Apologue #51: LDR

Sorry for my lack of creativity lately. I’ve been struggling with writer’s block these past couple weeks and I don’t know how to shake it off. It’s funny how it happens. I have so much I still have to say but the words don’t come. It’s as if my fingers are disconnected from my brain waves and can’t pick up any signals. It’s the funniest thing and I’m trying hard to get back on track (so, I’m apologizing now in case this apologue is written really horribly). My humblest apologies.

Not only have I had been struck with writer’s block but I have also been bitten by the love bug. And it sure is a nasty bite I would love to share. For my daily readers, it’s someone you already know. I’ve started having a fancy towards my good friend, Ron. But it’s been rough between him and I this past month where this all started.

It actually happened very nonchalantly as old friends would be when it comes to reconnecting. One phone call from him and we were chatting nonstop like teeny boppers yammering about the N’Sync concert (I guess, it’s all about One Direction now, sorry for reminiscing back to the 90’s).

Countless after countless hours of phone conversations, texts, and skyping — my old ticker started pumping once again and I’m sprouting shocking pink hearts of lovey-doveyness at any mention of Ron. It’s hilarious and sad altogether. But it’s definitely also been rough. With working on my end and him being a grad student, our schedules are definitely top notch hard to match. Hence we actually text more than we actually can talk and save our weekends to rewind and binge-talk for hours. It’s not a bad start but having a six hour driving distance is definitely rough too since we really don’t have a chance to drive to each other.

Being the emotional girl that I am, I’m pretty dead set on how my feelings are for him but I have the feeling he’s still in the gray area of things. I know that he likes me, and I know he loves talking to me (and you know how men are on the phone, they do not like talking more than 10 seconds tops), and he definitely makes the time and effort to be there for me, even if it’s only verbal so I guess it’s enough emotional support for now.

But he’s really thinking hard if this LDR (Long Distance Relationship) is good for the both of us. I’ve done it and it’s rough, I won’t lie. He has never had any experience here so I can tell he’s scared even though he hasn’t told me. And I wish there was still some way I could reassure him but let’s be honest, no relationship can be steady and stable without a sturdy trust foundation — and this kind of trust is different in a couple from a friend, and I feel this is where he’s having a lot of trouble.

I honestly can say that I can trust him enough that he won’t cheat or do anything bad while he is apart from me, but I don’t trust the people and the environment he is in, and that does lead to small doubts that there may still always be a chance he could do something wrong. Same goes for me as well. That whole, “out of sight, out of mind” is not a lie.

It’s so difficult and hard to handle how we like each other but we both can’t take a step forward in making this work in fear we would hurt each other (even in the smallest of things). If only one person out of the two of us had the fear and the other was more aggressive to make this work, it would be better. But sadly, we both share similar personalities and characteristics, and we think way too much and end up at a standstill in limbo.

What is the best solution to this problem? Should we back off from each other until our situations become better? Should we still pursue one another no matter what because we both share feelings, no matter the outcome of good or bad? Or do we just talk for hours together FOREVER? Is LDR a lost form of love and shouldn’t be tampered with? These questions and more are cluttering every crevice of my mind and it’s literally driving me crazy (even though I seem perfectly normal and at ease on the outside).

POKER FACE! 🙂

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I Just Can’t


I’m mad at myself, not you.

I’m mad for always being nice,
always apologizing for things I didn’t do,
for getting attached,
for making you my life,
depending on you,
wasting my time on you,
thinking about you,
forgiving you,
wishing for you,
dreaming of you.

But most of all, for not hating you, which I know I should . . .

But I just can’t.

Just Friends

I know that I don’t own you,
and perhaps I never will,
so my anger when you’re with her,
I have no right to feel.

I know that you don’t owe me,
and I shouldn’t ask for more;
I shouldn’t feel so let down,
all the times when you don’t call.

What I feel, I shouldn’t show you,
so when you’re around I won’t,
I know I’ve no right to feel it –
but it doesn’t mean I don’t.

Lang Leav

Apologue #16: The Seven New Basic Relationships of Today

I actually found this interesting post a couple days back (I wish I would have saved the post) that I found amusing yet satisfyingly true to today’s standards of dating compared to dating back in our grandparent’s time or even further than that. It’s sad because it’s true and it’s funny because I actually have experiences in each category. Which by the way, makes me very wary of what will happen in the dating world years after my time and my children or grandchildren will be dating and how many rules and relationship standards will change in their time. But alas, that’s for future me to worry about so let’s roll down to these “Seven Basic Relationships.”

1. The “I like him, he likes her” Relationship.
When the person you love is in love with someone else.

Ouch, yes. This one is a whammy that always hurts. It’s a classic relationship that is equally understandable in all time aspects so I’m glad it’s the first one. With my experience, I feel that I’ve had this happen quite a several times. It’s not something you want to admit or think often about but it happens often because no one can constantly be in love with just, you. This happened a few times with my friend Harry (check back to Apologue #6). As much as we had moments that only we share, Harry has also had one other woman on his other side (which is also who is seeing currently). When timing was against us, he always had his lady friend. When he was away from his lady friend and wanted to pursue me, I always had someone else. We did this back and forth for so many years that I’ve lost count. But we’ve officially haven’t pursued one another in the past four years, so I feel safe so say that we’re both in a place where we belong. This kind of relationship really conflicts with your emotions and it’s something that I personally feel is a waste of your time and shouldn’t linger no matter how much you like your significant other. If they are looking towards someone else and their feelings are true to that matter, than there really is no point trying to block them or make them see your way. Now, having that said, isn’t it odd to want to make someone like you back instead of their own accord? I personally don’t know how happy I would be with someone who made me like them and start a relationship . . . So my advice is it’s better to give up and go look for someone else, and maybe the second time around, they may be available.

2. The “Everyone knows, except them” Relationship.
When two people act like they are together, even though they do not admit it, they still show it.

Oh boo to this too. I may sound like such a downer but it’s true that I don’t like to waste my time (even when I do waste it a lot on other things so easily — at least on things and people that I believe deserve my time). When it comes to these kinds of arrangements, I know it’s a very delicate subject because you’re both trying to figure what what’s going on, but if “everyone” knows, then I’m sure your significant other does too (aka people talk). Whether they’re aren’t asking you out because they’re trying to figure out how to do it or they’re just testing the waters to see compatibility, it doesn’t matter no matter how well they show you what you mean to them until they’re actually telling you how they feel about you. You can act a couple all you want, but it’s not official unless somebody starts talking and straightening things out or it’ll just get messier and harder for you to get out of.

I had a friend that was exactly like this. Theodore and I met in college and have been inseparable friends all the way til graduation. We always hung out together, had dinners together, we’re always on the phone together; people thought we were joined at the hip. He always treated me right and I really thought we had something going on and so started prying around to see if his feelings towards me were true. Sadly, it was literally like he had no effing clue what he was doing. People everywhere thought we’ve already started dating but he had no idea that the actions and words he was saying were really things that people in relationships would do or say. Turns out that Theo has never had a girlfriend and so everything he does was all out of generosity and his mother’s upbringing of him being a good gentleman. It was really tough for me because I thought (and so did everyone else) we could have something real. We carried on like this for almost two years thinking that maybe he’ll snap out of his stupidity and ask me out on a real date. It’s a very sad thing indeed that even to this day, he still has no clue how much he “led me on” with his good-natured gentlemanly ways.

3. The “Love/Hate” Relationship.
When two people fight or argue to make others think they do not have feelings for each other.
I feel that this one is a bit tricky. I don’t know if you’re purposely arguing in front of others to prove you don’t have anything when clearly you do, or you can’t help but argue because of difference in views but still love each other. Either way, both relationships do exist. I’ll pick the latter because that’s the one I have experience with.

Richard was sophisticated and a man strong with his words. He definitely had an indifferent sense of humor and enjoyed reading Poe by candlelight and red wine because that’s what all Poe enthusiasts should do. He was proper but loved taboo. Many nights we would sit arguing over different debate topics and every night, he’d pretty much had me whipped. I didn’t like how his views were so strong and so one-sided but I loved the man that he was, not what of he argued. Our views on religion, politics, literature ALL clashes, but it was our differences that intrigued both of us and probably the cause of what drew us together in the first place. I learned a great deal from Richard. He is one of the few I would never forget.

4. The “Friend Zone” Relationship.
When the person you love only sees you as a close friend.
I feel that I hear this everywhere I go. It’s always talk of the “friend zone” or “I love my best friend.” I have seen and heard some pretty harsh ones out there and sadly, not only is it pitiful if you are the one with the feelings but very manipulate if you are the other that has no feelings. Usually the stories that I hear most when it comes to the “friend zone” are really horrible, I don’t think I’ve ever heard one that was decent and worth thinking over to help the poor guy or gal. The things of horror that I hear about how they bought them an iPod, or a ring, or a car and they STILL haven’t blinked an eye, makes absolutely no sense. It’s makes no sense because it’s BS. Simple as that. It just makes me so sad to hear friends having sacrificed so much for the person they care so deeply about, and the receiver does nothing but willingly takes everything given to them. I really don’t know how some people can just do that as if that is to be expected to have feelings for you. I apologize if I overstepped on some toes, but if you have a story about your friend zone that wasn’t manipulative and sacrificial, please share some with me because I have heard no good stories that have come through and I need more enlightenment.

5. The “Just Kidding” Relationship.
When two people keep breaking up and getting back together.
As ridiculous as this sounds, yes, this one has happened to me too. And just to save the torment of numerous long stories, we got back together twice (so in my defense, it wasn’t all that bad). But you know, these kinds of relationships are really a joke. You can yammer at me all you want, but let me tell you something from my end of the experience in these situations — it doesn’t mean you love them or he loves you and keeps coming back. What this does mean is that a person can change but not as fast or as something you want them to, so you end it and leave but keep coming back and give them too many chances to false hopes and promises the other end can’t keep. It’s relationships that have nothing good in store for you and it’s definitely something you shouldn’t keep coming back for. I know it’s hard because you want to keep your faith in them to change, but seriously, once is enough. If they can’t get their act straight after one chance, there really is no point giving them extra chances for something that can’t be fixed to them if they don’t think it’s broken. End of story.

6. The “Best Friend” Relationship.
When a boy and a girl are just friends, but at one point, they fall in love with each other.
This scenario pretty much sums up most of my relationships. I don’t date strangers that I just met at the mall (STRANGER DANGER!) or go on random drinking soirees with someone I met at a bar. Call me old-fashioned but I like taking steps in getting to know someone, bonding friendships, and then seeing something more and then perhaps dating relations. It’s hard for me to date someone I know nothing of (not that I haven’t dated anyone besides friends), it’s just that I get nervous to find out if they are ax murderers or dungeon masters. So when it comes to the “Best Friend” Relationship, I feel that this is the best bet on most people. We all have someone that is our closest buds that we just can’t live without. You know, that special someone that you dragged every clothing store to, told all your dirty secrets, and knows that you startle yourself to the sound of your own fart when you’re napping but assures you it was them and you still fall asleep (SO did not happen). But you know who I mean, and they are the best. If everything works out perfect and you can be with them forever, I’m so happy for you and I wish you nothing but the best. Because that’s what I’m still looking for. If you’re out there and still looking for this like me, don’t give up because there’s more of us out there than you think, so don’t lose faith.

7. Lastly, the “If You’re Lucky” Relationship.
When the person you fall in love with, falls in love with you
.
At times we do rely on luck to get us by and boy don’t we ever rely a lot on that when it comes to the beginning stages of relationships! When it comes to my puppy love, I believe that Peter was a very big blessing in my life. He really did bring me a lot of luck. We shared many wonderful experiences together and most of them were our first of everything. We shared our first date, our first hand-holding, our first kiss — and when I look back at these lucky moments, luck really played a big part because I feel that it’s so hard to meet someone and both fall in love with at the same time. I think love is such a miraculous and powerful thing. It doesn’t come easy and it certainly does not happen as often as it should. To us it all sounded easy because we were nothing but young teens at this time (Peter is the protagonist of Apologue #1) but as I grow older and wiser with the knowledge of heartfelt emotion, it was really miraculous how we had that one summer of fairy tale-like love that sprouted on us like dandelions even though it is true that it ended like the gusts of wind that blew the seed heads away.

After reading through each category and adding a little bit of myself as well, I feel that I too, fall under these new relationships that are encircling us in this time. As much as I thought I was traditional and classical, one can’t really fall out of the time they live in no matter how different their views. As much as I scoffed and thought these relationships were silly, I took part in all of them. I feel that there are more out there in the making or some that didn’t make the list. Already I can think of some on the top of my head and it’s The “I love him but he doesn’t know I exist” Relationship or The “I’m in love with a fictional character” Relationship (which by the way, I also have experience with aha). But you know, it really doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you are in because the only thing that matters most is who you are in love with now. It can be your friend, your neighbor, your brother’s friend — I don’t care — but as long as you’re true to your feelings and you’re working hard to make it work for the person you care about, there’s nothing else that should matter more. Good luck!