Apologue #14: Quit Playing Games with My Heart

Yes, please. Give it back to the poor girl. It’s definitely not something to toy with . . .

Sadly enough to say, as I have been watching this gif for the past 30 minutes, no one comes to mind on who has ever “stolen my heart.” I have been privileged enough falling in love with a couple of men in my life, but none who purposely played around with me or shook me up so much that I couldn’t think straight. I’ve had the usual “Date Special” with the rapid heartbeats that make it hard for you to breathe and the fluttering butterflies with the side of nervous wreck stiffness. But I really don’t think anyone stole my heart and has played around with it to mess me up.

Not that that’s a bad thing, but when I look at myself and see that I’ve never really had someone that has caught my heart before, it makes me wonder if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I feel good in the sense that no one looked at my lightly in order to screw me over, but I also feel bad thinking that maybe I’ve never really had the love that others have with the shocking pink hearts popping out of your eyes, flying on top of cloud nine, kind of love.

I am one of those people that don’t open their hearts easily to people in general. I am nice to everyone, but trusting you and getting to know you and creating a friendship bond comes in steps and doesn’t happen instantaneously with me. So you can imagine, how long I have to get to know you and trust you in order to like you, then fall in love with you and get to the point of “oh my gosh, I can’t live without you” phase (which is usually – never . . . sadly).

Maybe I’m too guarded with my feelings and emotions because of so much pain and suffering I’ve had to deal with in my past relationships that even when a player comes along to play with my heart, they see how wretched I am that they don’t dare come close. Or maybe I’m like a mother lion guarding her cub (aka my heart) so heavily that no predator can come to harm it. I think when it comes down to evaluating yourself and why you are emotional to a certain level or why you have certain experiences in relationships, is a difficult weight of scaling on your shoulders because we want to be able to look at ourselves and be proud and prideful of who we are but at the same time we can’t help but also bum out and lose confidence when we’re not the person we want ourselves to be.

At times like these, I want to ask my past admirers what caught their eye when they saw me at first glance. Why they liked the person that I am or what made them have the drive to start a relationship with me. It’s evaluations like these that I feel can be quite helpful in reflecting yourself to see in the eyes of someone who once loved you, and to see just what kind of girlfriend you were, what kind of woman you were, what kind of lover you were . . .

Now I’m beginning to wonder if I had ever toyed with someone’s heart . . . this certainly is an interesting turn of events. Another reflection of what kind of girlfriend I was once, ha! I don’t believe that I come anywhere close as the guy running around with the little girl’s heart and smiling as she tries to get her heart back, but who knows if I was always an angel or a devil within my past loves?

But that sounds like another story for next time.