Apologue #50: Ignorance is the Best Policy

THIS IS A RANT POST AND YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Okay, having this established that I’ll be rambling, this is something that boils me over every single time even when, I too, am a woman. It’s just that some girls baffle me to the point where I think my brain is on the verge of exploding. This has nothing to do with age, whether you know the right facts, or what you think is the best choice for yourself because you can’t make the right decisions if you have NO  COMMON SENSE.

I have experience in teaching safe sex education not just to youths and teenagers but adults too. Having been a peer counselor, I am very comfortable in talking about any areas that people have questions about when it comes to relationships and sex, contraceptives and STDs, as well as trauma cases. I actually encourage people to always ask me questions if there are any gray areas or if they are confused about anything (and I mean, ANYTHING). And I have done this long enough to not judge people in whatever problems they bring me. My priority as a counselor and educator, is to always help you first.

BUT, let me just note the fact, that it will tick me off quite a few times, when I tell you to be straightforward with me and encourage you to be honest, but you wait too long until after the problem has happened and thus creating a even bigger problem, and THEN you still want me to help you fix it. I still won’t judge you but I will be very disappointed and upset with you. This kind of irresponsible behavior, acting like headless chickens or off-the-wall hormonal teenagers, will indeed, make me want to rip your head off. Why ask for help now after the aftermath when these have now become your consequences? Do you not know it’s just that much harder to help you now? And you wonder why therapists have high levels of stress.

To explain my rants better, today was just one of those days. A friend (I know!) was scared that she might be pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby and she didn’t know what to do about it. Now, having said that, she was asking for help and I was more than willing to be with her every step of the way. It wasn’t until I got curious to ask just how they’be been managing their sex life when she got so scared from “possibly” being pregnant.

Surprise, surprise. No knowledge of safe sex. No knowledge of contraceptives, even off the counter medications. No knowledge of even understanding and knowing how sex should feel. But the scariest fact of them all, is that she has had other sexual partners before yet she still didn’t know anything remotely basic. She’s been living a life of disarray without any knowledge about taking better care of herself and her body. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? 

Seriously, you’re in your twenties! How did you live life without knowing any of this vital information? Did your mother never tell you? Did your school never have sex education when you were younger? If no one has ever told you, why did you never ask? You know this is my area of expertise and I’m your friend, why did you not come sooner? If you were too embarrassed, pick up a book. If you don’t know what books to find, my gawd, just Google it. The sources are everywhere. You just did not care.

This may seem like useless ranting, but I’m also stating it because I genuinely care about people and what happens to them. Especially if it was problems that could have been prevented. If you need help, if you have questions, if you need answers, just talk to me. It’s that simple. I will be your confidante. I will help you to the best of my abilities so that I can meet your needs. This obtains to all my followers and people that don’t even follow me. I don’t care. Sex is more serious than we take it for.

I may sound old because of my style of ranting, but I’m young too just like all of you. I’m in my twenties too but I seriously believe that people, young and old, don’t take these matters as serious as they should be. Any questions?

Apologue #44: Timing is a Bitch



Kids, your old Aunt Robin knew exactly what she was talking about. Timing sure is a bitch. It’s as if the heavens didn’t have enough to gloat and laugh about from our own daily miseries and decided to add the concept of “perfect timing” as the tip of the iceberg in trying to ruin our decent lives — correction, relationships.

This is the story about how I was once engaged to a wonderful man named Zachery and how horrible our timing was. Zachery proposed during the spring semester of my freshman year in college. Yup, fresh out of high school but fresh into college — what a genius we both were.

It was a time when we were too young and naive to know anything better. Our youthful hearts got in the way of everything and we truly believed that love will solve all our problems. But in all seriousness, we actually planned it out and thought it was a good time. We weren’t that stupid. It just seems those times were ignorant now that I’m wiser and older, or whatever I am now.

I was a freshman starting my pre-med program and he was seven years older and working on his Ph.D towards electrical engineering. We were two nerds in a pod. And frankly, it didn’t bother us much. We’ve already been together for almost two years so school was already much part of our lives. We were just happy to be in the same school together.

We as a couple didn’t do much when it came to the romantic essence of things. We studied, ate, and fell asleep on desks most of the time. He and I were both new to the town and starting fresh, so we didn’t have much friends to hang out either. But it was okay, we pretty much felt married anyways, nagging and all.

After accepting the proposal and planning the wedding we tried to be logical and realistic to the best that we could. We knew each other too well and we both knew that as much as we wanted to be married, the now aspect of things wasn’t a good time. We decided that there really is no use rushing and being the considerate gentleman he was, he knew I needed lots of time to pull off my dream wedding. So, we decided to get married after I graduate from college — he was willing to wait 3+ years for me.

There was never a trace of guilt for having to wait on each other for that long. I wanted to finish school first and at least try and find a decent job and he agreed. He wanted to get most of his program done too before having to worry about marriage life. We managed to be negotiable and understanding as best as we could.

It sounds all good up to here. He was perfect and I was dandy. But time — never holds still for anybody. It wasn’t long, probably half a year, when he started asking funny questions, such as, if I could graduate earlier, what kind of career path I’m looking into, where would I likely want to live, etc. Then he started asking if there was any chance of moving the wedding to an earlier date. I don’t know why, but I started seeing red flags everywhere and I couldn’t explain to myself, why I would in the first place.

I really loved Zachery, I really did. I really wanted to marry him, I truly did. But it scared me to death every time he brought up the topic of bringing up the wedding sooner.

It wasn’t until one day, he went out of town with a couple of friends for some man-time, when he suddenly to call. Naturally, I figured that it was a call about him hitting the road soon or to not wait up. He called to tell me what a great time he was having with the boys and of course, he’d be late but to also check the text he’ll be sending after we hang up. Sure enough, a picture text came and behold, it was a photo of some house. It was extremely beautiful and mesmerizing until I see his text that reads, “I found our dream house. Should we buy?”

I didn’t think he was serious so I brushed it off until he the next day when he asked how I liked the house again. I exclaimed how beautiful it was and asked how’d he find it, but in all seriousness, he asked again if we should buy. I was dead in my tracks. I couldn’t breathe a word to him. I just blankly stared not knowing what to say. I was like a deer in headlights.

He then started raving about how the house is perfect in his ever so excitable voice, and how the city is right in the middle of his parent’s place and my parent’s place so the drive on both sides wouldn’t be too long and unbearable. He then started saying it’s a good time to go ahead and buy it now if we like it so much and then we can move right in without having newlywed troubles of finding a place to go. And he was convincing me that he knew that as soon as he saw the house, he knew that I would love it because it looks exactly like the ones I used to describe on the top of my head on how the porch looks like, or what color it was, or how big the driveway would be.

Zachery really was a great man, and enthusiastic at that. I felt really guilty but it just wasn’t the right time. Rushing everything made me feel as if everything in my future was already predestined because he was taking full control of everything. I didn’t feel happy but more panicky and full of stress and anxiety. I wasn’t relieved that he was being assertive and actually doing something and planning a life for us. It may sound selfish, but this is our life we would be spending together until we die, why weren’t we doing this together? And why on earth is he suddenly rushing when he promised he could wait? What possibly changed?

I tried to persuade him the best that I could that buying the house now isn’t the smart thing to do. We wouldn’t know if that city is where we would be 2-3 years from now after we graduate. We wouldn’t know if we would be able to find good jobs that we like in that city. We just wouldn’t know of anything that could possibly happen that could deter our futures.

Zachery, of course, didn’t buy any of that. He went on full macho-man-mode and started going off, “If we’re going to get married anyway, why not sooner so we have more time together?” or “Are you having doubts about this marriage?” or my ultimate favorite, “Do you not love me anymore?”

In the end, without my consent, he bought the house. I believe that he still owns the house but whether he still resides there is unbeknownst to me since it has already been years since we broke up and ended all forms of contact. But when we did break up, not even two days later, he resigned from his workplace, gave up on his degree program, packed up and moved into that house.

As much I know how much (or maybe not so since I am not him) pain that I inflicted upon him, it hurt me too, how much I had hurt him and literally broke him. As much as I wanted to be honest and tell him how afraid I was on the rush, or how I wasn’t ready as he was about this kind of commitment, maybe we could have found an understanding, I will never know.

Maybe if we had met later in life, it would’ve been better and not end like this. Maybe if we had fallen in love later, much later — after we became good friends, I wouldn’t have lost him forever. Maybe if I was stronger and not so emotionally weak and tested, maybe if I was wiser and older and knew what was right and wrong and be able to say it — he’d still be my life and not an empty hole from my past.

I blame it on timing. I really do. I’ll be dead honest when I say that I’d be lying if there weren’t drops of insecurities and hairs of commitment-phobias, but the timing wasn’t right for the two of us to make those kinds of great decisions at such a young age. I wouldn’t have been able to even drink a toast to wine on my own wedding for crying out loud if I had fallen through and gotten married earlier than planned. But of course, who knows if I’d have ended up happy with three kids on my lap by now as I write on my blog.

Nonetheless, as much as I cared for and loved Zachery with all my heart, having that ounce of doubt and dodging red flags meant something, and I probably still would have made the same decision if I had to relive that moment again. I’ll be honest when I confess that I believe I won’t meet a man like him ever again. He’s indeed very special.

Just wish that timing would have thought so as well.

Apologue #33: Cheaters Always Prosper

This is a story about my ex-boyfriend, Liam. Liam was my boyfriend that I dated on and off for about a year and a half, and a man that I actually asked out, guts and all (check out Apologue #15). Liam was such a gentleman that I couldn’t miss the opportunity of such a fine catch and so did my all in pursuing him. Never in a million years would I have thought that he would be the protagonist of tonight’s tale.

It was Christmas of last year. I had been impatiently waiting on callbacks from my job interviews and had been rampaging around town as a madwoman. I had a feeling that I would be leaving the town I had been residing in and was in high hopes of hearing good news of starting new in an unknown place where no one would know me (I kind of find that mysteriously romantic). With that feeling of leaving town in mind, I had felt bad to Liam, but I wanted to spend my last Christmas with my closest friends.

To explain better, Liam and I had heard wedding bells in the distance and I had figured that he would understand the circumstances considering we would have many more Christmases to come to share together. To me, I felt that this may be the first and last Christmas I would be able to spend with my friends since I’d be moving. Liam, of course, was really upset. We didn’t have anything planned so I thought it would be alright. But Liam was upset nonetheless since Christmastime is all about lovers cuddling by the fire, drinking hot cocoa, and watching holiday classics (he was a gentleman and a romantic!)

I said I was really sorry and that I would make up for it and in the end he said it was alright that I go spend time with my friends for Christmas Eve but Christmas Day, was all his. It was the perfect arrangement. Or so I had thought.

Christmas Eve to me wasn’t even extravagant either with my friends. A friend of mine came over first and we talked and watched, “The Holiday” together while snacking up on candy canes and hot chocolate. We were killing time before we could meet up with his girlfriend that was getting off of work at 11 pm and then going over to the workplace of another friend to exchange gifts and hang out because he was getting off at 11:30 pm. Everywhere else was closed on Christmas Eve, so we just sat in the cold exchanging gifts and just talking until the cold got the best of us. I believe we all respectively got home around 1-ish to call it a night. Absolutely no drinking, no parties, just good quality time with close friends.

Around the same time I was with my friends, my lonesome boyfriend decided to take a stroll of his own to the local supermarket before it would close to stock up on some late night snacks and wine. It was here that he ran into another group of my friends that he’s also good friends with (mutual friends respectively). It was here where he decided to invite them all over to his place to drink the night away. I heard he invited three of our girl friends and two of our guy friends.

They drank and talked till about two in the morning and then all decided to leave for home. It was then, where one of my girl friend’s got really drunk and insisted she didn’t want to go anywhere until she sobered up. Other people from that night have said they could drive her home but she repeatedly insisted she didn’t want to leave her car behind and that she would rather sleep in her car than have someone drop her off. My boyfriend tried to sober her up with water and coffee but she had drunk too much and nothing was working. He said he felt responsible and so insisted he would personally drop her off and thus, left his place with everyone whilst they were all leaving too.

This is where it gets fun. My boyfriend does manage to take her all the way home but my friend refuses to get out of the car. For whatever reason she stated, he listened and then brought her straight back to his place. I still don’t know what their conversation was about but I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore. Anyways, he tried once again to sober her up and then without further ado, decided to just keep her company until she sobers up on her own. Since she wasn’t fit for any conversation, he then laid her down on his bed for her to rest and then was about to head into his living room where he would crash until suddenly she said that she wanted to sleep with him.

Very direct, I know. Without even a second to think of the outcome, they did and she woke up the next morning and told me on Christmas day what had happened and ruined my evening and my holiday. She stated how it was so unlike herself and how guilty she had felt and I genuinely appreciated her honesty. She also told me about how she had secretly had a crush on him for over a year and being friends with him has been very hard on her. And now this. She didn’t know what to do and was asking me for help.

This is where it becomes strange. I’m heartbroken and shocked. But I wasn’t mad at her or upset at her in the least. I could feel her guilt and the pain she had gone through of secretly liking him all this time while I was dating him. I felt how hard it must have been every time she had seen us together and how I talked about him in front of her. I saw signs before but I never acted on them because he was dating me already. I guess I just pushed it away knowing nothing would happen between the two.

Even now when it did happen, I still wasn’t upset at her for what she had done. At least she had the decency to tell me straightaway the very next day. My boyfriend didn’t breathe a word when I met him. After hearing her side of the story and helping her the best way I could, I waited for him to call me for our Christmas dinner plans that I had promised. When he did, he didn’t sound any different, maybe he did but it seemed he was just full of Christmas spirit, nothing dramatically different.

He talked of how he got movies for us to watch all night long, along with a dinner he made himself just for me, and bottles of my favorite moscato to share. I was so cold to him. I was so upset and angry that anger wouldn’t even come out. All I said was that I didn’t want to see him tonight and that I wanted to be alone and he just knew that I had heard everything already. He said he would come right over but I said I wouldn’t dare open the door for him until he was ready to admit everything. I could feel how tense he was on the other side.

We didn’t see each other until three days after the incident. In three days, everything was resolved. To him, me refusing to see him on Christmas was like the severing of the relationship. I guess I would have to agree although we didn’t talk anything through. When I finally met him and we talked, all he said was that he was sorry and how foolish he was. He stated that the alcohol got the best of him which I don’t agree because he’s a strong drinker. Not to mention he was okay enough to drive in the first place and try to help out my friend. To sleep with her was all on him because he made the choice. It’s not like my friend jumped on him, he did out of his own free will. But then, he started saying about how he was going to take responsibility for his actions and be with my friend because there may be chances she could get pregnant since there was no protection involved. He did all the talking and I just sat there.

He never said anything about starting a new relationship with her when he was talking to my friend on what they should do. But he told her he would be by her side and take responsibility of her if anything did happen. She took it knowing whatever they would have together may never last forever. To her, even temporary was enough.

It deeply upsets me when I see these two individually. She — could do much better. Temporary should never be enough, no matter how much you love someone. Knowing a relationship would never last is not going to be blissful. And starting one based off of sex and an affair, will never get you far. He will hurt her someday just like he hurt me.

Him — I want to commend him for his responsibilities from his actions but at the same time, I don’t know how he could be that forward to me in admitting his wrongs and leaving so easily. I will never know if he was unhappy in our relationship or if he had no sexual desires with me. We never got as far as he did with my friend. We had plans of marriage, yes, but did he really love me and cherish me? I will never know.

I still have thoughts wondering if the reason we had never slept together was his act of cherishing me as a woman and waiting until the right time or there was no sexual desire in me as  a woman and thus he never wanted to sleep with me. When we were together, the idea of sex never came up because both of us were never interested in it in the first place. To briefly explain Liam’s character, he’s a nerd that was working on his doctorates with hobbies consisting of painting, photography and cooking. I’m a nerdy gal that does counseling as a living with hobbies of listening and playing music, movie fanaticism and writing. Get the picture?

We’re two nerds in a pod. It took months for us to even get to hold hands! But he suddenly cheats on me by sleeping with one of my best friends? Incredible. I don’t understand how this happened. I feel it’s too out of his personality. Unless I didn’t know him well enough all this time. Imagine what I could have married into . . .

Almost a year has gone by and I’m happy to say that I have not yet run into him or talked to him. But it does still upset me when I think back on what he did to me (and at Christmas of all days!). I love Christmas so much (and that goes beyond the average person, I’m part elf) and he ruined that part of me. It’s only been a year so maybe next year I’ll liven up again, but this year was kept very minimal and not so cheery. Not to forget that this also means they have been dating for almost a year too.

Nothing happened where my friend got pregnant or he cheated on her. They managed to sum up a decent relationship and I hear from time to time, that she is very happy. Good for her, really. But him, seriously? How does he cheat and still manage to get himself a new girlfriend? I will never understand. I’m still alone and miserable just thinking how this all unraveled.

As much as I’m thankful that this happened before we got married, my trust issues and insecurities have drastically heightened just because this came from someone that wasn’t just a boyfriend. My faith in men are squat even though I know better that not all of them are like Liam. It’s just that to find the ones that aren’t, are just that much harder for me now.

Love Quote #5: “Stop being Afraid of what Could go Wrong, and Think of what Could go Right.”

This is an advice I often give to friends but is so hard to apply when it comes to myself. It’s all about the risks you’re afraid to take in case something goes terribly wrong; it’s about surrounding yourself with such sturdy walls that no one can break them down; it’s about choosing to be alone but forever tormented in the idea of a lonely “What If?” With this still in mind, it may give courage to some whilst still fear to others.

To me, the beginning of relationships keep me up on my toes. I’m flirty but guarded, not to mention I’m the Queen of “Hard-to-Get.” I enjoy playing dating games and have gotten the downfall on some because my game is too strong to some folk, which have also hurt me in the process because it makes me feel that no one is up for anything I dish out. These are probably some of the reasons as to why I feel afraid of starting anything new with anyone, because of the fear of rejection or being turned away because he no longer wants to be a part of my games. This also applies to going up the next level in a relationship but afraid to know what changes there may be.

There were times, where I sheepishly can admit, that I stopped liking a guy in retrospect of how our kids could turn out. I know it sounds stupid but when he said he didn’t learn how to walk AND talk until he was almost two and admitted he was slow in the beginning surprisingly freaked me out. That was a no-no no matter how you looked at it but he was indeed a good catch that I let slip between my fingers (and these are the consequences to those “fears” that rule over you that immediately take effect after you start regretting them).

I applied this generally towards relationships but this is something that can totally change gears for your lifestyle as well. It’s all about rooting down and going forward in action to what you believe is rightfully yours. If you get rejected after asking someone out? Fine. AT LEAST, you won’t regret it later wondering if things could have gone better down the road. But what if she or he, says yes? That’s awesome. And you deserved the effort into making it happen.

I feel that in most cases, it’s all how you make of it, but it’s usually a win-win (or at least, my perspective in life is). If you ask someone out and they say yes. Win. If you ask them out and they still say no. It’s still a win. It’s a win because you won’t waste time moping for the next six months trying to STILL read their signals and see if you have a shot or not. Isn’t it better to go with your gut at the right time instead of dragging it longer than it should? It’s really not that good for you at all for things to drag and start to bleed all over you. Trust me, it’s not a good feeling cleaning all that up either.

But in retrospect, I feel that I handle myself well in terms of trying to take my own advice in my own affairs. I don’t listen to my own advice often, and I sure do toss my mind aside but it is best to always listen to what your heart has to say.

So, stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and think, of what could go right.