Apologue #51: LDR

Sorry for my lack of creativity lately. I’ve been struggling with writer’s block these past couple weeks and I don’t know how to shake it off. It’s funny how it happens. I have so much I still have to say but the words don’t come. It’s as if my fingers are disconnected from my brain waves and can’t pick up any signals. It’s the funniest thing and I’m trying hard to get back on track (so, I’m apologizing now in case this apologue is written really horribly). My humblest apologies.

Not only have I had been struck with writer’s block but I have also been bitten by the love bug. And it sure is a nasty bite I would love to share. For my daily readers, it’s someone you already know. I’ve started having a fancy towards my good friend, Ron. But it’s been rough between him and I this past month where this all started.

It actually happened very nonchalantly as old friends would be when it comes to reconnecting. One phone call from him and we were chatting nonstop like teeny boppers yammering about the N’Sync concert (I guess, it’s all about One Direction now, sorry for reminiscing back to the 90’s).

Countless after countless hours of phone conversations, texts, and skyping — my old ticker started pumping once again and I’m sprouting shocking pink hearts of lovey-doveyness at any mention of Ron. It’s hilarious and sad altogether. But it’s definitely also been rough. With working on my end and him being a grad student, our schedules are definitely top notch hard to match. Hence we actually text more than we actually can talk and save our weekends to rewind and binge-talk for hours. It’s not a bad start but having a six hour driving distance is definitely rough too since we really don’t have a chance to drive to each other.

Being the emotional girl that I am, I’m pretty dead set on how my feelings are for him but I have the feeling he’s still in the gray area of things. I know that he likes me, and I know he loves talking to me (and you know how men are on the phone, they do not like talking more than 10 seconds tops), and he definitely makes the time and effort to be there for me, even if it’s only verbal so I guess it’s enough emotional support for now.

But he’s really thinking hard if this LDR (Long Distance Relationship) is good for the both of us. I’ve done it and it’s rough, I won’t lie. He has never had any experience here so I can tell he’s scared even though he hasn’t told me. And I wish there was still some way I could reassure him but let’s be honest, no relationship can be steady and stable without a sturdy trust foundation — and this kind of trust is different in a couple from a friend, and I feel this is where he’s having a lot of trouble.

I honestly can say that I can trust him enough that he won’t cheat or do anything bad while he is apart from me, but I don’t trust the people and the environment he is in, and that does lead to small doubts that there may still always be a chance he could do something wrong. Same goes for me as well. That whole, “out of sight, out of mind” is not a lie.

It’s so difficult and hard to handle how we like each other but we both can’t take a step forward in making this work in fear we would hurt each other (even in the smallest of things). If only one person out of the two of us had the fear and the other was more aggressive to make this work, it would be better. But sadly, we both share similar personalities and characteristics, and we think way too much and end up at a standstill in limbo.

What is the best solution to this problem? Should we back off from each other until our situations become better? Should we still pursue one another no matter what because we both share feelings, no matter the outcome of good or bad? Or do we just talk for hours together FOREVER? Is LDR a lost form of love and shouldn’t be tampered with? These questions and more are cluttering every crevice of my mind and it’s literally driving me crazy (even though I seem perfectly normal and at ease on the outside).

POKER FACE! 🙂

Apologue #49: Slooooooow Men

One of my pet peeves when it comes to dating is slow men. You know who you are and what I mean. Men that are indecisive and don’t know what they want. It drives me up the wall. Frankly, it should drive any woman up the wall and bat crazy at that. If you’re just slow and that’s how you date, that’s alright. But if you’re slow whilst still doing all the flirting and talking late into the night bit — I no longer know if you just want some booty or you’re just.that.thick.

Take for example, my college buddy, Theo. Yes, the one who “led” me on but didn’t know because of his lack of relationships. (Click here and read bulletin No.2). Sure he drove me crazy for almost two years of our friendship and yes, I did invest a heck of a lot of time and effort to make him see me for who I am, which of course crashed and burned because he was just.that.slow. It was horrendous. I don’t even like talking about.

Maybe there’s a breed of men that are just supposed to be hard to read or figure out. Maybe they reside in some kind of neutral zone, like Switzerland! between the sexes and that’s why they’re awesome because they are generally, straight heterosexual males but with androgynous features that gives them the ability to still enjoy sports and be macho but also sensitive and talk with you long hours into the night.

When I think about Theo, all I remember are our long phone conversations. This was in college too, so we definitely invested a lot of time that we shouldn’t have if we both knew where this was going, which was a dead end. Each day we awoke to texts from each other and wishing one another a good day. Which then led to texts here in there in between class periods. Then of course instant messaging (ahhh~ the days of AIM) whilst we “study” at home or the library. Then we’d both have a break and eat something and have a little of our own time to ourselves and then end the night with an average of five hours (you heard right, FIVE freaking hours) EACH night as we fall asleep to the sound of our voices and then BAM. It’s morning again and we do it all over again.

I’m not crazy and I kid you not, that’s what I did with him for 2 freaking years and pondering WHEN THE HELL HE’LL STRAP ON HIS BALLS AND ASK ME THE FREAK OUT. Of course, in the end I gave up. Me and my naive self could no longer hold on patiently and I was frustrated to the point where I thought my pride would break. I left without looking back and don’t give him the time any more. He, on the other hand, has no idea what caused the change in our friendship. He’s still single and has always been single. Good riddance.

Isn’t this ridiculously frustrating? What is it? Don’t you really know? It’s not that hard to figure out what you want, right? What are you hiding and calculating for you to take this long? The reason I’m frustrated thinking about this all over again is because I’m yet again in a situation where I am a sitting duck with another Theo. I don’t know why I put through with it again.

Example number two is my dear friend, Ron. You all remember, Ron, my sweetheart. Update on him now is that he’s broken up with said girlfriend a month ago and is single and ready to mingle. He’s single which definitely makes me feel better about not having to worry about shying him away but now we’re talking more than ever again and it’s confusing again. I know I stated before that with him, I should make some more changes and take more chances because I felt like I lost something great when he got himself a girlfriend. But now, months later, that feeling of infinite is gone and I’m back to square one where I was with him.

We still do two to three hour phone conversations and texts along the way. When mentioning the time I’ve been spending on Ron to one of my friends, they were extremely happy of the circumstances but the minute I mentioned if this doesn’t seem all too familiar and pop in Theo’s name, my friend sat there stunned with a worried expression and was silently cursing throughout our conversation. She knows how bad it was and doesn’t want me to endure that all over again. Which I surely hope I don’t make the same mistake of dragging this one on for years into the future. I no longer have the strength.

But really, men. Sometimes I just don’t understand what you’re doing. Even when I know it’s not a booty call and I know you’re not that kind of guy — why on earth are you tormenting not only us, but yourself with this? It’s not just us that’s putting our time and effort on the line. You too, are investing a lot of time for nothing if you don’t make a move. Don’t you realize that the longer you pull this off, the harder it will be for BOTH of us to find ANYONE to date. As OM stated when I asked for advice on this, why on earth would any guy want to date me if I spend three hours into the night talking with another dude no matter how close we are? This applies to you too because I can guarantee you that no future girlfriend will find you cute talking to another woman for three hours just to chitchat. Don’t kid yourself, we’re programmed to be jealous and we will never stop nagging you for it.

So, is it because there’s something blocking you in wanting all of this or are you that slow that you can’t make up your mind? My patience is drying up and I don’t know how much longer I can wait for you no matter how awesome you are and how much I love you for what you mean to me. Sayonara, dude.

I Just Can’t


I’m mad at myself, not you.

I’m mad for always being nice,
always apologizing for things I didn’t do,
for getting attached,
for making you my life,
depending on you,
wasting my time on you,
thinking about you,
forgiving you,
wishing for you,
dreaming of you.

But most of all, for not hating you, which I know I should . . .

But I just can’t.

Just Friends

I know that I don’t own you,
and perhaps I never will,
so my anger when you’re with her,
I have no right to feel.

I know that you don’t owe me,
and I shouldn’t ask for more;
I shouldn’t feel so let down,
all the times when you don’t call.

What I feel, I shouldn’t show you,
so when you’re around I won’t,
I know I’ve no right to feel it –
but it doesn’t mean I don’t.

Lang Leav

Apologue #35: Fantasies Gone Wrong

I feel that I shouldn’t daydream or fantasize about Mr. Right anymore. As a woman and a young girl at heart, this will definitely be a challenge but it’ll make my love life so much easier. Let me break down the dirty details.

Two weeks ago, as I was visiting friends back in my college town, I also got in touch with my good friend, Timothy. My lunch date with Tim was actually right after my breakfast brunch with Ron the same day. Go figure. Anyways, Tim and I are friends but we’re not greatly acquainted yet. We have hung around each other with large groups of other friends but never alone to just talk, this lunch was our first date.

To brief up Tim, he’s a real sweet and hard-working kind of guy. He is nerdy and quite brainy, but he also knows when to let it loose and have fun too. Tim is hard to talk about because I can say a lot of what he can do but I can’t talk much about what he’s like. I know him well but I don’t know of him.

But the Tim that I do know, I am very attracted to. I like his nerdy persona and his geeky ways. One day we’d be talking about linguistics and why the English language changes meanings in its course over generations and then next, he’ll randomly burst out to Disney songs with his guitar. He’s not spontaneous but he can be unpredictable. That’s what makes him an awesome nerd. So I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about him from time to time.

I’ve daydreamed about him before and how our life would be if we’d been together. I feel that it would be a lot of fun but at the same time we’d know when to buckle down and be serious too. We’d have Doctor Who marathons as we snuggle on the couch and then dress up as wizards and witches on Halloween and brew up Butterbeer for our friends at our dinner parties. For leisure we’d read and sing Disney songs together and put on our own show of the entire movie with no one to show. At least, that’s how I fantasized what kind of couple we’d be.

I haven’t thought of him much lately until recently one couple started to suggest that we should start seeing each other and that we’d make a cute couple. We’re both nerdy, have the same interests, and are looking for a good companion. So, why not? I called him up for a lunch date to see if there really can be something good between us the minute I arrived into town.

The lunch date turned out to be a lot of fun. It wasn’t at all awkward considering we haven’t talked in the past couple of months, and we really got caught up in the moment of just getting to know each other better. I was really surprised and happy to know that even though I thought he wasn’t interested in me per se, at least he remembered my areas of interest, what programs I was interested in when it comes to studying and thinking about going back to school, which honestly isn’t something hard to remember unless the person is at least a good friend. So it was a good thing to know that at least, he and I are at a good starting point.

But throughout lunch as I was asking about his future plans and if he’s been seeing anyone, I was glad he was honest with me and told me how he went on a blind date recently, but other than that he has no interest of starting anything with anyone new any time soon. Even when I hinted of my availability and seeing if he’d catch up to what I was referring, he was reserved and his body language with his arms crossed throughout our conversation was sign sure enough that he wasn’t interested.

Not to also forget that as I was sitting there and talking to him, I really got to feel what I was fantasizing about him, and it turns out that he wasn’t at all like what I thought he would be. Sure, I really wouldn’t know given that I haven’t personally dated him. But even while we were together, he wasn’t his nerdy self — he seemed more refined, reserved, and strangely critical. He wasn’t at all the warm and carefree nerd that I found attractive. Picture Chandler from “Friends” that suddenly changed into a Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory.” Get the picture? Both attractive respectively but not what I came looking for with Tim.

I’m not really a forward person but I am the type that doesn’t want to lose a good chance when given the opportunity. I felt that he and I could have something special and considering how I no longer reside in the same place that he is in now, I felt that this type of chance where I can see him wouldn’t come often so I did all that I felt be fit for the timing. Sure, it didn’t turn out well but at least I know that we may not have been compatible as I had dreamed we would be.

So, what am I trying to say? Stop all girls from fantasizing their Mr. Right? No. That’s an impossibility. But at least have the sense to get to know who you’re fantasizing first before you start making up things that don’t even exist would be a great start. I knew that guy enough to fantasize what we would be doing together what I found enjoyable and I know he finds enjoyable too, but it turns out I was still wrong because maybe that’s something he doesn’t do to be intimate with a girlfriend. I’ll never know. But maybe toning down the fantasies can help you in seeing and getting to know the guy you’re crushing on before you break yourself within your own bubble. It’s not a good feeling having to burst your own bubble from a fantasy gone wrong.

Apologue #31: Creepy Coincidences

Have you ever had signs or coincidences that come across your path when it comes to relationships? Or have you gone searching for them in hopes that it leads you to a more positive light in encouraging your decisions? I’m one of those people that don’t bother too much when it comes to coincidences just because I believe it to be more of situations that were bound to happen. I will admit that I look for signs in guidance to my decision-making skills when it comes to the beginning stages of relationships. But today, the encounters that I had this past weekend are boggling my mind in a disturbing way that I feel that I should write them down in hopes of better understanding what just happened. Here’s my story . . .

I had a spur of the moment, spontaneous four day weekend granted to me by surprise from my boss which I took at first chance and went straight to a mini road trip back to my old college town of my undergrad days. It was the perfect trip to make because I had a friend that was going to get married soon that I really wanted to see and congratulate just because I couldn’t make it to their wedding in January. After spending a good amount of the weekend with the couple, I went ahead and had a brunch date with my good friend, Ron.

I’ve talked about Ron before. He’s the sweet friend of mine that doesn’t believe he is fit to be anyone’s “Prince Charming.” To fully understand what’s been bothering me, I’ll do a quick recap of our friendship relationship. Ron and I have only known each other for a good year and a half but we became close pretty instantaneously. We were in the same department back in University plus we have similar personalities. Our friendship is a great one full of spunk, secrets, and even intimacy.

There were many times when people believed we were dating. We are very comfortable with each other and have even jokingly played the “girlfriend and boyfriend” game just because it’s fun and we’re two lonely single people. Many times we would text and call each other “sweetie” or “babe” as a nickname when starting conversations. We didn’t care, it was all for show.

But I will admit that there have been few circumstances where I had my doubts about this kind of friendship we had. It definitely wasn’t friends with benefits but there was also something indifferent between us. Sometimes, these nicknames seemed real and I was confused of how well Ron would treat me. Our phone conversations were usually at least two hours each time. We frequently had dinner and coffee dates. Our shortest date on record was five hours and our longest has been twelve. And we have had moments where we both have felt and said that we didn’t want to leave each other and just talk (and talk is usually what we did.) Surprisingly, he had a lot to say for a man.

Our talks and heart-to-heart conversations were always bound to just the two of us and I trust him with all my heart. We have great emotional intimacy but never had anything physical. Then I moved away because of a new job and he stayed back. Since my move, I have only visited him twice in this first year I’ve been away. Both times great and intimate but of course only lasts a month or so before we crawl back to our daily lives and we don’t talk for months again.

So, back to my original topic of coincidences, I visited him for a brunch date this weekend and was shocked to find news that he started seeing someone. One week to be exact and I congratulated him for it. I was happy for him because he needed someone good in his life, and him dating has definitely cleared up a lot of what has happened between us until I asked what his new girlfriend was like.

It really shocked me to the core when I found that she has the same name as I do, along with the same age, same background and personality, and when he showed me a picture of her, a very similar facial structure. Like I said, I don’t believe in coincidences but this was really creeping me out. I mentioned how similar her and I were and he just laughed saying I was right and I was given nothing more.

Later, as he was talking about the process in the development of their relationship, I started to notice an emotion of despair in his voice. As much as we were similar, she does have characteristics that are of total opposite to myself and he’s been having trouble in those general areas. He shared how there are some cases where he just can’t understand her and that it’s only been just a week since their relationship started but already he’s been thinking too much and having doubts.

I tried my best to listen and give him the advice any friend would give him. I told him that she was now his priority and he must do his job in appreciating her efforts for him and that he should pay attention and also give her the benefit of the doubt. As much as I can see how much he cares for her, I had inklings of feelings that this wasn’t going to last.

He had also mentioned that he had someone else that he had liked before the start of this current relationship and that was the reason it took him so long to go along with this relationship because he didn’t succeed with the other. It made me wonder if that other person was me.

Hearing about how stressed he is hurts me as a friend. Seeing him as a man in a sudden relationship has definitely shocked me as a woman. Was I jealous of this relationship? Did I have an attraction for Ron but never noticed? Or does he look good now because he’s no longer available? These are questions that are roaming inside my head and I can’t honestly answer.

As he was looking at me for advice and pleading for the right answers in what to do, I did give him advice as I normally would have. He also noted that he may frequently call me up or text me more than usual when in dire need. I made a promise to myself that I probably wouldn’t respond unless it was an emergency. I don’t want to be the cause of what could happen if given the wrong advice. It’s better to avoid these situations altogether just in case one part of me becomes tempted to ruin his relationship so I can obtain him for myself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself for being the “other woman.”

Am I going overboard with this? Was it all just a trick of how life is full of surprises? Some people may say these cases are synchronizations. That these kinds of things just happen to revolve around our lives consistently but we just now notice them because we want them to give us a reason in doing something about it. I’m really unsure of everything.

Should I do something about it if I feel that I need to? Should I make some changes and take some chances?

Apologue #16: The Seven New Basic Relationships of Today

I actually found this interesting post a couple days back (I wish I would have saved the post) that I found amusing yet satisfyingly true to today’s standards of dating compared to dating back in our grandparent’s time or even further than that. It’s sad because it’s true and it’s funny because I actually have experiences in each category. Which by the way, makes me very wary of what will happen in the dating world years after my time and my children or grandchildren will be dating and how many rules and relationship standards will change in their time. But alas, that’s for future me to worry about so let’s roll down to these “Seven Basic Relationships.”

1. The “I like him, he likes her” Relationship.
When the person you love is in love with someone else.

Ouch, yes. This one is a whammy that always hurts. It’s a classic relationship that is equally understandable in all time aspects so I’m glad it’s the first one. With my experience, I feel that I’ve had this happen quite a several times. It’s not something you want to admit or think often about but it happens often because no one can constantly be in love with just, you. This happened a few times with my friend Harry (check back to Apologue #6). As much as we had moments that only we share, Harry has also had one other woman on his other side (which is also who is seeing currently). When timing was against us, he always had his lady friend. When he was away from his lady friend and wanted to pursue me, I always had someone else. We did this back and forth for so many years that I’ve lost count. But we’ve officially haven’t pursued one another in the past four years, so I feel safe so say that we’re both in a place where we belong. This kind of relationship really conflicts with your emotions and it’s something that I personally feel is a waste of your time and shouldn’t linger no matter how much you like your significant other. If they are looking towards someone else and their feelings are true to that matter, than there really is no point trying to block them or make them see your way. Now, having that said, isn’t it odd to want to make someone like you back instead of their own accord? I personally don’t know how happy I would be with someone who made me like them and start a relationship . . . So my advice is it’s better to give up and go look for someone else, and maybe the second time around, they may be available.

2. The “Everyone knows, except them” Relationship.
When two people act like they are together, even though they do not admit it, they still show it.

Oh boo to this too. I may sound like such a downer but it’s true that I don’t like to waste my time (even when I do waste it a lot on other things so easily — at least on things and people that I believe deserve my time). When it comes to these kinds of arrangements, I know it’s a very delicate subject because you’re both trying to figure what what’s going on, but if “everyone” knows, then I’m sure your significant other does too (aka people talk). Whether they’re aren’t asking you out because they’re trying to figure out how to do it or they’re just testing the waters to see compatibility, it doesn’t matter no matter how well they show you what you mean to them until they’re actually telling you how they feel about you. You can act a couple all you want, but it’s not official unless somebody starts talking and straightening things out or it’ll just get messier and harder for you to get out of.

I had a friend that was exactly like this. Theodore and I met in college and have been inseparable friends all the way til graduation. We always hung out together, had dinners together, we’re always on the phone together; people thought we were joined at the hip. He always treated me right and I really thought we had something going on and so started prying around to see if his feelings towards me were true. Sadly, it was literally like he had no effing clue what he was doing. People everywhere thought we’ve already started dating but he had no idea that the actions and words he was saying were really things that people in relationships would do or say. Turns out that Theo has never had a girlfriend and so everything he does was all out of generosity and his mother’s upbringing of him being a good gentleman. It was really tough for me because I thought (and so did everyone else) we could have something real. We carried on like this for almost two years thinking that maybe he’ll snap out of his stupidity and ask me out on a real date. It’s a very sad thing indeed that even to this day, he still has no clue how much he “led me on” with his good-natured gentlemanly ways.

3. The “Love/Hate” Relationship.
When two people fight or argue to make others think they do not have feelings for each other.
I feel that this one is a bit tricky. I don’t know if you’re purposely arguing in front of others to prove you don’t have anything when clearly you do, or you can’t help but argue because of difference in views but still love each other. Either way, both relationships do exist. I’ll pick the latter because that’s the one I have experience with.

Richard was sophisticated and a man strong with his words. He definitely had an indifferent sense of humor and enjoyed reading Poe by candlelight and red wine because that’s what all Poe enthusiasts should do. He was proper but loved taboo. Many nights we would sit arguing over different debate topics and every night, he’d pretty much had me whipped. I didn’t like how his views were so strong and so one-sided but I loved the man that he was, not what of he argued. Our views on religion, politics, literature ALL clashes, but it was our differences that intrigued both of us and probably the cause of what drew us together in the first place. I learned a great deal from Richard. He is one of the few I would never forget.

4. The “Friend Zone” Relationship.
When the person you love only sees you as a close friend.
I feel that I hear this everywhere I go. It’s always talk of the “friend zone” or “I love my best friend.” I have seen and heard some pretty harsh ones out there and sadly, not only is it pitiful if you are the one with the feelings but very manipulate if you are the other that has no feelings. Usually the stories that I hear most when it comes to the “friend zone” are really horrible, I don’t think I’ve ever heard one that was decent and worth thinking over to help the poor guy or gal. The things of horror that I hear about how they bought them an iPod, or a ring, or a car and they STILL haven’t blinked an eye, makes absolutely no sense. It’s makes no sense because it’s BS. Simple as that. It just makes me so sad to hear friends having sacrificed so much for the person they care so deeply about, and the receiver does nothing but willingly takes everything given to them. I really don’t know how some people can just do that as if that is to be expected to have feelings for you. I apologize if I overstepped on some toes, but if you have a story about your friend zone that wasn’t manipulative and sacrificial, please share some with me because I have heard no good stories that have come through and I need more enlightenment.

5. The “Just Kidding” Relationship.
When two people keep breaking up and getting back together.
As ridiculous as this sounds, yes, this one has happened to me too. And just to save the torment of numerous long stories, we got back together twice (so in my defense, it wasn’t all that bad). But you know, these kinds of relationships are really a joke. You can yammer at me all you want, but let me tell you something from my end of the experience in these situations — it doesn’t mean you love them or he loves you and keeps coming back. What this does mean is that a person can change but not as fast or as something you want them to, so you end it and leave but keep coming back and give them too many chances to false hopes and promises the other end can’t keep. It’s relationships that have nothing good in store for you and it’s definitely something you shouldn’t keep coming back for. I know it’s hard because you want to keep your faith in them to change, but seriously, once is enough. If they can’t get their act straight after one chance, there really is no point giving them extra chances for something that can’t be fixed to them if they don’t think it’s broken. End of story.

6. The “Best Friend” Relationship.
When a boy and a girl are just friends, but at one point, they fall in love with each other.
This scenario pretty much sums up most of my relationships. I don’t date strangers that I just met at the mall (STRANGER DANGER!) or go on random drinking soirees with someone I met at a bar. Call me old-fashioned but I like taking steps in getting to know someone, bonding friendships, and then seeing something more and then perhaps dating relations. It’s hard for me to date someone I know nothing of (not that I haven’t dated anyone besides friends), it’s just that I get nervous to find out if they are ax murderers or dungeon masters. So when it comes to the “Best Friend” Relationship, I feel that this is the best bet on most people. We all have someone that is our closest buds that we just can’t live without. You know, that special someone that you dragged every clothing store to, told all your dirty secrets, and knows that you startle yourself to the sound of your own fart when you’re napping but assures you it was them and you still fall asleep (SO did not happen). But you know who I mean, and they are the best. If everything works out perfect and you can be with them forever, I’m so happy for you and I wish you nothing but the best. Because that’s what I’m still looking for. If you’re out there and still looking for this like me, don’t give up because there’s more of us out there than you think, so don’t lose faith.

7. Lastly, the “If You’re Lucky” Relationship.
When the person you fall in love with, falls in love with you
.
At times we do rely on luck to get us by and boy don’t we ever rely a lot on that when it comes to the beginning stages of relationships! When it comes to my puppy love, I believe that Peter was a very big blessing in my life. He really did bring me a lot of luck. We shared many wonderful experiences together and most of them were our first of everything. We shared our first date, our first hand-holding, our first kiss — and when I look back at these lucky moments, luck really played a big part because I feel that it’s so hard to meet someone and both fall in love with at the same time. I think love is such a miraculous and powerful thing. It doesn’t come easy and it certainly does not happen as often as it should. To us it all sounded easy because we were nothing but young teens at this time (Peter is the protagonist of Apologue #1) but as I grow older and wiser with the knowledge of heartfelt emotion, it was really miraculous how we had that one summer of fairy tale-like love that sprouted on us like dandelions even though it is true that it ended like the gusts of wind that blew the seed heads away.

After reading through each category and adding a little bit of myself as well, I feel that I too, fall under these new relationships that are encircling us in this time. As much as I thought I was traditional and classical, one can’t really fall out of the time they live in no matter how different their views. As much as I scoffed and thought these relationships were silly, I took part in all of them. I feel that there are more out there in the making or some that didn’t make the list. Already I can think of some on the top of my head and it’s The “I love him but he doesn’t know I exist” Relationship or The “I’m in love with a fictional character” Relationship (which by the way, I also have experience with aha). But you know, it really doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you are in because the only thing that matters most is who you are in love with now. It can be your friend, your neighbor, your brother’s friend — I don’t care — but as long as you’re true to your feelings and you’re working hard to make it work for the person you care about, there’s nothing else that should matter more. Good luck!

Apologue #8: Gold or Fool’s Gold?

James is a recent addition in my not-so-fabulous “crushes” corner. I met him this year back in January and we’ve been very good friends. I guess you can say that he’s one of those people that you just “click” instantaneously. He’s funny and quirky and just like me. I can’t help but love him and be so comfortable around him.

We first met through someone mutual. The guy was someone that used to work for my father but then was being relocated to another site; we’ve only met about two, maybe three times tops. But over those short meetings, he got to know me real fast, and fast enough at that to find a friend that would be in his words, “perfect for me.” He immediately wanted to set up a date but I refused. It felt like a blind date and does anyone actually do those anymore? I wasn’t interested. Besides, I don’t even know THIS guy as well. How can I expect anyone good when I don’t even know the person I’m directly talking with? In the end, the guy left and I thought I wouldn’t see him again but I ran into him just two weeks after. I was out getting a cup of coffee at Starbucks and lo’ and behold, ran into him and his supposed blind date that he wanted me to meet.

Given that I just crawled out of bed only two hours before and I wasn’t in anything presentable, I said I would pass and push it back to another time. I wasn’t looking gross or uncomfortable in what I was wearing but when you’re wearing an over-sized Batman logo tee and some yoga pants with flip flops, it’s just one of those days you need to get your coffee and get out before people start getting in your hair. I didn’t even notice that his friend even walked right up to us to introduce himself because he was waiting all by himself at the table. I really was in no mood to have a chit-chat but my supposed blind date changed my mind when he saw my shirt and said he liked Batman too, and then he starts to unbutton his shirt to reveal he had on a Superman logo shirt under his. Nerdvana. I’ve struck gold.

His smile and his Superman shirt is something I would never forget in my eyes. It’s too cute to pass up. Turns out his friend was right, we were too good for each other. We hit it off straight-away with no problems. We’ve sat together and talked nothing but superheros countless amounts of times, and you know, even though I’m more into fantasy and the supernatural, I really don’t mind because it’s enjoyable to talk about anything with him; even if it’s as stupid as what super power would you have and why.

James is six years older than me but he feels like a friend I grew up with. It’s the strangest thing. I look at him and he seems like an overgrown child. But when I look at him work, he’s diligent and hard-working as all young men should be. When it comes to serious matters, he knows when and how to take control and be firm with his decisions. He’s also such a gentleman – and I don’t mean the ones that open your doors and treats you right, because that’s a given. He’s a gentleman because he was brought up right and knows what is right and wrong in front of his woman.

I’ve seen James work at his workplace and I’ve seen James with his friends. He’s like any typical man when it comes to roughhousing and swigging a few beers talking about the latest football games. When he’s with his friends he likes watching raunchy movies and can trash talk like he grew up in the hood. But when he’s front of me, when he’s talking to me – it’s all gone. It’s like it never exists. At first I was taken aback and kind of shocked at how he can turn off that side of him like a switch. I looked at him as if he had multiple personalities and I would never know which was the real him. But the more I saw him and the more I observed, I came to realize that he’s able to self-control his actions and words very well. That’s nothing to be feared of but more respected. In front of me, he always wants to presentable and a gentleman, there’s nothing wrong with that.

I’ve overheard him and his friends shout and scream curse words in front of the television set as if his living room was the live audience of Jerry Springer. But you know, once I walk into that room, even his friends change into well-behaved men. I don’t know who their mothers are but I want to hug them all for a great job. They all give the cutest smiles and have the silliest faces. Maybe there’s hope after all.

But when I look at James, I can’t help but feel hesitant about diving into a deeper relationship too, just like any men. We may have our quirkiness and share similar tastes in nerdiness but I feel that some of this is too good to be true. What James and I have now is a very open relationship. We’re free to see other people if we wish but we both know we wouldn’t. We’re not committed to one another but if we had to, I’m sure we’d talk about it. So how come it isn’t moving forward? Can relationships actually stand still without advancing? It’s a new question that I’ve been trying to figure out myself these past couple of months. As much as I want to know how he feels about all of this, at the same time I feel that I shouldn’t because we’re really not in that area of relations to be talking about any of this. We’re not friends with benefits or even doing anything in that matter, but we care and spend time with each other every weekend.

Since I first met him in January, there has not been a single weekend that I have spent alone because he always was there. Every weekend we talk of movies or superheros or food. I’m serious when I say that I’ve struck gold. The man actually listens and loves to talk. So why aren’t I doing anything to keep him? Why isn’t he doing anything to keep me? Are we even in the same place, or is this another reason that needs to be added to why I don’t do crushes?

Apologue #6: We’re Just . . . Friends


I think this topic has a soft spot in all of us. I, myself, don’t have a very secure stance when it comes to “can men and women really just be friends.” It’s a touchy subject because I feel, and in all honesty, I haven’t had a male friend who just stayed as a friend from start to finish. I will say that I do have male friends where I haven’t had feelings for them but I can’t guarantee that they felt the same otherwise and also vice versa. I can’t help but feel neutral because I want to say that I truly believe there are people who can be “just friends” but I can’t back it up a 100% just from my accord. I used to be one of those people that would argue and say, “Of course we’re friends! Why can’t we be?” But the older I got, I’ve come to the realization that my thoughts on this have slowly changed. When I was younger (say, middle school and high school, perhaps) I believed strongly that we could be friends. But with college and now after, I don’t think we can indefinitely be just friends because you start looking for potential dates and marriage candidates from your friends since they make the best relationships. No one knows you and understands you better than your friends. And let’s be honest, after college, the dating field decreases at a very fast and insignificant level. College really is a marriage institution and if you’re like me that missed out, it only gets harder from here.  Which is probably why the stability of friendships shorten as well since you have no where else to turn to for a decent relationship.

I used to have no problem hanging with the guys and not have any kind of crush or drama happen back when I was younger. Now, I subconsciously start measuring out random qualities that I see from my friends when something catches my eye that I didn’t see before. I think that we can be friends up to a certain point in our lives, and then at some miraculous level where we see something different, we end up falling for each other because of those interesting tidbits that intrigue us to dive deeper into the person. But with friendship also comes risks of messing up the said “friendship,” the timing can always be off because technically, you didn’t start the friendship to have a relationship, and sometimes if you’re lucky it’ll work out and sometimes we’re unlucky and it’s never going to be the same, ever again.

I have (notice it’s not “had”) this great friend that I’ve known since the second grade. For the purpose of confidentiality, let’s call my friend, Harry. Harry and I have been inseparable since our elementary school years and I can literally say that this friend has stuck by me through thick and thin. Harry is not only my best bud but he’s like my brother, my father, and my lover. I grew up having a truck full of bullies in my younger days because I wasn’t very sociable but Harry fended for me and protected me all the way through high school like any older brother. He was like my father when I needed any kind of advice and I had no one to talk to; he always had the time to lend a ear no matter what time of day or night. And he was like my lover when I needed a date to Homecoming or a shoulder to cry on about other . . . ahem, boyfriends. He had the kindest heart, the warmest hugs, and the softest lips. Harry was such the sweetheart and I knew it. I used to tell it to him all the time. And it didn’t once cross our minds to be serious with what’s in front of us, which was that we were both single and both looking just not looking at each other. The main reason, as always, was the timing. It was always too off for the both of us. It was the usual, “he liked me but I didn’t like him and when I liked him, he didn’t like me” scenario point by point. It wasn’t too hard to figure out.

Up until after high school, our little “drama” was just puppy love and nothing too serious so we both never cared much about it. We both knew that we’d always had crushes on each other here and there but nothing to where we would sit down and talk about it. It wasn’t until maybe my freshman or sophomore year in college where Harry had a little help from our good friend, Jose Cuervo, that he called and flatly asked if we had any future together. This really caught me off guard because up until all this time, it was just good fun and games. Even when we dated for about three months back in our senior year of high school, we never took anything so seriously, so why now? I asked him what came over him so suddenly. He replied by stating that we indeed have something special and definitely something we won’t be able to find elsewhere. We have history and a story to tell our grandchildren, about how he fell in love to the shy girl with the ponytail and floral shorts and tie-dyed t-shirts. How he forgot and fell in love again to the thirteen year old girl that was subconscious about her looks and acne-bombed face but still looked radiant because of the smile on her face. How he forgot again and fell in love with the sixteen year old heartbroken girl that worries she’ll never fall in love with the perfect guy again and isn’t afraid to bawl it out to let it all pass. And now, that we’re both older and wiser, and getting ready to embark on a new journey towards adulthood, wouldn’t want to go alone but together because it’ll be the best damned thing that will ever happen to the both of us.

After hearing that, I was terrified. This is the part where most girls would probably say yes and have their happily ever after. But to me, this was the part where I lay confused and awake for nights trying to figure out how he was so sure and how I wasn’t. He was willing to risk our friendship of thirteen or so years to fight for his happiness and wasn’t afraid of what he might lose if I had said no, but I STILL wasn’t sure because I was more terrified of losing him because I’m already halfway to saying no than saying yes. I was at a bypass. I know that a part of me wanted so much for this to happen but the logical part of me was stopping me for being rash. What if it works out? Sure you’ll be happy and would probably have a great relationship and even possible marriage. But what if it stops at relationship before marriage and everything breaks? Not only is the relationship gone but the friendship is gone with it. Why wouldn’t I be terrified? This is the problem of being a girl. We’re too calculating and we foresee too much into the future to make sure we don’t get hurt in the long run.

But the main thing is, I said no. And I have regretted it ever since I said it. The minute I actually said no, it all felt so wrong. Never in my life did I know at that moment I should have said yes, but it was too late. I couldn’t take it back. I already hurt his feelings and things weren’t the same for a good year and half after that. We didn’t speak to each other and we didn’t do anything to contact one another. In the end, he called me back first and we slowly rekindled our friendship. We had too much history to let it all disappear over one night of disagreement. Sure, our friendship wasn’t the same from before but I can happily say it has gotten stronger because of what we went through together. We had overcome and embarked another new chapter in our lives and we still care and love each other to this day.

Since then, Harry has been in a strong and long relationship with a friend from high school. He isn’t quite happy because he’s been wanting to marry since we graduated from high school yet he’s still a bachelor. He currently shares a home with his girlfriend and is waiting for the right time to propose but I personally don’t see it happening because she isn’t interested in marriage. When I hear and see these painful times that Harry has to go through, I sometimes wonder if I would have ended his misery or worse yet, maybe I would have been the very woman that is making him go through these hardships. I still care for and love him very deeply. Sometimes, from time to time, I’ll be honest but the feelings for him come back. But I don’t want to be the “other woman.” I would never do that to another woman. So, I genuinely wish they would get married soon just so I can finally be at peace with that part in my heart because Harry will always be my brother, my father, my boyfriend.