Apologue #51: LDR

Sorry for my lack of creativity lately. I’ve been struggling with writer’s block these past couple weeks and I don’t know how to shake it off. It’s funny how it happens. I have so much I still have to say but the words don’t come. It’s as if my fingers are disconnected from my brain waves and can’t pick up any signals. It’s the funniest thing and I’m trying hard to get back on track (so, I’m apologizing now in case this apologue is written really horribly). My humblest apologies.

Not only have I had been struck with writer’s block but I have also been bitten by the love bug. And it sure is a nasty bite I would love to share. For my daily readers, it’s someone you already know. I’ve started having a fancy towards my good friend, Ron. But it’s been rough between him and I this past month where this all started.

It actually happened very nonchalantly as old friends would be when it comes to reconnecting. One phone call from him and we were chatting nonstop like teeny boppers yammering about the N’Sync concert (I guess, it’s all about One Direction now, sorry for reminiscing back to the 90’s).

Countless after countless hours of phone conversations, texts, and skyping — my old ticker started pumping once again and I’m sprouting shocking pink hearts of lovey-doveyness at any mention of Ron. It’s hilarious and sad altogether. But it’s definitely also been rough. With working on my end and him being a grad student, our schedules are definitely top notch hard to match. Hence we actually text more than we actually can talk and save our weekends to rewind and binge-talk for hours. It’s not a bad start but having a six hour driving distance is definitely rough too since we really don’t have a chance to drive to each other.

Being the emotional girl that I am, I’m pretty dead set on how my feelings are for him but I have the feeling he’s still in the gray area of things. I know that he likes me, and I know he loves talking to me (and you know how men are on the phone, they do not like talking more than 10 seconds tops), and he definitely makes the time and effort to be there for me, even if it’s only verbal so I guess it’s enough emotional support for now.

But he’s really thinking hard if this LDR (Long Distance Relationship) is good for the both of us. I’ve done it and it’s rough, I won’t lie. He has never had any experience here so I can tell he’s scared even though he hasn’t told me. And I wish there was still some way I could reassure him but let’s be honest, no relationship can be steady and stable without a sturdy trust foundation — and this kind of trust is different in a couple from a friend, and I feel this is where he’s having a lot of trouble.

I honestly can say that I can trust him enough that he won’t cheat or do anything bad while he is apart from me, but I don’t trust the people and the environment he is in, and that does lead to small doubts that there may still always be a chance he could do something wrong. Same goes for me as well. That whole, “out of sight, out of mind” is not a lie.

It’s so difficult and hard to handle how we like each other but we both can’t take a step forward in making this work in fear we would hurt each other (even in the smallest of things). If only one person out of the two of us had the fear and the other was more aggressive to make this work, it would be better. But sadly, we both share similar personalities and characteristics, and we think way too much and end up at a standstill in limbo.

What is the best solution to this problem? Should we back off from each other until our situations become better? Should we still pursue one another no matter what because we both share feelings, no matter the outcome of good or bad? Or do we just talk for hours together FOREVER? Is LDR a lost form of love and shouldn’t be tampered with? These questions and more are cluttering every crevice of my mind and it’s literally driving me crazy (even though I seem perfectly normal and at ease on the outside).


The Most Beautiful Thing


The best and most beautiful things in the world

cannot be seen, heard, or even touched,

they must be felt with the heart.

— Helen Keller

Apologue #34: Something Yours Became Something Mine

I ran across a piece of poetry that caught my attention a few days ago that I would like to share here today. It caught my eye solely because how I was already in tune with the author’s feelings and thus, I was even able to add a little bit of myself at the end. It’s not the best form of poetry that will leave you thinking, but it is the kind of poetry that is simple and direct, and enough for you to feel.

The truth is
I stopped talking to you,
not because I don’t like you anymore
but because I thought I was annoying you.

And I’m just waiting for you
to say that you miss me
because I miss you everyday,
every hour, every minute, every second
and it hurts.

These next two parts are all me. I’m not a poet but just wanted to input a little bit of what I do as I’m waiting.

No matter how many times I look down at my phone
just to see if you called —
No. Even a simple text
but to see nothing makes me lose bits of hope every single day.

I don’t know how and why I keep trying knowing already
that you will never be the one to call me back.
But I keep waiting in hopes that I really had some significance
in your life just as much as you did
to mine.

It’s a frustrating and belittling feeling, I know. We’ve all been here once or twice. I’m currently going through this right now with one of my friends. We don’t have a romantic relationship but the same rules apply where I’m waiting and constantly waiting more for him to call back or even shoot me a simple text, but I get nothing back.

I used to text him first all the time because that’s what we do, we text insanely with each other because talking on the phone is awkward for us. But when he suddenly stopped replying, and I didn’t know the reasons why, it felt just as heartbreaking and undeniably cold as when a lover starts ignoring you.

Mostly the reasons to why I text him so often was because I miss him. He’s my best friend. I haven’t talked to him in months now and we used to talk via text almost every single day. See how significant his presence may be now that he’s not there anymore?

A couple of weeks ago, I finally mustered up the courage and texted him a long message to not understanding why we’ve grown apart and if there was anything that I did wrong, that I apologize for it. I noted that I missed him and that it would be great to talk out whatever is wrong so we can fix this. That he’s family and I don’t want to lose him.

Still nothing. I texted him often because I miss him and think about him all the time. I’m partly waiting to see if he thinks of me and longs for me too but it seems like our friendship wasn’t as strong as I had thought it was. And that truth, is very heart-wrenching.

Apologue #27: My Best Friend’s Wedding

As I write this post I want to be able to look back and always remember this moment, this thought, this feeling in my life . . .

Today is the second wedding anniversary of my best friend (my previous apologue was the MOH speech I gave at her wedding). And as I reminisce back to their wedding, I have too many emotions that I don’t want to forget that I feel I must write it all down.

I pretty much cried the whole night at my best friend’s wedding. It wasn’t because I was jealous, envious, or sad that I’m losing her. It was more of happiness, hope, and true love that they shared that got me so overwhelmed and sentimental.

These feelings didn’t hit me at all the night of the rehearsal dinner, or the morning of when we were doing our hair and make-up, not even when we got to the church before the ceremony.

It didn’t even hit me once while I was walking down the aisle to my designated spot (maybe because I had to concentrate on my smiling). It hit me, when the doors of the sanctuary opened wide and she was walking down the aisle to me. THAT was when everything hit me to the pit of my stomach and then it felt like my heart was going to burst because I couldn’t get in enough air. Is this what happens when you hyperventilate? I don’t know what it was but it hit me from my gut to my heart and went straight to my eyes because that’s when the tears just started to flow.

It was ridiculous because I was trying to smile at her. But my stupid tears got in the way and I couldn’t focus on her properly and I wanted nothing more but to remember this moment forever. It was an odd sort of feeling that I can’t describe into words. I’ve seen her in her dress millions of times. I was there with her at the shop, I was there when she tried it on, I was there for her bridal portraits and I was there for every moment and every detail when it came to fulfilling my duties as her Maid of Honor. But all those moments must not have registered in my mind because she’s coming down the aisle with the dress I saw on her with the same hair and make-up and smile and the real deal doesn’t cut close to all those other moments. And I knew the minute we locked eyes, that it hit her too because as she was coming closer and closer, there were tears in her eyes and she was mouthing to me and panicking, “OMIGOSH, help me to stop crying!” I can’t help but laugh at this moment. I just smiled at her and mouthed back that it’s all okay and that she still looks beautiful.

I got teary again once we all got up on the altar and she was exchanging her vows. And got teary once again, when she was finally announced a married lady. These really were tears of joy and happiness and they wouldn’t stop pouring.

But it’s alright, because it wasn’t only me that was getting emotional. I saw both the mothers and fathers of the groom and bride get teary too. As well as sisters and brothers, friends and other family members too. This couple really had much blessings from high above.

Everyone was fine again until we moved to the reception and it was the first dance of the newlyweds and everyone welled up again. Bridesmaids were looking at each other and screaming (mouthing) that we should all stop crying. We just couldn’t help it as they were dancing to their song and the groom was singing the lyrics to the bride as they were dancing and I swear, at that moment, even my own heart skipped a beat.

“Butterfly Kisses” was played for the Father and Daughter dance and it was no surprise the waterworks were spewing everywhere across the room. The father (took it like a man) and showed his own tears in front of his daughter and it was a beautiful moment where everyone watched with bated breath.

Thankfully, when it was the groom’s turn for his dance with his mother, the mood was quickly changed and everyone was delighted and followed suit with rosed spirits and the party became more lively. Everyone had such a splendid time dancing the night away until we were all rushed out the doors to send off the lovely couple in their sparkler runway to hit the road towards their honeymoon. As I was waving my sparkler, the bride turned back and waved her hand and when she found me in the crowd, smiled and said, “I love you” and then was off into the night.

Is it always this emotional at best friend’s weddings? My goodness, I’ve NEVER cried at weddings before and this was definitely the first that I had such unstoppable waterworks. I don’t know if I have the heart to continue for all my other best friends. Sorry, folks!

I feel I need a good couple of years to recover. But in all honestly, it couldn’t have been more perfect and it was indeed, a glorious night. It’s been two years exactly and I still can feel all the moments as if it happened earlier today. Just thinking about it, makes me absolutely teary all over again  . . .

Apologue #26: My MOH Speech

I made this particular MOH speech for my best friend about two years ago at her wedding. It was my first speech as a MOH and I feel that I did a good job weaving in our story as I was also blessing the couple. I had this written down on paper for the longest time and now it’s all crumpled and hard to read from wear and tear, folding and unfolding repeatedly. Before I can no longer read what I wrote or remember what I said, my blog can be the perfect place to write it down so I can always remember.

The couple’s two year anniversary is actually coming up and I also got to spend some time with them over the Thanksgiving holidays, which brought me back to the moment of their wedding and what they both mean to me. Seeing them happy together is the best any friend can wish for and so, I’m happy to share this moment in word.

“I have known Nicole for eighteen years . . . eighteen years and still counting! And over those eighteen years, never would I have thought, that we would be this close and to have come so far in our journey together. We have been in each other’s lives for as long as I can remember. We have been through thick and thin, good times and the bad, sympathy and sorrow, laughter and the love.

From scraping our knees at the jungle gym and all the way to first boyfriends, broken hearts, sadness and regrets; we have fought through them all and stayed strong with each other. Even when we were no longer in the same place, our friendship and our bond of love that we have for one another is so strong that no matter what, we were able to maintain our friendship and keep that bond from ever severing.

My friendship with her is truly one of the most cherish-able and treasured assets that I have in my life, and I say this now in hopes that if she didn’t know, she knows it now . . .

Nicole, you have always been my friend, my sister, and my person.

Now, Bill, I have only known for a short period of time . . . I’d say about two and a half years going on to three years.

Surprisingly, I have never told Nicole about this because I knew that one day, this day would come where I would get a chance to confess of how I had already known that Bill was the perfect person for her.

To be honest, I knew it the very first day that I had met Bill . . .  We had just finished a game of Scrabble (it’s Nicole’s and my favorite board game) and Nicole had just left the room. It was right then when Bill turned to me and said these words that I could never ever forget . . .

He said to me, ‘Love. Thank you so much for being Nicole’s friend. Thank you for caring for her and loving her, long before I came along. I just wanted you to know how thankful I am.’

And those words hit me strong and hard; that he was truly the one person that God has blessed my friend to be with forever and I just knew instantly, that I couldn’t be wrong.

Bill, now it’s my turn to thank you for loving and caring for my sweet girl. I know deeply in my heart that you love her very much and I can truly see how happy she is for you being a great part in her life.

Everywhere that I look and from everyone that I meet, I can tell how this couple is truly blessed. Everyone genuinely loves this couple and I can see great things in toll for the future of these two people and I know, that God will bless them with much grace and love.

I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, than to be here today, to bless these two and to see them embark on a wonderful new journey together as one under God.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as we lift our glasses, cheers to the happy couple! I love you both!”

— My Maid of Honor Speech to the Happy Couple on December 3, 2011

Apologue #16: The Seven New Basic Relationships of Today

I actually found this interesting post a couple days back (I wish I would have saved the post) that I found amusing yet satisfyingly true to today’s standards of dating compared to dating back in our grandparent’s time or even further than that. It’s sad because it’s true and it’s funny because I actually have experiences in each category. Which by the way, makes me very wary of what will happen in the dating world years after my time and my children or grandchildren will be dating and how many rules and relationship standards will change in their time. But alas, that’s for future me to worry about so let’s roll down to these “Seven Basic Relationships.”

1. The “I like him, he likes her” Relationship.
When the person you love is in love with someone else.

Ouch, yes. This one is a whammy that always hurts. It’s a classic relationship that is equally understandable in all time aspects so I’m glad it’s the first one. With my experience, I feel that I’ve had this happen quite a several times. It’s not something you want to admit or think often about but it happens often because no one can constantly be in love with just, you. This happened a few times with my friend Harry (check back to Apologue #6). As much as we had moments that only we share, Harry has also had one other woman on his other side (which is also who is seeing currently). When timing was against us, he always had his lady friend. When he was away from his lady friend and wanted to pursue me, I always had someone else. We did this back and forth for so many years that I’ve lost count. But we’ve officially haven’t pursued one another in the past four years, so I feel safe so say that we’re both in a place where we belong. This kind of relationship really conflicts with your emotions and it’s something that I personally feel is a waste of your time and shouldn’t linger no matter how much you like your significant other. If they are looking towards someone else and their feelings are true to that matter, than there really is no point trying to block them or make them see your way. Now, having that said, isn’t it odd to want to make someone like you back instead of their own accord? I personally don’t know how happy I would be with someone who made me like them and start a relationship . . . So my advice is it’s better to give up and go look for someone else, and maybe the second time around, they may be available.

2. The “Everyone knows, except them” Relationship.
When two people act like they are together, even though they do not admit it, they still show it.

Oh boo to this too. I may sound like such a downer but it’s true that I don’t like to waste my time (even when I do waste it a lot on other things so easily — at least on things and people that I believe deserve my time). When it comes to these kinds of arrangements, I know it’s a very delicate subject because you’re both trying to figure what what’s going on, but if “everyone” knows, then I’m sure your significant other does too (aka people talk). Whether they’re aren’t asking you out because they’re trying to figure out how to do it or they’re just testing the waters to see compatibility, it doesn’t matter no matter how well they show you what you mean to them until they’re actually telling you how they feel about you. You can act a couple all you want, but it’s not official unless somebody starts talking and straightening things out or it’ll just get messier and harder for you to get out of.

I had a friend that was exactly like this. Theodore and I met in college and have been inseparable friends all the way til graduation. We always hung out together, had dinners together, we’re always on the phone together; people thought we were joined at the hip. He always treated me right and I really thought we had something going on and so started prying around to see if his feelings towards me were true. Sadly, it was literally like he had no effing clue what he was doing. People everywhere thought we’ve already started dating but he had no idea that the actions and words he was saying were really things that people in relationships would do or say. Turns out that Theo has never had a girlfriend and so everything he does was all out of generosity and his mother’s upbringing of him being a good gentleman. It was really tough for me because I thought (and so did everyone else) we could have something real. We carried on like this for almost two years thinking that maybe he’ll snap out of his stupidity and ask me out on a real date. It’s a very sad thing indeed that even to this day, he still has no clue how much he “led me on” with his good-natured gentlemanly ways.

3. The “Love/Hate” Relationship.
When two people fight or argue to make others think they do not have feelings for each other.
I feel that this one is a bit tricky. I don’t know if you’re purposely arguing in front of others to prove you don’t have anything when clearly you do, or you can’t help but argue because of difference in views but still love each other. Either way, both relationships do exist. I’ll pick the latter because that’s the one I have experience with.

Richard was sophisticated and a man strong with his words. He definitely had an indifferent sense of humor and enjoyed reading Poe by candlelight and red wine because that’s what all Poe enthusiasts should do. He was proper but loved taboo. Many nights we would sit arguing over different debate topics and every night, he’d pretty much had me whipped. I didn’t like how his views were so strong and so one-sided but I loved the man that he was, not what of he argued. Our views on religion, politics, literature ALL clashes, but it was our differences that intrigued both of us and probably the cause of what drew us together in the first place. I learned a great deal from Richard. He is one of the few I would never forget.

4. The “Friend Zone” Relationship.
When the person you love only sees you as a close friend.
I feel that I hear this everywhere I go. It’s always talk of the “friend zone” or “I love my best friend.” I have seen and heard some pretty harsh ones out there and sadly, not only is it pitiful if you are the one with the feelings but very manipulate if you are the other that has no feelings. Usually the stories that I hear most when it comes to the “friend zone” are really horrible, I don’t think I’ve ever heard one that was decent and worth thinking over to help the poor guy or gal. The things of horror that I hear about how they bought them an iPod, or a ring, or a car and they STILL haven’t blinked an eye, makes absolutely no sense. It’s makes no sense because it’s BS. Simple as that. It just makes me so sad to hear friends having sacrificed so much for the person they care so deeply about, and the receiver does nothing but willingly takes everything given to them. I really don’t know how some people can just do that as if that is to be expected to have feelings for you. I apologize if I overstepped on some toes, but if you have a story about your friend zone that wasn’t manipulative and sacrificial, please share some with me because I have heard no good stories that have come through and I need more enlightenment.

5. The “Just Kidding” Relationship.
When two people keep breaking up and getting back together.
As ridiculous as this sounds, yes, this one has happened to me too. And just to save the torment of numerous long stories, we got back together twice (so in my defense, it wasn’t all that bad). But you know, these kinds of relationships are really a joke. You can yammer at me all you want, but let me tell you something from my end of the experience in these situations — it doesn’t mean you love them or he loves you and keeps coming back. What this does mean is that a person can change but not as fast or as something you want them to, so you end it and leave but keep coming back and give them too many chances to false hopes and promises the other end can’t keep. It’s relationships that have nothing good in store for you and it’s definitely something you shouldn’t keep coming back for. I know it’s hard because you want to keep your faith in them to change, but seriously, once is enough. If they can’t get their act straight after one chance, there really is no point giving them extra chances for something that can’t be fixed to them if they don’t think it’s broken. End of story.

6. The “Best Friend” Relationship.
When a boy and a girl are just friends, but at one point, they fall in love with each other.
This scenario pretty much sums up most of my relationships. I don’t date strangers that I just met at the mall (STRANGER DANGER!) or go on random drinking soirees with someone I met at a bar. Call me old-fashioned but I like taking steps in getting to know someone, bonding friendships, and then seeing something more and then perhaps dating relations. It’s hard for me to date someone I know nothing of (not that I haven’t dated anyone besides friends), it’s just that I get nervous to find out if they are ax murderers or dungeon masters. So when it comes to the “Best Friend” Relationship, I feel that this is the best bet on most people. We all have someone that is our closest buds that we just can’t live without. You know, that special someone that you dragged every clothing store to, told all your dirty secrets, and knows that you startle yourself to the sound of your own fart when you’re napping but assures you it was them and you still fall asleep (SO did not happen). But you know who I mean, and they are the best. If everything works out perfect and you can be with them forever, I’m so happy for you and I wish you nothing but the best. Because that’s what I’m still looking for. If you’re out there and still looking for this like me, don’t give up because there’s more of us out there than you think, so don’t lose faith.

7. Lastly, the “If You’re Lucky” Relationship.
When the person you fall in love with, falls in love with you
At times we do rely on luck to get us by and boy don’t we ever rely a lot on that when it comes to the beginning stages of relationships! When it comes to my puppy love, I believe that Peter was a very big blessing in my life. He really did bring me a lot of luck. We shared many wonderful experiences together and most of them were our first of everything. We shared our first date, our first hand-holding, our first kiss — and when I look back at these lucky moments, luck really played a big part because I feel that it’s so hard to meet someone and both fall in love with at the same time. I think love is such a miraculous and powerful thing. It doesn’t come easy and it certainly does not happen as often as it should. To us it all sounded easy because we were nothing but young teens at this time (Peter is the protagonist of Apologue #1) but as I grow older and wiser with the knowledge of heartfelt emotion, it was really miraculous how we had that one summer of fairy tale-like love that sprouted on us like dandelions even though it is true that it ended like the gusts of wind that blew the seed heads away.

After reading through each category and adding a little bit of myself as well, I feel that I too, fall under these new relationships that are encircling us in this time. As much as I thought I was traditional and classical, one can’t really fall out of the time they live in no matter how different their views. As much as I scoffed and thought these relationships were silly, I took part in all of them. I feel that there are more out there in the making or some that didn’t make the list. Already I can think of some on the top of my head and it’s The “I love him but he doesn’t know I exist” Relationship or The “I’m in love with a fictional character” Relationship (which by the way, I also have experience with aha). But you know, it really doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you are in because the only thing that matters most is who you are in love with now. It can be your friend, your neighbor, your brother’s friend — I don’t care — but as long as you’re true to your feelings and you’re working hard to make it work for the person you care about, there’s nothing else that should matter more. Good luck!

Apologue #11: Heart-Mate

When it comes down to believing in soul-mates, I’m not an affirmative believer on just one soul-mate. I believe that there are many people that can touch our lives and souls and can be a soul-mate. It could be a parent, a best friend, and even a lover. When I was younger, I used to believe in fate and destiny and counting down the days until I too, can finally meet my soul-mate who will be with me forever. As I’ve gotten older and coming face-to-face with the harsh realities of the dating game, my thoughts on the love that connects to the soul-mate has indefinitely been severed. Don’t get me wrong, I still do believe, it’s just that I believe it to be more of different forms of love, not just romantic.

I have few friends that I believe to be are my soul-mates. Friends that have been with me through thick and thin. Friends that know of my deepest and darkest secrets. Friends that will never judge me and friends that will never leave me no matter what the circumstances. I have come to meet more people that love me and protect me that are soul-mates bonded by friendship than that of soul-mates bonded by love. Ironic how that worked out. Maybe that’s why they’re called soul-mates. Maybe it’s named after the people that not just touch our souls but help us to live life the way we should when we deter and fall off the road. Maybe it’s the people that give us hope when we lose our own.

I received an e-mail from a dear friend of mine a few days ago. She’s one of those people that have many names in your life. She’s a friend, a past co-worker, a soul-mate, a second mother – she’s everything good wrapped up into one package. Danielle just turned 65 and is just the sweetest person you’d ever meet, and she mentioned a word that stuck on me the minute I read it. Heart-Mate. She used that word about her husband that’s she’s been happily married to for forty years or so and I really like how she describes her special someone. She was telling me that it’s not just the soul that has to connect but the heart first before anything else can be achieved. That’s why she believes that a Heart-Mate is so special and hard to find because not everyone that you fall in love with can really understand who you are and what you’re made to do. She also believes it’s very rare because we normally don’t open our hearts to generally every person that comes our way during the dating game. We protect our hearts and keep it heavily guarded that sometimes, we believe that we did open the gates, flooding our emotions into relationships but the truth is, we rarely do anymore because we’re afraid of getting hurt and emotionally-scarred. I do admit that my heart is heavily guarded and well-protected, not any man – no matter how persistent – will easily be able to break down my walls. Which I can understand better of it being rare and extra special when the right person comes along. Danielle is very lucky to have found her Heart-Mate in literally “love at first sight.” She told me one time, how the minute she saw her husband, she just knew he was the one for her. Not all of us are just that privileged. Maybe times were simpler back then.

Whatever the case, the word has stuck on and I’m going on a hunt for it. Maybe this is the reason why I don’t believe in the romantic-sense of soul-mates. I’m sure that others can argue that a Heart-Mate couldn’t be any different, but for now, I need a little hope and something to believe in so maybe a little bit of more dreaming wouldn’t hurt me so much.

Where are you, my Heart-Mate?

Apologue #6: We’re Just . . . Friends

I think this topic has a soft spot in all of us. I, myself, don’t have a very secure stance when it comes to “can men and women really just be friends.” It’s a touchy subject because I feel, and in all honesty, I haven’t had a male friend who just stayed as a friend from start to finish. I will say that I do have male friends where I haven’t had feelings for them but I can’t guarantee that they felt the same otherwise and also vice versa. I can’t help but feel neutral because I want to say that I truly believe there are people who can be “just friends” but I can’t back it up a 100% just from my accord. I used to be one of those people that would argue and say, “Of course we’re friends! Why can’t we be?” But the older I got, I’ve come to the realization that my thoughts on this have slowly changed. When I was younger (say, middle school and high school, perhaps) I believed strongly that we could be friends. But with college and now after, I don’t think we can indefinitely be just friends because you start looking for potential dates and marriage candidates from your friends since they make the best relationships. No one knows you and understands you better than your friends. And let’s be honest, after college, the dating field decreases at a very fast and insignificant level. College really is a marriage institution and if you’re like me that missed out, it only gets harder from here.  Which is probably why the stability of friendships shorten as well since you have no where else to turn to for a decent relationship.

I used to have no problem hanging with the guys and not have any kind of crush or drama happen back when I was younger. Now, I subconsciously start measuring out random qualities that I see from my friends when something catches my eye that I didn’t see before. I think that we can be friends up to a certain point in our lives, and then at some miraculous level where we see something different, we end up falling for each other because of those interesting tidbits that intrigue us to dive deeper into the person. But with friendship also comes risks of messing up the said “friendship,” the timing can always be off because technically, you didn’t start the friendship to have a relationship, and sometimes if you’re lucky it’ll work out and sometimes we’re unlucky and it’s never going to be the same, ever again.

I have (notice it’s not “had”) this great friend that I’ve known since the second grade. For the purpose of confidentiality, let’s call my friend, Harry. Harry and I have been inseparable since our elementary school years and I can literally say that this friend has stuck by me through thick and thin. Harry is not only my best bud but he’s like my brother, my father, and my lover. I grew up having a truck full of bullies in my younger days because I wasn’t very sociable but Harry fended for me and protected me all the way through high school like any older brother. He was like my father when I needed any kind of advice and I had no one to talk to; he always had the time to lend a ear no matter what time of day or night. And he was like my lover when I needed a date to Homecoming or a shoulder to cry on about other . . . ahem, boyfriends. He had the kindest heart, the warmest hugs, and the softest lips. Harry was such the sweetheart and I knew it. I used to tell it to him all the time. And it didn’t once cross our minds to be serious with what’s in front of us, which was that we were both single and both looking just not looking at each other. The main reason, as always, was the timing. It was always too off for the both of us. It was the usual, “he liked me but I didn’t like him and when I liked him, he didn’t like me” scenario point by point. It wasn’t too hard to figure out.

Up until after high school, our little “drama” was just puppy love and nothing too serious so we both never cared much about it. We both knew that we’d always had crushes on each other here and there but nothing to where we would sit down and talk about it. It wasn’t until maybe my freshman or sophomore year in college where Harry had a little help from our good friend, Jose Cuervo, that he called and flatly asked if we had any future together. This really caught me off guard because up until all this time, it was just good fun and games. Even when we dated for about three months back in our senior year of high school, we never took anything so seriously, so why now? I asked him what came over him so suddenly. He replied by stating that we indeed have something special and definitely something we won’t be able to find elsewhere. We have history and a story to tell our grandchildren, about how he fell in love to the shy girl with the ponytail and floral shorts and tie-dyed t-shirts. How he forgot and fell in love again to the thirteen year old girl that was subconscious about her looks and acne-bombed face but still looked radiant because of the smile on her face. How he forgot again and fell in love with the sixteen year old heartbroken girl that worries she’ll never fall in love with the perfect guy again and isn’t afraid to bawl it out to let it all pass. And now, that we’re both older and wiser, and getting ready to embark on a new journey towards adulthood, wouldn’t want to go alone but together because it’ll be the best damned thing that will ever happen to the both of us.

After hearing that, I was terrified. This is the part where most girls would probably say yes and have their happily ever after. But to me, this was the part where I lay confused and awake for nights trying to figure out how he was so sure and how I wasn’t. He was willing to risk our friendship of thirteen or so years to fight for his happiness and wasn’t afraid of what he might lose if I had said no, but I STILL wasn’t sure because I was more terrified of losing him because I’m already halfway to saying no than saying yes. I was at a bypass. I know that a part of me wanted so much for this to happen but the logical part of me was stopping me for being rash. What if it works out? Sure you’ll be happy and would probably have a great relationship and even possible marriage. But what if it stops at relationship before marriage and everything breaks? Not only is the relationship gone but the friendship is gone with it. Why wouldn’t I be terrified? This is the problem of being a girl. We’re too calculating and we foresee too much into the future to make sure we don’t get hurt in the long run.

But the main thing is, I said no. And I have regretted it ever since I said it. The minute I actually said no, it all felt so wrong. Never in my life did I know at that moment I should have said yes, but it was too late. I couldn’t take it back. I already hurt his feelings and things weren’t the same for a good year and half after that. We didn’t speak to each other and we didn’t do anything to contact one another. In the end, he called me back first and we slowly rekindled our friendship. We had too much history to let it all disappear over one night of disagreement. Sure, our friendship wasn’t the same from before but I can happily say it has gotten stronger because of what we went through together. We had overcome and embarked another new chapter in our lives and we still care and love each other to this day.

Since then, Harry has been in a strong and long relationship with a friend from high school. He isn’t quite happy because he’s been wanting to marry since we graduated from high school yet he’s still a bachelor. He currently shares a home with his girlfriend and is waiting for the right time to propose but I personally don’t see it happening because she isn’t interested in marriage. When I hear and see these painful times that Harry has to go through, I sometimes wonder if I would have ended his misery or worse yet, maybe I would have been the very woman that is making him go through these hardships. I still care for and love him very deeply. Sometimes, from time to time, I’ll be honest but the feelings for him come back. But I don’t want to be the “other woman.” I would never do that to another woman. So, I genuinely wish they would get married soon just so I can finally be at peace with that part in my heart because Harry will always be my brother, my father, my boyfriend.

Apologue #1: First Kiss

First kisses are always ever so wonderful. Your first kiss ever, your first kiss with your somebody special, your first kiss with someone unexpected… When I think about first kisses I get all soft and woozy with tingling sensations spreading throughout my fingers and eventually my whole body. It’s definitely a happy thought but can be adrenaline pumping for some (like myself, who lack exercise so I get endorphins from daydreaming).

My first kiss ever was definitely unexpected considering it came from my very close, best friend. We’re not exactly cradle to the grave but indeed close to it. People have been calling us twins since we can both remember. We have people expecting us to get married so they can write books about us. It’s a very intriguing and quirky relationship we share that I can’t think of a better place to share it but here.

I remember my friend going back to the age of four years old. We may have been friends even before then but four is definitely where I can remember most through my own memories. I remember how we were constantly together and never apart. Our parents created play dates for us almost every weekend. We played everything from pretending we were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to House. We were never embarrassed to be with one another and we didn’t care if it was just us two or with everyone else whenever we would meet at Sunday School or other play dates.

The quirky thing (and believe me when I say “quirky,” it’s not just one of my favorite vocabulary words) about us is that people would really think we were actual twins in real life. Not only did we share the same last name but we were the same age (my friend being only a month older than myself), exact same height and similar body features (even today twenty years later), similar hobbies and even character (only differentiated by intensity but otherwise exactly identical). Our parents share similar qualities in character and personality as well hence the reason why they are friends and thus we became friends. My friend has a younger sister and a younger brother ten years younger than him whereas I have a younger sister that is ten years younger than myself but with the same name as his sister. None of these were of course, intentional but that’s just how similar we have become to be. The craziest part of our similarities within already crazy similarities is that, I moved away to a different state at the age of five and we grew up in exact likeliness of each other even when we grew up millions of miles apart from each other.

Now, technology back then in the 90’s wasn’t as easy as today. We were in elementary school for goodness sake’s with no form of stable internet connection in our private homes where we could chat or skype one another and telephone rates to call long distance was definitely not any easier. We definitely did not have any form of contact for ten years we were apart until we had our small reunion with our families when we were both in high school, and needless can I say that we were both appalled and shocked to what we discovered.

My friend and I shared similar music tastes, we both learned and performed the exact same instruments (plural!), we both shared the same fears, and we both knew instantaneously that what we have is definitely special and one-of-a-kind that can’t ever be broken. As we were reconnecting over what we missed from each other for over the past decade, I can honestly say that we both knew something has kindled in our hearts. This attraction was too much and too difficult to express to put into mere words. We both struck gold in finding something that we felt missing but didn’t know what…

Moving forward to our first kiss apart from all my silly nostalgic ramblings is that we both shared our first kiss ever with one another. It was indeed more than perfect. Both our parents were out enjoying the night on the town and took all our siblings with them. To this day, I still have yet to find out how our parents were both so trusting or conniving about leaving two teenagers alone in the house for a whole night. It is true that both our fathers want us to wed but starting off at fifteen is a definite risk. I never want to ask for fear of the truth.

Anyhow, being two nerds that we were with interests being nothing but music and reading, we goofed around in the living room and started playing duels on the piano. It was pretty much like Iron Chef America but battling with what we learned on the piano. It was intense and so much fun. This is actually a personal fantasy that I would like to recreate some day. We played for what seemed like hours until we both got so tired and ran out of songs to play that in the end I just started playing the harmony part of Pachelbel’s Canon. I shouldn’t even be surprised anymore by now but my friend started playing the melody and before we knew it –  the music was meshing together in harmonious melody, the sunlight was beaming and bringing the whole room into a warm, pink glow; we were laughing with twinkles in our eyes and it was the perfect time like no other. My friend leaned in close and we shared our first kiss. A soft and delicate kiss whilst our fingers had memorized the keys and were still in tune with playing Pachelbel’s Canon. If we ever do get married, that is definitely our Wedding March. I don’t care if others think it cliche considering everyone and their mother always has Canon at their wedding. To us, it actually has great significance.

After our reunion that lasted about a good week and a half, my family and I went back home. My friend and I had a long distance relationship that lasted only about 7 months until it got cut short and we lost contact again. Our young and busy lives took a toll on us but I’m sure that when we see each other again, we’ll still see the twinkle in each other’s eyes of our youth, our first kiss, our first love.