I Just Can’t

I’m mad at myself, not you.

I’m mad for always being nice,
always apologizing for things I didn’t do,
for getting attached,
for making you my life,
depending on you,
wasting my time on you,
thinking about you,
forgiving you,
wishing for you,
dreaming of you.

But most of all, for not hating you, which I know I should . . .

But I just can’t.

Apologue #5: It’s Not Okay to be Single

It’s nothing new when people ask me repeatedly why I choose to be single. Just like I respect your decisions on your lifestyle, I pray tell that you be courteous enough with mine as I talk a little bit about myself. The short version is that I am tired of dating. The slighter longer but still short version is that I give at least one chance to anyone that pursues me, but I am tired of dating the wrong people. Now, I’m sure that even though I blog of stories in a gender-less mode, I’m pretty sure that everyone who has come across my blog knows that I am indeed, a woman. Surprise, surprise (can you note the sarcasm in my writing yet?)! Anywho, going by just personality, I do tend to be a bit androgynous which drives both men and women equally crazy. I tend to have more male friends and enjoy the laid-back environment but I also tend to be very popular with the ladies for my protective and “gentlemanly” qualities. I have gotten a few love letters and confessions by other women just as respectively as I have with my fellow men. I’m strictly heterosexual but it’s good to know I have a back-up (just kidding).

I’m like a universal “Chandler,” a character from my favorite sitcom series, “FRIENDS.” I have certain “characteristics” that bring appeal to both sexes, or else don’t in some cases. I haven’t had many relationships but I have had countless amounts of dates. Like I said, I give everyone at least one chance (you can never know who you fall in love with unless you give it a shot). And through my journey of the dating world, I have become so exhausted because it seems any person I date isn’t much different from the last person I dated. Nothing was new. Nothing sparked my interests anymore. It’s as if everyone was using the same dating manual. I still go on dates from time to time but I don’t do relationships so easily. So going back to not dating, I just don’t find anyone as appealing and interesting anymore, so it’s been harder for me to see anyone. But since I enjoy reflecting back on past experiences and writing about them, I’m not really so lonely as I enjoy my time being single.

But lately, I don’t know if it’s because I’m in my twenties and everyone around me is already married or about to be married, I feel the push and pressures of marriage. And it certainly hasn’t been easier around society because everyone wants to know everything about how the “young people date” these days. Which brings me to today’s topic on why people look at me funny when I say I choose to be single.

This is a true scenario that happened to me a few months back . . . I was at a cafe with a few of my friends and other acquaintances one day until the person that was sitting across from me asked me if I was seeing anyone. When I replied no and explained my choices to stay single, I was ridiculed, called “crazy” and “not of sound mind” for wanting to choose the single lifestyle. I was indeed shocked to the point of being flabbergasted. Never in my life did anyone talk to me in such a rude manner. It was ridiculous. I have met my fair share of jerky people but this was the worst. Just because I didn’t follow the same quality of standards that other people may follow, I was called out and verbally abused for it. It’s actually not that far-fetched that some people and I follow in choosing to be single because: A) We get tired of dating jerky people like them, and B) Not interested, period. These choices are for my own benefit and my own lifestyle, why should I be judged for my own individuality? It’s not like I am insisting others partake my enthusiasm.

I tried to explain myself but this person didn’t want to hear any of it. It’s not like I was celibate and I explained that part too (not that there is anything wrong with celibacy, either). But nothing was going through, as all stubborn people are. Soon I wasn’t just being called crazy in actually choosing to be single, but also lying in order to hide my embarrassment of not being taken by someone.

Rude. Rude. RUDE.

Honestly, I didn’t need to waste my time for these kind of low-life people. I didn’t get offended because I defended what I believed in and it doesn’t matter whether they believe what I say because I chose this for myself. But what did get me offended was that there were other single women listening in on our conversation and I could see that they believed every, single, hurtful word that was uttered out of this horrible person’s mouth. That hurt me the most out of everything this person was spitting out. These were the very people that I care for the most and are my friends, and they were listening and agreeing and getting upset from these criticisms.

Every one of us has feelings. Every single one of us deserves to be loved and not to be spoken in such a light manner. These women were smiling and trying to not make a big deal of it but in their eyes I could see their heartbreaks and their battles of the millionth time, and it was just all so frustrating!

At the end of our debate, this person actually moved away from me and sat down at another seat on the far end of the group, remarking as they were moving that they had better get out of the way before any more of my “crazy and unrealistic singledom ideals” rub off on them. Ironic because that fool is single too. Actually, every person in that group was single. It’s great to know that it’s okay for you to be single but it’s not okay for me. So, why did I choose to be single again? I really can’t hold in my laughter any longer 😉