Apologue #32: Alpha Dogs & Beta Wolves

One of the many topics that I will never come close to understanding is the mindset of alpha males and beta males. Of course, I’m not going to get into all of that today albeit it is always an interesting debate; but today, I would like to share an interesting perspective I got from James.

To briefly explain the relationship James and I share together, I really can’t say what we have. A friendship is there and that’s a fact. Is there something more? I believe there to be. But we both haven’t pursued anything therefore it’s one of those open-ended relationships. We do meet every weekend to enjoy the company of one another although we haven’t for the past month because I thought it unwise since I clearly believed that I would be the one that may end up losing all hope. Anyways, my lonely counterpart got the best of me as I could probably say the same with him and we met up for a quick brunch earlier today.

I filled him briefly of what has been going on in the past month of my life as did he and our conversation quickly changed to what has been bothering me lately, which happens to be my last apologue. I told him of my weird encounters with my friend, Ron, from this past weekend and how it has been bothering me. James of course, listened wholeheartedly without any interruption and didn’t judge me for my randomness either (he really is such a sweetheart).

But going back to the alphas and the betas, when he asked what kind of guy Ron was, I immediately went straight ahead and said Ron was an obvious beta wolf. Which actually took James by surprise because he genuinely did not understand where that was coming from and asked for an explanation between the differences of alpha dogs and beta wolves and also as to how I categorize men into them respectively.

I shouldn’t have been surprised that this was his first time hearing such descriptions considering when you think how many men will actually look at other men they encounter and start categorizing what kind of male dominance he possesses? None. I really don’t believe I have met any.

After I embarrassingly briefed him of my speculations as to why I categorize men in this fashion he didn’t say much but that he understands where I’m coming from. What surprised me most was how easily he had categorized other men after my influence. I categorized alphas and betas based off of skill, personality, physical looks, and generally how men confront women. James was more direct and said he believes character and self-esteem in men will generally be derive from whether they are a virgin or not.

Interesting, yes. I pondered on that for a moment and then quietly started to close my case because as much as I didn’t want to think about the sexual history of all my male counterparts, I believe his speculation is amazingly right on the dot. I’m sure this doesn’t concern all men but the generality of the format. But interestingly enough, it seems that the characters and personalities that I look for when categorizing these said men, all do come from the ego part of the man and that again, can root down to sexual security.

This is new information and a train of thought I haven’t dived deeply into which I probably would another time but yet again, I’m blown away to James’ cunning and witty train of thought. Can I even call that wit? I don’t know, but the more I meet this man, the more I know I come into dangers for falling for him deeper each time.

Our brunch was cut short after he asked what I thought of him; whether I think of him as an alpha dog or a beta wolf. I really couldn’t say since I see both parts in him. Maybe he’s a real gamma man, I don’t know. I just wish I didn’t hear what he said next about me never leaving again to see Ron because Ron obviously doesn’t know what a catch he’s missing as he smiles with that sly mouth of his. Tempting dog but a clever wolf, that one.

He kept telling me don’t until we said our goodbyes. And you know, I think I just might say yes.

Apologue #21: Never Look Away

It always amazes me how you can just feel someone looking your way
Even when you’re not looking in their direction and you’re just working, simple like that.
I was working on paperwork and you were cleaning out the icebox
And I was too engrossed in reading what was in front of me that the silence we shared didn’t even unsettle me.
I guess that’s just how comfortable I am around you
But every now and then I can feel you glancing up and looking at me and I ignore it thinking it was the trick of the light.
Because why would you stare? Why would you look?
Because what’s in front of you isn’t anything different
It’s something you see that’s never-changing every time you come by and walk through my door.

But then at the same time I have that little light of hope and start thinking if there’s something there
Wondering what you think about as you catch a glimpse of me.
Is she really reading that paper? How come she never looks up at me?
And then when I think it’s safe to see what you’re doing and I look up and our eyes meet each other
I don’t know what to do but then you’re already smiling so I smile back and cover my face with all the papers.
Panicking if you saw the flush on my cheeks or hyperventilating in hopes that he doesn’t think I was just sitting here
Stealing captures of him with my eyes and not actually doing my work as I told him I was.

Ten minutes, twenty minutes
Thirty minutes seem like hours.
No words are being spoken but the tension is rising
As you know he can feel too how he adores the silence just as much as I do.
Because he understands me without having to deeply know me
By just feeling what I need and want from him because that’s all he wants back too.
But no matter how many times he looks up in hopes of catching me again with my eyes
I keep averting and looking away not because I’m shy.
But scared he’ll catch on and start seeing more than he should see
But it seems he’s already started every time I look away.

Apologue #10: You Look Real Good in Purple

He says I look good in purple
As he give me a thumbs up and leaves for the night
He says I need to watch Thor
Because I can’t come to really appreciate Marvel at its silent best
Plus it just happens to be his favorite movie and wants it to be mine too before we can go see the new sequel

He says he loves it when my hair is straight
But my natural curls always gets his fingers to want to entwine and play with them
He says he loves a girl with some meat on her bones
And isn’t just saying it to make me feel better about myself
But really appreciates that true women all have curves and isn’t afraid to admit that he likes to hold on to something when we hold each other close

He says that he wants something greater
As he talks about past relationships and failed commitments
He says that he wants us to be together
Because he can see the greatness that we can be combined as one
Compared to just a lonely one of two separate existences

He says however that he doesn’t want to get married
And doesn’t want kids and commitments to tie him down too tight
Although he already has two and another woman waiting for him to come down his pedestal
As I listen to him saying that she’s just his past and I’m his new future
As he still ravishes me in words that sound so flawless but gets me uncertain

But at the end of the day as our time comes to a close
And I’m here in front of him and he looks me real close
He still surprises me when I look up and think he’s not looking
But he is and I still feel a flutter as he smiles and he says
You look real good in purple

love o’clock

Apologue #8: Gold or Fool’s Gold?

James is a recent addition in my not-so-fabulous “crushes” corner. I met him this year back in January and we’ve been very good friends. I guess you can say that he’s one of those people that you just “click” instantaneously. He’s funny and quirky and just like me. I can’t help but love him and be so comfortable around him.

We first met through someone mutual. The guy was someone that used to work for my father but then was being relocated to another site; we’ve only met about two, maybe three times tops. But over those short meetings, he got to know me real fast, and fast enough at that to find a friend that would be in his words, “perfect for me.” He immediately wanted to set up a date but I refused. It felt like a blind date and does anyone actually do those anymore? I wasn’t interested. Besides, I don’t even know THIS guy as well. How can I expect anyone good when I don’t even know the person I’m directly talking with? In the end, the guy left and I thought I wouldn’t see him again but I ran into him just two weeks after. I was out getting a cup of coffee at Starbucks and lo’ and behold, ran into him and his supposed blind date that he wanted me to meet.

Given that I just crawled out of bed only two hours before and I wasn’t in anything presentable, I said I would pass and push it back to another time. I wasn’t looking gross or uncomfortable in what I was wearing but when you’re wearing an over-sized Batman logo tee and some yoga pants with flip flops, it’s just one of those days you need to get your coffee and get out before people start getting in your hair. I didn’t even notice that his friend even walked right up to us to introduce himself because he was waiting all by himself at the table. I really was in no mood to have a chit-chat but my supposed blind date changed my mind when he saw my shirt and said he liked Batman too, and then he starts to unbutton his shirt to reveal he had on a Superman logo shirt under his. Nerdvana. I’ve struck gold.

His smile and his Superman shirt is something I would never forget in my eyes. It’s too cute to pass up. Turns out his friend was right, we were too good for each other. We hit it off straight-away with no problems. We’ve sat together and talked nothing but superheros countless amounts of times, and you know, even though I’m more into fantasy and the supernatural, I really don’t mind because it’s enjoyable to talk about anything with him; even if it’s as stupid as what super power would you have and why.

James is six years older than me but he feels like a friend I grew up with. It’s the strangest thing. I look at him and he seems like an overgrown child. But when I look at him work, he’s diligent and hard-working as all young men should be. When it comes to serious matters, he knows when and how to take control and be firm with his decisions. He’s also such a gentleman – and I don’t mean the ones that open your doors and treats you right, because that’s a given. He’s a gentleman because he was brought up right and knows what is right and wrong in front of his woman.

I’ve seen James work at his workplace and I’ve seen James with his friends. He’s like any typical man when it comes to roughhousing and swigging a few beers talking about the latest football games. When he’s with his friends he likes watching raunchy movies and can trash talk like he grew up in the hood. But when he’s front of me, when he’s talking to me – it’s all gone. It’s like it never exists. At first I was taken aback and kind of shocked at how he can turn off that side of him like a switch. I looked at him as if he had multiple personalities and I would never know which was the real him. But the more I saw him and the more I observed, I came to realize that he’s able to self-control his actions and words very well. That’s nothing to be feared of but more respected. In front of me, he always wants to presentable and a gentleman, there’s nothing wrong with that.

I’ve overheard him and his friends shout and scream curse words in front of the television set as if his living room was the live audience of Jerry Springer. But you know, once I walk into that room, even his friends change into well-behaved men. I don’t know who their mothers are but I want to hug them all for a great job. They all give the cutest smiles and have the silliest faces. Maybe there’s hope after all.

But when I look at James, I can’t help but feel hesitant about diving into a deeper relationship too, just like any men. We may have our quirkiness and share similar tastes in nerdiness but I feel that some of this is too good to be true. What James and I have now is a very open relationship. We’re free to see other people if we wish but we both know we wouldn’t. We’re not committed to one another but if we had to, I’m sure we’d talk about it. So how come it isn’t moving forward? Can relationships actually stand still without advancing? It’s a new question that I’ve been trying to figure out myself these past couple of months. As much as I want to know how he feels about all of this, at the same time I feel that I shouldn’t because we’re really not in that area of relations to be talking about any of this. We’re not friends with benefits or even doing anything in that matter, but we care and spend time with each other every weekend.

Since I first met him in January, there has not been a single weekend that I have spent alone because he always was there. Every weekend we talk of movies or superheros or food. I’m serious when I say that I’ve struck gold. The man actually listens and loves to talk. So why aren’t I doing anything to keep him? Why isn’t he doing anything to keep me? Are we even in the same place, or is this another reason that needs to be added to why I don’t do crushes?