“I got this tattoo a couple days before my wedding. My boyfriend, at the time, wrote me a hand-written note on our anniversary that said, ‘You have my heart.’ The first time he ever saw this tattoo was when I met him at the alter. The look on his face will never leave my mind.”
Kids, your old Aunt Robin knew exactly what she was talking about. Timing sure is a bitch. It’s as if the heavens didn’t have enough to gloat and laugh about from our own daily miseries and decided to add the concept of “perfect timing” as the tip of the iceberg in trying to ruin our decent lives — correction, relationships.
This is the story about how I was once engaged to a wonderful man named Zachery and how horrible our timing was. Zachery proposed during the spring semester of my freshman year in college. Yup, fresh out of high school but fresh into college — what a genius we both were.
It was a time when we were too young and naive to know anything better. Our youthful hearts got in the way of everything and we truly believed that love will solve all our problems. But in all seriousness, we actually planned it out and thought it was a good time. We weren’t that stupid. It just seems those times were ignorant now that I’m wiser and older, or whatever I am now.
I was a freshman starting my pre-med program and he was seven years older and working on his Ph.D towards electrical engineering. We were two nerds in a pod. And frankly, it didn’t bother us much. We’ve already been together for almost two years so school was already much part of our lives. We were just happy to be in the same school together.
We as a couple didn’t do much when it came to the romantic essence of things. We studied, ate, and fell asleep on desks most of the time. He and I were both new to the town and starting fresh, so we didn’t have much friends to hang out either. But it was okay, we pretty much felt married anyways, nagging and all.
After accepting the proposal and planning the wedding we tried to be logical and realistic to the best that we could. We knew each other too well and we both knew that as much as we wanted to be married, the now aspect of things wasn’t a good time. We decided that there really is no use rushing and being the considerate gentleman he was, he knew I needed lots of time to pull off my dream wedding. So, we decided to get married after I graduate from college — he was willing to wait 3+ years for me.
There was never a trace of guilt for having to wait on each other for that long. I wanted to finish school first and at least try and find a decent job and he agreed. He wanted to get most of his program done too before having to worry about marriage life. We managed to be negotiable and understanding as best as we could.
It sounds all good up to here. He was perfect and I was dandy. But time — never holds still for anybody. It wasn’t long, probably half a year, when he started asking funny questions, such as, if I could graduate earlier, what kind of career path I’m looking into, where would I likely want to live, etc. Then he started asking if there was any chance of moving the wedding to an earlier date. I don’t know why, but I started seeing red flags everywhere and I couldn’t explain to myself, why I would in the first place.
I really loved Zachery, I really did. I really wanted to marry him, I truly did. But it scared me to death every time he brought up the topic of bringing up the wedding sooner.
It wasn’t until one day, he went out of town with a couple of friends for some man-time, when he suddenly to call. Naturally, I figured that it was a call about him hitting the road soon or to not wait up. He called to tell me what a great time he was having with the boys and of course, he’d be late but to also check the text he’ll be sending after we hang up. Sure enough, a picture text came and behold, it was a photo of some house. It was extremely beautiful and mesmerizing until I see his text that reads, “I found our dream house. Should we buy?”
I didn’t think he was serious so I brushed it off until he the next day when he asked how I liked the house again. I exclaimed how beautiful it was and asked how’d he find it, but in all seriousness, he asked again if we should buy. I was dead in my tracks. I couldn’t breathe a word to him. I just blankly stared not knowing what to say. I was like a deer in headlights.
He then started raving about how the house is perfect in his ever so excitable voice, and how the city is right in the middle of his parent’s place and my parent’s place so the drive on both sides wouldn’t be too long and unbearable. He then started saying it’s a good time to go ahead and buy it now if we like it so much and then we can move right in without having newlywed troubles of finding a place to go. And he was convincing me that he knew that as soon as he saw the house, he knew that I would love it because it looks exactly like the ones I used to describe on the top of my head on how the porch looks like, or what color it was, or how big the driveway would be.
Zachery really was a great man, and enthusiastic at that. I felt really guilty but it just wasn’t the right time. Rushing everything made me feel as if everything in my future was already predestined because he was taking full control of everything. I didn’t feel happy but more panicky and full of stress and anxiety. I wasn’t relieved that he was being assertive and actually doing something and planning a life for us. It may sound selfish, but this is our life we would be spending together until we die, why weren’t we doing this together? And why on earth is he suddenly rushing when he promised he could wait? What possibly changed?
I tried to persuade him the best that I could that buying the house now isn’t the smart thing to do. We wouldn’t know if that city is where we would be 2-3 years from now after we graduate. We wouldn’t know if we would be able to find good jobs that we like in that city. We just wouldn’t know of anything that could possibly happen that could deter our futures.
Zachery, of course, didn’t buy any of that. He went on full macho-man-mode and started going off, “If we’re going to get married anyway, why not sooner so we have more time together?” or “Are you having doubts about this marriage?” or my ultimate favorite, “Do you not love me anymore?”
In the end, without my consent, he bought the house. I believe that he still owns the house but whether he still resides there is unbeknownst to me since it has already been years since we broke up and ended all forms of contact. But when we did break up, not even two days later, he resigned from his workplace, gave up on his degree program, packed up and moved into that house.
As much I know how much (or maybe not so since I am not him) pain that I inflicted upon him, it hurt me too, how much I had hurt him and literally broke him. As much as I wanted to be honest and tell him how afraid I was on the rush, or how I wasn’t ready as he was about this kind of commitment, maybe we could have found an understanding, I will never know.
Maybe if we had met later in life, it would’ve been better and not end like this. Maybe if we had fallen in love later, much later — after we became good friends, I wouldn’t have lost him forever. Maybe if I was stronger and not so emotionally weak and tested, maybe if I was wiser and older and knew what was right and wrong and be able to say it — he’d still be my life and not an empty hole from my past.
I blame it on timing. I really do. I’ll be dead honest when I say that I’d be lying if there weren’t drops of insecurities and hairs of commitment-phobias, but the timing wasn’t right for the two of us to make those kinds of great decisions at such a young age. I wouldn’t have been able to even drink a toast to wine on my own wedding for crying out loud if I had fallen through and gotten married earlier than planned. But of course, who knows if I’d have ended up happy with three kids on my lap by now as I write on my blog.
Nonetheless, as much as I cared for and loved Zachery with all my heart, having that ounce of doubt and dodging red flags meant something, and I probably still would have made the same decision if I had to relive that moment again. I’ll be honest when I confess that I believe I won’t meet a man like him ever again. He’s indeed very special.
Just wish that timing would have thought so as well.
Ryan and Frankie van Horn kick off their wedding reception with a perfectly classy — perfectly sassy — swing dance performance to Benny Goodman’s “Sing Sing Sing.” Their dance is so uniquely prepared that you can’t help smiling throughout the entire performance. Makes me miss my swing dancing frenzy days (note to self: pick up swing dancing again). What a fun way to jazz up the first dance. Enjoy! 🙂
I’m sure everyone has seen the movie, “Titanic” at least a good dozen times in their lifetime. If the history behind the tragedy didn’t get your fancy, we all knew that our heartthrob sensation of Leo DiCaprio was good eye candy during the film. Before the sinking of the ship, there are two scenes that have always captured my heart and has made me cry so many tears. The first scene is where the string quartet stays behind to perform their hymn till their last breath, and the second scene is of the elderly couple that hold tight to each other on their deathbed as the ocean waters slowly start filling up their room.
It so happens though, that these two were supposedly based on a real couple, who said they wouldn’t board a lifeboat as long as there were younger people still aboard the ship.
Meet Isidor and Ida Straus. Records state that the couple had been married for 41 years at the time of the disaster. They raised six children together, and were almost inseparable. On the rare occasion that they were apart, they wrote to each other every day.
During the sinking, Titanic’s officers and other first class members pleaded with the 63 year old Ida to board a lifeboat and escape the disaster, but she repeatedly refused to leave her husband behind. Although Isidor was offered a seat in a lifeboat to accompany Ida, he strongly refused whilst there were still women and children on board.
Ida then, placed her newly hired maid (Ellen Bird) in a lifeboat, taking her fur coat off and and handing it to the maid to shield her from the cold noting that she no longer needed it. Ida is reported to have said, “I will not be separated from my husband. As we have lived, so will we die, together.” When last seen by witnesses, the couple were standing on deck, holding each other in a tight embrace accepting their fates together.
Isidor’s body was recovered but the funeral service was delayed for a few days in hopes that Ida’s body may too, be recovered, allowing the two who had lived and died together to also share a funeral — but sadly, Ida’s body was never found. Several days later, their funeral drew some 20,000 mourners at Carnegie Hall. A monument to them still stands at Woodlawn Cemetery in the Bronx, with the inscription from Song of Solomon 8:7 that quotes: “Many waters cannot quench love — neither can the floods drown it.”
I’m all about keeping the traditions alive, but c’mon, think about it. It’s the greatest celebration and the happiest event of your life!! I don’t think I would mind a little bit of a twist to get the party going for my guests and make something truly memorable. Rock on and enjoy Rockelbel’s Canon based off of Pachelbel’s Canon in D by ThePianoGuys! 😀
One of my dear obsessions is definitely “Friends.” I can quote anything from it in any given situation in my own personal life without blinking an eye. It’s definitely my go-to sitcom whenever I’m eating alone, or need a pick-me-up, or even background noise. I’m 100% a Chandler when it comes to personality but with marriage, Ross totally hits the target.
I feel that even though I won’t marry as many times Ross did, coming that close to finding the “One” and then losing it because it wasn’t something you thought it was will probably happen to me often. When I was younger and more optimistic about love and finding my soul-mate, I believed in everything that I saw and felt. Now that I’m older and have met enough men to know better, I can’t trust what’s there to be real anymore and won’t believe the love that I see and feel to be true.
Talk about being heartbroken and deceived too many times to make me feel less of a woman, sheesh. The talk of marriage is everywhere now that most of my friends are hitched. Especially close friends and even my family all know about it.
This past weekend, a close girlfriend of mine tied the knot and my parents were ecstatic to hear everything about it and how it went when she called today. Of course she sent a couple texts from her bridal photo shoot and some from the actual wedding, and my parents were very pleased to see them and we are all very happy for her.
But of course, as we all know, as soon as we were done looking at pictures the hurricane of attacks on when I will marry, or at least start dating, blah blah, all your friends are now married, blah blah blah, by the time they have kids and they’re off to kindergarten you may still be single, etc etc. It gets real tiring when you hear this kind of ranting since you were twenty one years old.
But no matter how much I hear about how happy and blissful the couples are even with their faults and mistakes, plus how good the marriage is turning out to be, it really fascinates me every single day how these people find each other. I’m realistic but I do try to be optimistic in life, but I’m one of those people that believe it takes a miracle for two people to fall in love at the exact time to have something special, nonetheless even more if you’re planning on a marriage together.
I’ve been engaged once before to know that love is not perfect and it isn’t meant to be. I’m not foolish and naive that marriage will always be blissful and nothing but rainbows and butterflies. I know it takes a great amount of effort, patience, and a whole lot of love to live with someone and start a family together. So how is it, that others can do it so well but not myself?
I can’t say that having trust issues is the reason why I can’t believe in men because all women have trust issues. This excuse is like the foundation of everything when it comes to putting your faith on men. I can’t say that I have too much experience in dating thus marriage doesn’t work because I’m actually lacking experience and still do believe in the sanctity of marriage. I can’t say that I’ve had the worst luck in finding good men and having good relationships because I did find decent men, it just didn’t work out the right way at the right time.
These days, I’m having a hard time realizing whether I’m normal because I can see all the good and bad of marriages or if I’m blinded that I don’t see enough good in the hearts of men to began anything. It’s like I’m Ross. I believe in love and I do go after what the heart wants — but the only difference between Ross and I, are that he keeps believing that it’ll end out happily ever after and I test if it’s really happily ever after.
I need assurance that I can trust the man and it’ll be alright, but if the man doesn’t give it to me, I don’t ever see the happily ever after. Most of us girls dream of our perfect fantasy wedding and what kind of “prince” we’ll end up marrying and how we’d live our dreamy fairy tale. I personally, can only go so far into the fantasy wedding and I can’t go beyond imagining what the marriage will be like because I’m too afraid to go beyond my fantasy and be shattered by the truth, as if I don’t deserve a fairy tale of my own.
Is it just me? It boggles me because there are more people finding each other and happily getting married and there’s less of people like me that wants to question everything before it’s too late. Am I too cautious or am I just bat-crazy? Leave comments and talk to me about your opinions. I can’t be the only one!
“Why the wedding ring is worn on the fourth finger: The Chinese give a beautiful explanation to this.
The thumb represents your parents. The index finger represents your siblings. The middle finger represents yourself. The ring finger represents your life partner. The little finger/pinky represents your children.
Hold your hands together like the picture. Join your middle fingers back-to-back, and the remaining fingers tip-to-tip.
Now, try to separate your thumbs. They will separate because your parents are not destined to live with you forever. Rejoin your thumbs and separate your index fingers. They will separate because your siblings will have their own families and lead their own lives. Rejoin your index fingers and separate your little fingers/pinkies. They will separate because your children will grow up, get married, and settle down.
Rejoin your little fingers/pinkies and try to separate your ring fingers. They will not be able to separate because your life partner is meant to be with you throughout your entire life, through thick and thin.”
This is a story about my ex-boyfriend, Liam. Liam was my boyfriend that I dated on and off for about a year and a half, and a man that I actually asked out, guts and all (check out Apologue #15). Liam was such a gentleman that I couldn’t miss the opportunity of such a fine catch and so did my all in pursuing him. Never in a million years would I have thought that he would be the protagonist of tonight’s tale.
It was Christmas of last year. I had been impatiently waiting on callbacks from my job interviews and had been rampaging around town as a madwoman. I had a feeling that I would be leaving the town I had been residing in and was in high hopes of hearing good news of starting new in an unknown place where no one would know me (I kind of find that mysteriously romantic). With that feeling of leaving town in mind, I had felt bad to Liam, but I wanted to spend my last Christmas with my closest friends.
To explain better, Liam and I had heard wedding bells in the distance and I had figured that he would understand the circumstances considering we would have many more Christmases to come to share together. To me, I felt that this may be the first and last Christmas I would be able to spend with my friends since I’d be moving. Liam, of course, was really upset. We didn’t have anything planned so I thought it would be alright. But Liam was upset nonetheless since Christmastime is all about lovers cuddling by the fire, drinking hot cocoa, and watching holiday classics (he was a gentleman and a romantic!)
I said I was really sorry and that I would make up for it and in the end he said it was alright that I go spend time with my friends for Christmas Eve but Christmas Day, was all his. It was the perfect arrangement. Or so I had thought.
Christmas Eve to me wasn’t even extravagant either with my friends. A friend of mine came over first and we talked and watched, “The Holiday” together while snacking up on candy canes and hot chocolate. We were killing time before we could meet up with his girlfriend that was getting off of work at 11 pm and then going over to the workplace of another friend to exchange gifts and hang out because he was getting off at 11:30 pm. Everywhere else was closed on Christmas Eve, so we just sat in the cold exchanging gifts and just talking until the cold got the best of us. I believe we all respectively got home around 1-ish to call it a night. Absolutely no drinking, no parties, just good quality time with close friends.
Around the same time I was with my friends, my lonesome boyfriend decided to take a stroll of his own to the local supermarket before it would close to stock up on some late night snacks and wine. It was here that he ran into another group of my friends that he’s also good friends with (mutual friends respectively). It was here where he decided to invite them all over to his place to drink the night away. I heard he invited three of our girl friends and two of our guy friends.
They drank and talked till about two in the morning and then all decided to leave for home. It was then, where one of my girl friend’s got really drunk and insisted she didn’t want to go anywhere until she sobered up. Other people from that night have said they could drive her home but she repeatedly insisted she didn’t want to leave her car behind and that she would rather sleep in her car than have someone drop her off. My boyfriend tried to sober her up with water and coffee but she had drunk too much and nothing was working. He said he felt responsible and so insisted he would personally drop her off and thus, left his place with everyone whilst they were all leaving too.
This is where it gets fun. My boyfriend does manage to take her all the way home but my friend refuses to get out of the car. For whatever reason she stated, he listened and then brought her straight back to his place. I still don’t know what their conversation was about but I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore. Anyways, he tried once again to sober her up and then without further ado, decided to just keep her company until she sobers up on her own. Since she wasn’t fit for any conversation, he then laid her down on his bed for her to rest and then was about to head into his living room where he would crash until suddenly she said that she wanted to sleep with him.
Very direct, I know. Without even a second to think of the outcome, they did and she woke up the next morning and told me on Christmas day what had happened and ruined my evening and my holiday. She stated how it was so unlike herself and how guilty she had felt and I genuinely appreciated her honesty. She also told me about how she had secretly had a crush on him for over a year and being friends with him has been very hard on her. And now this. She didn’t know what to do and was asking me for help.
This is where it becomes strange. I’m heartbroken and shocked. But I wasn’t mad at her or upset at her in the least. I could feel her guilt and the pain she had gone through of secretly liking him all this time while I was dating him. I felt how hard it must have been every time she had seen us together and how I talked about him in front of her. I saw signs before but I never acted on them because he was dating me already. I guess I just pushed it away knowing nothing would happen between the two.
Even now when it did happen, I still wasn’t upset at her for what she had done. At least she had the decency to tell me straightaway the very next day. My boyfriend didn’t breathe a word when I met him. After hearing her side of the story and helping her the best way I could, I waited for him to call me for our Christmas dinner plans that I had promised. When he did, he didn’t sound any different, maybe he did but it seemed he was just full of Christmas spirit, nothing dramatically different.
He talked of how he got movies for us to watch all night long, along with a dinner he made himself just for me, and bottles of my favorite moscato to share. I was so cold to him. I was so upset and angry that anger wouldn’t even come out. All I said was that I didn’t want to see him tonight and that I wanted to be alone and he just knew that I had heard everything already. He said he would come right over but I said I wouldn’t dare open the door for him until he was ready to admit everything. I could feel how tense he was on the other side.
We didn’t see each other until three days after the incident. In three days, everything was resolved. To him, me refusing to see him on Christmas was like the severing of the relationship. I guess I would have to agree although we didn’t talk anything through. When I finally met him and we talked, all he said was that he was sorry and how foolish he was. He stated that the alcohol got the best of him which I don’t agree because he’s a strong drinker. Not to mention he was okay enough to drive in the first place and try to help out my friend. To sleep with her was all on him because he made the choice. It’s not like my friend jumped on him, he did out of his own free will. But then, he started saying about how he was going to take responsibility for his actions and be with my friend because there may be chances she could get pregnant since there was no protection involved. He did all the talking and I just sat there.
He never said anything about starting a new relationship with her when he was talking to my friend on what they should do. But he told her he would be by her side and take responsibility of her if anything did happen. She took it knowing whatever they would have together may never last forever. To her, even temporary was enough.
It deeply upsets me when I see these two individually. She — could do much better. Temporary should never be enough, no matter how much you love someone. Knowing a relationship would never last is not going to be blissful. And starting one based off of sex and an affair, will never get you far. He will hurt her someday just like he hurt me.
Him — I want to commend him for his responsibilities from his actions but at the same time, I don’t know how he could be that forward to me in admitting his wrongs and leaving so easily. I will never know if he was unhappy in our relationship or if he had no sexual desires with me. We never got as far as he did with my friend. We had plans of marriage, yes, but did he really love me and cherish me? I will never know.
I still have thoughts wondering if the reason we had never slept together was his act of cherishing me as a woman and waiting until the right time or there was no sexual desire in me as a woman and thus he never wanted to sleep with me. When we were together, the idea of sex never came up because both of us were never interested in it in the first place. To briefly explain Liam’s character, he’s a nerd that was working on his doctorates with hobbies consisting of painting, photography and cooking. I’m a nerdy gal that does counseling as a living with hobbies of listening and playing music, movie fanaticism and writing. Get the picture?
We’re two nerds in a pod. It took months for us to even get to hold hands! But he suddenly cheats on me by sleeping with one of my best friends? Incredible. I don’t understand how this happened. I feel it’s too out of his personality. Unless I didn’t know him well enough all this time. Imagine what I could have married into . . .
Almost a year has gone by and I’m happy to say that I have not yet run into him or talked to him. But it does still upset me when I think back on what he did to me (and at Christmas of all days!). I love Christmas so much (and that goes beyond the average person, I’m part elf) and he ruined that part of me. It’s only been a year so maybe next year I’ll liven up again, but this year was kept very minimal and not so cheery. Not to forget that this also means they have been dating for almost a year too.
Nothing happened where my friend got pregnant or he cheated on her. They managed to sum up a decent relationship and I hear from time to time, that she is very happy. Good for her, really. But him, seriously? How does he cheat and still manage to get himself a new girlfriend? I will never understand. I’m still alone and miserable just thinking how this all unraveled.
As much as I’m thankful that this happened before we got married, my trust issues and insecurities have drastically heightened just because this came from someone that wasn’t just a boyfriend. My faith in men are squat even though I know better that not all of them are like Liam. It’s just that to find the ones that aren’t, are just that much harder for me now.
Cruel, I know. I was randomly flicking through channels this past weekend and stopped myself at TBS and saw they were programming “The Change-Up.” There was one part of the movie that kind of stuck on me and it was the part when the male lead (who actually isn’t himself) turns to his wife and abruptly says, “I’m not attracted to you anymore.” The wife, of course, is heartbroken and thinks what she just heard with eyes glistened reliving what he says for days without any idea what to do.
So I began to wonder. What do you do and what can you say when your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend says this to you? I suppose the wise thing to say if you’re married is to work out the problem and stick to it strong. I really believe that that is what marriage is all about. Not that just because you’re married, all problems can magically be solved. With relationships and dating, I’m actually not too sure what would be the right thing to do.
So, I talked to a friend. This friend is known to kind of . . . what’s the right word . . . “hop” around dates and relationships. Of the five years I have known this friend, they have never surpassed three months in a relationship. No matter how good, it just never reaches three months. My friend isn’t too promiscuous, at least they don’t cheat, just “enjoys” themselves.
So I asked if this kind of scenario has happened to them or has anyone said that to them. I was surprised to get a double yes. Of course we all know it would suck if someone said this to us without having to experience it. But to actually say it, I can’t ever imagine saying these words with my own lips to anyone.
My friend on the other hand says that they have used this line multiple times because 1) it’s a sure deal breaker and will lead to a break-up if they feel no matter what they say to their significant other they just won’t let go and 2) honesty, it’s actually the truth. When I listened to what lead to the attraction from falling apart, it was usually things that bugged them. Some were quite humanistic. I especially liked the one where on one date, they had a dinner buffet date and the significant other ate too much and so they had to unbuckle their jeans and rest up for an hour with their protruding belly popping out for the whole world to see before being able to leave the restaurant. I found it amusing whereas my friend found it distasteful. We all have our differences.
Personally, when I am single, I do tend to jump around person to person too (remember that I said when I’m single, please). I don’t linger eyes on other men when I’m taken. But when I’m single, my attraction level to men do hop around often. One week I may be thinking about one man and thinking possibilities and then if I don’t see you or hear from you, I hop to the next guy that I find attractive.
I surprise myself how sometimes every different man has a characteristic I can fall for but in the end I slide back down to reality and don’t deal with it. I like being single too much. It’s times like these when I do worry, if this tendency can happen when in a relationship. So far it never has, but it certainly can. And I wonder about it and think on it hoping it never does. So, I guess my real thought of the day is, where is the line that I might and how do I prevent myself from letting it happen?
Does attraction leave us when we’ve been in a relationship with someone for a long time? I don’t think so. Does it leave us when our significant other has annoying habits we have no control over? Maybe, maybe not. From my experiences, attraction comes with a price. Something I see in someone that I can’t find elsewhere.
At times like these I hope my future admirer will have many surprises that will enlighten me forever. But then again, I’m not perfect either. I also believe that attraction comes in many different forms. It’s not just all you see, but can be what you feel or sense, a character, etc. Attraction scares me the more I delve deeper into it just because it is so unknown, even within myself.
Like I said, it’s something I find attractive that I can’t find elsewhere. To me, personally, it’s not anything physical. It’s mostly character and skill. And then there are rare times where I just don’t know why I’m attracted to someone. That’s why I scare myself. I could just be too reasoning but things I find out about myself that I didn’t know of is always thought-provoking.
Nonetheless, I feel this has been another rambling post with no known conclusion. Maybe attraction isn’t meant to be figured out. But to suddenly lose it and finding it elsewhere will probably always linger within me. Or maybe I should just stop over-analyzing movie scenarios to my daily life. TBS, you will be the death of me.