe there’s a breed of men that are just supposed to be hard to read or figure out. Maybe they reside in some kind of neutral zone, like Switzerland! between the sexes and that’s why they’re awesome because they are generally, straight heterosexual males but with androgynous features that gives them the ability to still enjoy sports and be macho but also sensitive and talk with you long hours into the night.

When I think about Theo, all I remember are our long phone conversations. This was in college too, so we definitely invested a lot of time that we shouldn’t have if we both knew where this was going, which was a dead end. Each day we awoke to texts from each other and wishing one another a good day. Which then led to texts here in there in between class periods. Then of course instant messaging (ahhh~ the days of AIM) whilst we “study” at home or the library. Then we’d both have a break and eat something and have a little of our own time to ourselves and then end the night with an average of five hours (you heard right, FIVE freaking hours) EACH night as we fall asleep to the sound of our voices and then BAM. It’s morning again and we do it all over again.

I’m not crazy and I kid you not, that’s what I did with him for 2 freaking years and pondering WHEN THE HELL HE’LL STRAP ON HIS BALLS AND ASK ME THE FREAK OUT. Of course, in the end I gave up. Me and my naive self could no longer hold on patiently and I was frustrated to the point where I thought my pride would break. I left without looking back and don’t give him the time any more. He, on the other hand, has no idea what caused the change in our friendship. He’s still single and has always been single. Good riddance.

Isn’t this ridiculously frustrating? What is it? Don’t you really know? It’s not that hard to figure out what you want, right? What are you hiding and calculating for you to take this long? The reason I’m frustrated thinking about this all over again is because I’m yet again in a situation where I am a sitting duck with another Theo. I don’t know why I put through with it again.

Example number two is my dear friend, Ron. You all remember, Ron, my sweetheart. Update on him now is that he’s broken up with said girlfriend a month ago and is single and ready to mingle. He’s single which definitely makes me feel better about not having to worry about shying him away but now we’re talking more than ever again and it’s confusing again. I know I stated before that with him, I should make some more changes and take more chances because I felt like I lost something great when he got himself a girlfriend. But now, months later, that feeling of infinite is gone and I’m back to square one where I was with him.

We still do two to three hour phone conversations and texts along the way. When mentioning the time I’ve been spending on Ron to one of my friends, they were extremely happy of the circumstances but the minute I mentioned if this doesn’t seem all too familiar and pop in Theo’s name, my friend sat there stunned with a worried expression and was silently cursing throughout our conversation. She knows how bad it was and doesn’t want me to endure that all over again. Which I surely hope I don’t make the same mistake of dragging this one on for years into the future. I no longer have the strength.

But really, men. Sometimes I just don’t understand what you’re doing. Even when I know it’s not a booty call and I know you’re not that kind of guy — why on earth are you tormenting not only us, but yourself with this? It’s not just us that’s putting our time and effort on the line. You too, are investing a lot of time for nothing if you don’t make a move. Don’t you realize that the longer you pull this off, the harder it will be for BOTH of us to find ANYONE to date. As OM stated when I asked for advice on this, why on earth would any guy want to date me if I spend three hours into the night talking with another dude no matter how close we are? This applies to you too because I can guarantee you that no future girlfriend will find you cute talking to another woman for three hours just to chitchat. Don’t kid yourself, we’re programmed to be jealous and we will never stop nagging you for it.

So, is it because there’s something blocking you in wanting all of this or are you that slow that you can’t make up your mind? My patience is drying up and I don’t know how much longer I can wait for you no matter how awesome you are and how much I love you for what you mean to me. Sayonara, dude.

Apologue #32: Alpha Dogs & Beta Wolves

One of the many topics that I will never come close to understanding is the mindset of alpha males and beta males. Of course, I’m not going to get into all of that today albeit it is always an interesting debate; but today, I would like to share an interesting perspective I got from James.

To briefly explain the relationship James and I share together, I really can’t say what we have. A friendship is there and that’s a fact. Is there something more? I believe there to be. But we both haven’t pursued anything therefore it’s one of those open-ended relationships. We do meet every weekend to enjoy the company of one another although we haven’t for the past month because I thought it unwise since I clearly believed that I would be the one that may end up losing all hope. Anyways, my lonely counterpart got the best of me as I could probably say the same with him and we met up for a quick brunch earlier today.

I filled him briefly of what has been going on in the past month of my life as did he and our conversation quickly changed to what has been bothering me lately, which happens to be my last apologue. I told him of my weird encounters with my friend, Ron, from this past weekend and how it has been bothering me. James of course, listened wholeheartedly without any interruption and didn’t judge me for my randomness either (he really is such a sweetheart).

But going back to the alphas and the betas, when he asked what kind of guy Ron was, I immediately went straight ahead and said Ron was an obvious beta wolf. Which actually took James by surprise because he genuinely did not understand where that was coming from and asked for an explanation between the differences of alpha dogs and beta wolves and also as to how I categorize men into them respectively.

I shouldn’t have been surprised that this was his first time hearing such descriptions considering when you think how many men will actually look at other men they encounter and start categorizing what kind of male dominance he possesses? None. I really don’t believe I have met any.

After I embarrassingly briefed him of my speculations as to why I categorize men in this fashion he didn’t say much but that he understands where I’m coming from. What surprised me most was how easily he had categorized other men after my influence. I categorized alphas and betas based off of skill, personality, physical looks, and generally how men confront women. James was more direct and said he believes character and self-esteem in men will generally be derive from whether they are a virgin or not.

Interesting, yes. I pondered on that for a moment and then quietly started to close my case because as much as I didn’t want to think about the sexual history of all my male counterparts, I believe his speculation is amazingly right on the dot. I’m sure this doesn’t concern all men but the generality of the format. But interestingly enough, it seems that the characters and personalities that I look for when categorizing these said men, all do come from the ego part of the man and that again, can root down to sexual security.

This is new information and a train of thought I haven’t dived deeply into which I probably would another time but yet again, I’m blown away to James’ cunning and witty train of thought. Can I even call that wit? I don’t know, but the more I meet this man, the more I know I come into dangers for falling for him deeper each time.

Our brunch was cut short after he asked what I thought of him; whether I think of him as an alpha dog or a beta wolf. I really couldn’t say since I see both parts in him. Maybe he’s a real gamma man, I don’t know. I just wish I didn’t hear what he said next about me never leaving again to see Ron because Ron obviously doesn’t know what a catch he’s missing as he smiles with that sly mouth of his. Tempting dog but a clever wolf, that one.

He kept telling me don’t until we said our goodbyes. And you know, I think I just might say yes.

Apologue #31: Creepy Coincidences

Have you ever had signs or coincidences that come across your path when it comes to relationships? Or have you gone searching for them in hopes that it leads you to a more positive light in encouraging your decisions? I’m one of those people that don’t bother too much when it comes to coincidences just because I believe it to be more of situations that were bound to happen. I will admit that I look for signs in guidance to my decision-making skills when it comes to the beginning stages of relationships. But today, the encounters that I had this past weekend are boggling my mind in a disturbing way that I feel that I should write them down in hopes of better understanding what just happened. Here’s my story . . .

I had a spur of the moment, spontaneous four day weekend granted to me by surprise from my boss which I took at first chance and went straight to a mini road trip back to my old college town of my undergrad days. It was the perfect trip to make because I had a friend that was going to get married soon that I really wanted to see and congratulate just because I couldn’t make it to their wedding in January. After spending a good amount of the weekend with the couple, I went ahead and had a brunch date with my good friend, Ron.

I’ve talked about Ron before. He’s the sweet friend of mine that doesn’t believe he is fit to be anyone’s “Prince Charming.” To fully understand what’s been bothering me, I’ll do a quick recap of our friendship relationship. Ron and I have only known each other for a good year and a half but we became close pretty instantaneously. We were in the same department back in University plus we have similar personalities. Our friendship is a great one full of spunk, secrets, and even intimacy.

There were many times when people believed we were dating. We are very comfortable with each other and have even jokingly played the “girlfriend and boyfriend” game just because it’s fun and we’re two lonely single people. Many times we would text and call each other “sweetie” or “babe” as a nickname when starting conversations. We didn’t care, it was all for show.

But I will admit that there have been few circumstances where I had my doubts about this kind of friendship we had. It definitely wasn’t friends with benefits but there was also something indifferent between us. Sometimes, these nicknames seemed real and I was confused of how well Ron would treat me. Our phone conversations were usually at least two hours each time. We frequently had dinner and coffee dates. Our shortest date on record was five hours and our longest has been twelve. And we have had moments where we both have felt and said that we didn’t want to leave each other and just talk (and talk is usually what we did.) Surprisingly, he had a lot to say for a man.

Our talks and heart-to-heart conversations were always bound to just the two of us and I trust him with all my heart. We have great emotional intimacy but never had anything physical. Then I moved away because of a new job and he stayed back. Since my move, I have only visited him twice in this first year I’ve been away. Both times great and intimate but of course only lasts a month or so before we crawl back to our daily lives and we don’t talk for months again.

So, back to my original topic of coincidences, I visited him for a brunch date this weekend and was shocked to find news that he started seeing someone. One week to be exact and I congratulated him for it. I was happy for him because he needed someone good in his life, and him dating has definitely cleared up a lot of what has happened between us until I asked what his new girlfriend was like.

It really shocked me to the core when I found that she has the same name as I do, along with the same age, same background and personality, and when he showed me a picture of her, a very similar facial structure. Like I said, I don’t believe in coincidences but this was really creeping me out. I mentioned how similar her and I were and he just laughed saying I was right and I was given nothing more.

Later, as he was talking about the process in the development of their relationship, I started to notice an emotion of despair in his voice. As much as we were similar, she does have characteristics that are of total opposite to myself and he’s been having trouble in those general areas. He shared how there are some cases where he just can’t understand her and that it’s only been just a week since their relationship started but already he’s been thinking too much and having doubts.

I tried my best to listen and give him the advice any friend would give him. I told him that she was now his priority and he must do his job in appreciating her efforts for him and that he should pay attention and also give her the benefit of the doubt. As much as I can see how much he cares for her, I had inklings of feelings that this wasn’t going to last.

He had also mentioned that he had someone else that he had liked before the start of this current relationship and that was the reason it took him so long to go along with this relationship because he didn’t succeed with the other. It made me wonder if that other person was me.

Hearing about how stressed he is hurts me as a friend. Seeing him as a man in a sudden relationship has definitely shocked me as a woman. Was I jealous of this relationship? Did I have an attraction for Ron but never noticed? Or does he look good now because he’s no longer available? These are questions that are roaming inside my head and I can’t honestly answer.

As he was looking at me for advice and pleading for the right answers in what to do, I did give him advice as I normally would have. He also noted that he may frequently call me up or text me more than usual when in dire need. I made a promise to myself that I probably wouldn’t respond unless it was an emergency. I don’t want to be the cause of what could happen if given the wrong advice. It’s better to avoid these situations altogether just in case one part of me becomes tempted to ruin his relationship so I can obtain him for myself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself for being the “other woman.”

Am I going overboard with this? Was it all just a trick of how life is full of surprises? Some people may say these cases are synchronizations. That these kinds of things just happen to revolve around our lives consistently but we just now notice them because we want them to give us a reason in doing something about it. I’m really unsure of everything.

Should I do something about it if I feel that I need to? Should I make some changes and take some chances?

Apologue #19: Perfect Prince Charming

Finding Prince Charming has forever been a fairy tale that we girls have been brought up with our whole lives since we played dress-up princesses with sparkly gel shoes and plastic pink crowns. It’s like we’ve been embedded with this idea that one day our prince will come and find us and we’ll all live happily ever after. I didn’t grow up princessy even though I am a Daddy’s Girl but after watching ten million Disney re-runs, it kind of sticks to the inside of your skull not willing to come out. I still randomly burst out to Disney tunes and I’m not afraid to share it (it’s like no matter how long I don’t watch the movies, I still NEVER forget the lyrics).

But going back to Prince Charming, I feel that maybe this title comes off too strong for some folk. It’s hard to say, I know I’m not a real princess no matter how many times my father may tell it to me, but I can always feel like one or be treated like one if I see that’s how I want to be treated. But with men however, I feel that the title comes off too grandeur and so they shy away from it. I know that there are plenty of men who believe they are princely enough, but there are more that don’t believe so.

Take for example, my good friend, Ron. Ron and I never dated but we have shared many coffee and dinner get-togethers where I have surely gotten to know him well. He is by far the sweetest man I have ever been with without even dating him, so I know he’s the type that will be sweeter than sugar to his special lady.

After getting to know Ron and becoming good friends, we have had moments of great heart-to-heart conversations. We talked specifically many detailed conversations about the dating game. We enjoyed giving each other pointers and talking about what qualities we looked for, etc. One conversation though, caught my attention and has actually bugged me for a while which I wanted to share tonight.

Ron was talking about the new hottie that had just come into his office and I was interested in knowing what was so “hot” about this new girl. I wanted the goods — what makes her hot the instant you see her without even knowing her? Apparently, in just two measly days, he was able to find out her dating history, her family history, and not to mention all her likes and dislikes. I don’t know if this girl is easy or her game is good, but I listened on.

Just by word of the mouth, she sounded decent enough. Good educational background, pretty face (thanks to the courtesy of Facebook stalking, woohoo! <— can you note the sarcasm there? Exactly why I don’t have a Facebook), new in town so she’s open for any kind of invitation, it couldn’t be any better. So I told Ron to go for it and ask her out, she seemed like a sweet girl and he needs someone good in his life.

Then Ron pulls something incredible that I was actually speechless. He goes, “She’s a princess. Anyone can tell the minute you first lay eyes on her. She’s tall and gorgeous, everything is perfect about her. Why would she go out with an Average Joe like me? I’m no prince. So, I don’t go looking for princesses.

Okay, so it’s one thing to say that he’s not HER prince but to say you’re not a prince, EVER? feels too dramatic for me. It really is a turn-off when egotistical guys try to pull off the “princely charms” but it’s so heartbreaking when a perfectly great and decent guy denies himself that he’s not good enough to be anyone’s prince and so shuts down that part of him altogether. I told him that he could be anyone’s special prince and that he doesn’t have to be a prince for all the women out there. I also told him that if he’s not “looking for princesses” what kind of women is he looking for because obviously, he’s cutting himself real short for denying something he really deserves. Besides, what woman would be okay knowing that your significant other didn’t see you as a princess either but just a Plain Jane. That kind of hurts because we all want nothing more but to mean something more than a Plain Jane to our special person.

Does this not make sense? I feel like I’m rambling but I know what I mean and what I said to Ron was right. He’s cut out to be more than a Joe and definitely a Charming at that. At the moment it may just be me that can see it because I know him so well, but I know that once he opens himself up to other women, they will be able to see the princely charms in him. This is probably why some men have such shot-down confidence levels that go deeper beyond sea level. But that’s another tall tale to tell . . .