Apologue #42: One Chance Rule

Before you get hyped up thinking this is another one of those, “Don’t regret it so go get it” speeches or “What if he was the One” scenarios, drop the ball because this is just plain, old me and my own personal dating persona. The “One Chance Rule” is a simple dating rule that I gave myself years ago regarding my choices in men.

Basically it means, no matter who you are and what you do, if you ask me out (and all respectively, like any good gentleman would ask me out) — I give you a chance. But see, here’s the thing, you better impress me real good because all you get is that ONE chance — ONE shot to make it big or go home (and alone).

Now, I don’t go parading this tidbit about myself that I’ll accept any date, but the relief you give the man that bravely came up to you, to ask you out for a simple coffee date, or a lunch/dinner date, and to see that sigh of pure bliss from his face once you say yes, is always a golden treat for him and for you. Look how happy he/she looks! Trust me, you can’t forget it so easily. Besides, what harm can come from an hour or two of getting to know each other better? Not to forget some free munchies if he’s generous too?

Now, to weed out stranger danger, this rule does only apply if you’re in my vicinity of areas that I’m wandering in, say — workplace, school, etc. I do not, and I repeat, DO NOT apply this rule if I have NEVER seen the man in my life. Literally, if you came up to me on the side of the road and randomly asked me out, heck no I’m not saying yes. BUT I will say yes if I don’t know you but we work at the same firm, or had a class together, something like that. You have to be around the comfort of my social pool.

Even with that, I have met my fair share of creepers. But no worries, just turned out to be harmless creepers once you talk it out with your date. It’s really not that bad. Quite a few stories to tell afterwards to your girlfriends too, it’s awesome.

But the point being to my dating rule, I’m not trying to be nice. I’m far from it. But the idea that you never know what could happen between you and the person in front of you, is quite thrilling in the romantic sense. Call me a romantic, but I feel that the best kind of love is always going to be with the person most unexpected, at the most unexpected of times. And one shot, is all I need to figure that out, it really isn’t that hard.

I also have a part of me that truly believes that I could fall in love with anyone. We dream up fantasies of the perfect guy with the perfect hair and abs and smile — but reality isn’t so nice and dreamy that we can date these dreamboats from any corner of any place. That’s why for me, instead of me chasing butterflies and getting my hopes up, I’ll never know what kind of butterflies will come to me if I keep running around and getting winded.

And so you never know. Sometimes, you can have the privilege to see parts of people that no one else ever gets a chance to see and those, could be the exact pinpoints of how you could fall in love with anyone, should you choose to let that chance happen. It’s quite wonderful and remarkable who you can meet and get to know, only by saying a simple, “yes.”

Give it a shot. What do you have to lose?

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Apologue #31: Creepy Coincidences

Have you ever had signs or coincidences that come across your path when it comes to relationships? Or have you gone searching for them in hopes that it leads you to a more positive light in encouraging your decisions? I’m one of those people that don’t bother too much when it comes to coincidences just because I believe it to be more of situations that were bound to happen. I will admit that I look for signs in guidance to my decision-making skills when it comes to the beginning stages of relationships. But today, the encounters that I had this past weekend are boggling my mind in a disturbing way that I feel that I should write them down in hopes of better understanding what just happened. Here’s my story . . .

I had a spur of the moment, spontaneous four day weekend granted to me by surprise from my boss which I took at first chance and went straight to a mini road trip back to my old college town of my undergrad days. It was the perfect trip to make because I had a friend that was going to get married soon that I really wanted to see and congratulate just because I couldn’t make it to their wedding in January. After spending a good amount of the weekend with the couple, I went ahead and had a brunch date with my good friend, Ron.

I’ve talked about Ron before. He’s the sweet friend of mine that doesn’t believe he is fit to be anyone’s “Prince Charming.” To fully understand what’s been bothering me, I’ll do a quick recap of our friendship relationship. Ron and I have only known each other for a good year and a half but we became close pretty instantaneously. We were in the same department back in University plus we have similar personalities. Our friendship is a great one full of spunk, secrets, and even intimacy.

There were many times when people believed we were dating. We are very comfortable with each other and have even jokingly played the “girlfriend and boyfriend” game just because it’s fun and we’re two lonely single people. Many times we would text and call each other “sweetie” or “babe” as a nickname when starting conversations. We didn’t care, it was all for show.

But I will admit that there have been few circumstances where I had my doubts about this kind of friendship we had. It definitely wasn’t friends with benefits but there was also something indifferent between us. Sometimes, these nicknames seemed real and I was confused of how well Ron would treat me. Our phone conversations were usually at least two hours each time. We frequently had dinner and coffee dates. Our shortest date on record was five hours and our longest has been twelve. And we have had moments where we both have felt and said that we didn’t want to leave each other and just talk (and talk is usually what we did.) Surprisingly, he had a lot to say for a man.

Our talks and heart-to-heart conversations were always bound to just the two of us and I trust him with all my heart. We have great emotional intimacy but never had anything physical. Then I moved away because of a new job and he stayed back. Since my move, I have only visited him twice in this first year I’ve been away. Both times great and intimate but of course only lasts a month or so before we crawl back to our daily lives and we don’t talk for months again.

So, back to my original topic of coincidences, I visited him for a brunch date this weekend and was shocked to find news that he started seeing someone. One week to be exact and I congratulated him for it. I was happy for him because he needed someone good in his life, and him dating has definitely cleared up a lot of what has happened between us until I asked what his new girlfriend was like.

It really shocked me to the core when I found that she has the same name as I do, along with the same age, same background and personality, and when he showed me a picture of her, a very similar facial structure. Like I said, I don’t believe in coincidences but this was really creeping me out. I mentioned how similar her and I were and he just laughed saying I was right and I was given nothing more.

Later, as he was talking about the process in the development of their relationship, I started to notice an emotion of despair in his voice. As much as we were similar, she does have characteristics that are of total opposite to myself and he’s been having trouble in those general areas. He shared how there are some cases where he just can’t understand her and that it’s only been just a week since their relationship started but already he’s been thinking too much and having doubts.

I tried my best to listen and give him the advice any friend would give him. I told him that she was now his priority and he must do his job in appreciating her efforts for him and that he should pay attention and also give her the benefit of the doubt. As much as I can see how much he cares for her, I had inklings of feelings that this wasn’t going to last.

He had also mentioned that he had someone else that he had liked before the start of this current relationship and that was the reason it took him so long to go along with this relationship because he didn’t succeed with the other. It made me wonder if that other person was me.

Hearing about how stressed he is hurts me as a friend. Seeing him as a man in a sudden relationship has definitely shocked me as a woman. Was I jealous of this relationship? Did I have an attraction for Ron but never noticed? Or does he look good now because he’s no longer available? These are questions that are roaming inside my head and I can’t honestly answer.

As he was looking at me for advice and pleading for the right answers in what to do, I did give him advice as I normally would have. He also noted that he may frequently call me up or text me more than usual when in dire need. I made a promise to myself that I probably wouldn’t respond unless it was an emergency. I don’t want to be the cause of what could happen if given the wrong advice. It’s better to avoid these situations altogether just in case one part of me becomes tempted to ruin his relationship so I can obtain him for myself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself for being the “other woman.”

Am I going overboard with this? Was it all just a trick of how life is full of surprises? Some people may say these cases are synchronizations. That these kinds of things just happen to revolve around our lives consistently but we just now notice them because we want them to give us a reason in doing something about it. I’m really unsure of everything.

Should I do something about it if I feel that I need to? Should I make some changes and take some chances?

Love Quote #2: “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to take.”

Don't Regret Regret

The full quote is: “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who doesn’t, who never did and who always will. So don’t worry about the people in your past, there’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future.”

We all have a handful of regrets in our lives that we can never change. It could be anything from fighting to make a broken relationship work to walking out on someone. We make these choices every day and sometimes, I feel that we all make rash decisions without thinking a little bit more on whether we’re going to regret this in the long haul.

One of my biggest regrets when it comes down to just past relationships is not taking any risks. Now that I’m older, I no longer have the privilege to screw up or take as many chances compared to when I was younger. I was always careful, like stepping on eggshells, when it came to dating. I don’t know why. It may have been because I had too many friends that would blow up something great or ruin what they had by getting their girlfriends pregnant. I don’t know, but these kind of influences kind of stick to you as you venture on your own relationships. Too many times I said no to something that could have been great. Too many times I played it low to be safe and not get hurt. But when I look back at it all, I understand why I’m now willing to take risks and why I dated the people that I did.

For the most part, I’ve always dated older. I couldn’t stand the immaturity of my peers and have always wanted something more classy and sophisticated. Easy for me, not because I’m a looker but the older always want younger people to date because it reminds them what it’s like to have fun and be careless. Strangely enough, all my past relationships weren’t exactly “fun” and now I wonder why they put up with me if I’m no fun. That’s another rambling that I should do for next time. Anywho, having only known relationships that were more of candlelight dinners with veal instead of hamburgers and a cheesy movie, I missed all the fun. Which is probably why I want the fun back in my relationship lifestyle. But the perks of dating older is that no matter how bad the break-up, the clean-up isn’t so dramatic.

But the more I think about it as I’m writing this, I’m sure if I kept looking, I could have found someone that could just have been mature and more close to my age that was still fun to be with and yet not have so much drama. I don’t know why I thought only one way was the right way. I don’t regret dating the people that I have met but I sure do have stories of what I encountered that most won’t have to for a very long time. When my friends were talking about double dates at Applebee’s and going on camping trips, I was analyzing Hemingway and having debates about social deviance. It was indeed insightful and interesting but we had different passions of romanticizing compared to others my age.

Now, as ripe as I can be in my twenties, I am not only looking for someone I can look up to but someone I can also hang loose and have fun with. I want the fruits of both worlds. And why shouldn’t I? It’s not like I can only have one over the other. To think that only having a mature companion will solve all your worldly problems is just as unwise as thinking that only having a fun partner will give you nothing but laughs for the rest of your life. Just at looking at myself, I can be such a party-pooper and prefer sitting alone at home reading on a Friday night but I can also play video games and watch Adventure Time for two days straight and have my brain turned to mush but at least I’m having fun.

So I’m writing this in hopes that I’ll be able to fix my habits of not taking any chances and sometimes going for it just for the heck of it. I’ll try and be more loose and not so reserved but also know how to pick them not because they “seem like someone I can be with” but “someone I want to be with.” And those people that I didn’t take chances with, are definitely the people I think most about.