Apologue #35: Fantasies Gone Wrong

I feel that I shouldn’t daydream or fantasize about Mr. Right anymore. As a woman and a young girl at heart, this will definitely be a challenge but it’ll make my love life so much easier. Let me break down the dirty details.

Two weeks ago, as I was visiting friends back in my college town, I also got in touch with my good friend, Timothy. My lunch date with Tim was actually right after my breakfast brunch with Ron the same day. Go figure. Anyways, Tim and I are friends but we’re not greatly acquainted yet. We have hung around each other with large groups of other friends but never alone to just talk, this lunch was our first date.

To brief up Tim, he’s a real sweet and hard-working kind of guy. He is nerdy and quite brainy, but he also knows when to let it loose and have fun too. Tim is hard to talk about because I can say a lot of what he can do but I can’t talk much about what he’s like. I know him well but I don’t know of him.

But the Tim that I do know, I am very attracted to. I like his nerdy persona and his geeky ways. One day we’d be talking about linguistics and why the English language changes meanings in its course over generations and then next, he’ll randomly burst out to Disney songs with his guitar. He’s not spontaneous but he can be unpredictable. That’s what makes him an awesome nerd. So I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about him from time to time.

I’ve daydreamed about him before and how our life would be if we’d been together. I feel that it would be a lot of fun but at the same time we’d know when to buckle down and be serious too. We’d have Doctor Who marathons as we snuggle on the couch and then dress up as wizards and witches on Halloween and brew up Butterbeer for our friends at our dinner parties. For leisure we’d read and sing Disney songs together and put on our own show of the entire movie with no one to show. At least, that’s how I fantasized what kind of couple we’d be.

I haven’t thought of him much lately until recently one couple started to suggest that we should start seeing each other and that we’d make a cute couple. We’re both nerdy, have the same interests, and are looking for a good companion. So, why not? I called him up for a lunch date to see if there really can be something good between us the minute I arrived into town.

The lunch date turned out to be a lot of fun. It wasn’t at all awkward considering we haven’t talked in the past couple of months, and we really got caught up in the moment of just getting to know each other better. I was really surprised and happy to know that even though I thought he wasn’t interested in me per se, at least he remembered my areas of interest, what programs I was interested in when it comes to studying and thinking about going back to school, which honestly isn’t something hard to remember unless the person is at least a good friend. So it was a good thing to know that at least, he and I are at a good starting point.

But throughout lunch as I was asking about his future plans and if he’s been seeing anyone, I was glad he was honest with me and told me how he went on a blind date recently, but other than that he has no interest of starting anything with anyone new any time soon. Even when I hinted of my availability and seeing if he’d catch up to what I was referring, he was reserved and his body language with his arms crossed throughout our conversation was sign sure enough that he wasn’t interested.

Not to also forget that as I was sitting there and talking to him, I really got to feel what I was fantasizing about him, and it turns out that he wasn’t at all like what I thought he would be. Sure, I really wouldn’t know given that I haven’t personally dated him. But even while we were together, he wasn’t his nerdy self — he seemed more refined, reserved, and strangely critical. He wasn’t at all the warm and carefree nerd that I found attractive. Picture Chandler from “Friends” that suddenly changed into a Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory.” Get the picture? Both attractive respectively but not what I came looking for with Tim.

I’m not really a forward person but I am the type that doesn’t want to lose a good chance when given the opportunity. I felt that he and I could have something special and considering how I no longer reside in the same place that he is in now, I felt that this type of chance where I can see him wouldn’t come often so I did all that I felt be fit for the timing. Sure, it didn’t turn out well but at least I know that we may not have been compatible as I had dreamed we would be.

So, what am I trying to say? Stop all girls from fantasizing their Mr. Right? No. That’s an impossibility. But at least have the sense to get to know who you’re fantasizing first before you start making up things that don’t even exist would be a great start. I knew that guy enough to fantasize what we would be doing together what I found enjoyable and I know he finds enjoyable too, but it turns out I was still wrong because maybe that’s something he doesn’t do to be intimate with a girlfriend. I’ll never know. But maybe toning down the fantasies can help you in seeing and getting to know the guy you’re crushing on before you break yourself within your own bubble. It’s not a good feeling having to burst your own bubble from a fantasy gone wrong.

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Apologue #31: Creepy Coincidences

Have you ever had signs or coincidences that come across your path when it comes to relationships? Or have you gone searching for them in hopes that it leads you to a more positive light in encouraging your decisions? I’m one of those people that don’t bother too much when it comes to coincidences just because I believe it to be more of situations that were bound to happen. I will admit that I look for signs in guidance to my decision-making skills when it comes to the beginning stages of relationships. But today, the encounters that I had this past weekend are boggling my mind in a disturbing way that I feel that I should write them down in hopes of better understanding what just happened. Here’s my story . . .

I had a spur of the moment, spontaneous four day weekend granted to me by surprise from my boss which I took at first chance and went straight to a mini road trip back to my old college town of my undergrad days. It was the perfect trip to make because I had a friend that was going to get married soon that I really wanted to see and congratulate just because I couldn’t make it to their wedding in January. After spending a good amount of the weekend with the couple, I went ahead and had a brunch date with my good friend, Ron.

I’ve talked about Ron before. He’s the sweet friend of mine that doesn’t believe he is fit to be anyone’s “Prince Charming.” To fully understand what’s been bothering me, I’ll do a quick recap of our friendship relationship. Ron and I have only known each other for a good year and a half but we became close pretty instantaneously. We were in the same department back in University plus we have similar personalities. Our friendship is a great one full of spunk, secrets, and even intimacy.

There were many times when people believed we were dating. We are very comfortable with each other and have even jokingly played the “girlfriend and boyfriend” game just because it’s fun and we’re two lonely single people. Many times we would text and call each other “sweetie” or “babe” as a nickname when starting conversations. We didn’t care, it was all for show.

But I will admit that there have been few circumstances where I had my doubts about this kind of friendship we had. It definitely wasn’t friends with benefits but there was also something indifferent between us. Sometimes, these nicknames seemed real and I was confused of how well Ron would treat me. Our phone conversations were usually at least two hours each time. We frequently had dinner and coffee dates. Our shortest date on record was five hours and our longest has been twelve. And we have had moments where we both have felt and said that we didn’t want to leave each other and just talk (and talk is usually what we did.) Surprisingly, he had a lot to say for a man.

Our talks and heart-to-heart conversations were always bound to just the two of us and I trust him with all my heart. We have great emotional intimacy but never had anything physical. Then I moved away because of a new job and he stayed back. Since my move, I have only visited him twice in this first year I’ve been away. Both times great and intimate but of course only lasts a month or so before we crawl back to our daily lives and we don’t talk for months again.

So, back to my original topic of coincidences, I visited him for a brunch date this weekend and was shocked to find news that he started seeing someone. One week to be exact and I congratulated him for it. I was happy for him because he needed someone good in his life, and him dating has definitely cleared up a lot of what has happened between us until I asked what his new girlfriend was like.

It really shocked me to the core when I found that she has the same name as I do, along with the same age, same background and personality, and when he showed me a picture of her, a very similar facial structure. Like I said, I don’t believe in coincidences but this was really creeping me out. I mentioned how similar her and I were and he just laughed saying I was right and I was given nothing more.

Later, as he was talking about the process in the development of their relationship, I started to notice an emotion of despair in his voice. As much as we were similar, she does have characteristics that are of total opposite to myself and he’s been having trouble in those general areas. He shared how there are some cases where he just can’t understand her and that it’s only been just a week since their relationship started but already he’s been thinking too much and having doubts.

I tried my best to listen and give him the advice any friend would give him. I told him that she was now his priority and he must do his job in appreciating her efforts for him and that he should pay attention and also give her the benefit of the doubt. As much as I can see how much he cares for her, I had inklings of feelings that this wasn’t going to last.

He had also mentioned that he had someone else that he had liked before the start of this current relationship and that was the reason it took him so long to go along with this relationship because he didn’t succeed with the other. It made me wonder if that other person was me.

Hearing about how stressed he is hurts me as a friend. Seeing him as a man in a sudden relationship has definitely shocked me as a woman. Was I jealous of this relationship? Did I have an attraction for Ron but never noticed? Or does he look good now because he’s no longer available? These are questions that are roaming inside my head and I can’t honestly answer.

As he was looking at me for advice and pleading for the right answers in what to do, I did give him advice as I normally would have. He also noted that he may frequently call me up or text me more than usual when in dire need. I made a promise to myself that I probably wouldn’t respond unless it was an emergency. I don’t want to be the cause of what could happen if given the wrong advice. It’s better to avoid these situations altogether just in case one part of me becomes tempted to ruin his relationship so I can obtain him for myself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself for being the “other woman.”

Am I going overboard with this? Was it all just a trick of how life is full of surprises? Some people may say these cases are synchronizations. That these kinds of things just happen to revolve around our lives consistently but we just now notice them because we want them to give us a reason in doing something about it. I’m really unsure of everything.

Should I do something about it if I feel that I need to? Should I make some changes and take some chances?

Apologue #29: I’m Not Attracted to You Anymore!

Cruel, I know. I was randomly flicking through channels this past weekend and stopped myself at TBS and saw they were programming “The Change-Up.” There was one part of the movie that kind of stuck on me and it was the part when the male lead (who actually isn’t himself) turns to his wife and abruptly says, “I’m not attracted to you anymore.” The wife, of course, is heartbroken and thinks what she just heard with eyes glistened reliving what he says for days without any idea what to do.

So I began to wonder. What do you do and what can you say when your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend says this to you? I suppose the wise thing to say if you’re married is to work out the problem and stick to it strong. I really believe that that is what marriage is all about. Not that just because you’re married, all problems can magically be solved. With relationships and dating, I’m actually not too sure what would be the right thing to do.

So, I talked to a friend. This friend is known to kind of . . . what’s the right word . . . “hop” around dates and relationships. Of the five years I have known this friend, they have never surpassed three months in a relationship. No matter how good, it just never reaches three months. My friend isn’t too promiscuous, at least they don’t cheat, just “enjoys” themselves.

So I asked if this kind of scenario has happened to them or has anyone said that to them. I was surprised to get a double yes. Of course we all know it would suck if someone said this to us without having to experience it. But to actually say it, I can’t ever imagine saying these words with my own lips to anyone.

My friend on the other hand says that they have used this line multiple times because 1) it’s a sure deal breaker and will lead to a break-up if they feel no matter what they say to their significant other they just won’t let go and 2) honesty, it’s actually the truth. When I listened to what lead to the attraction from falling apart, it was usually things that bugged them. Some were quite humanistic. I especially liked the one where on one date, they had a dinner buffet date and the significant other ate too much and so they had to unbuckle their jeans and rest up for an hour with their protruding belly popping out for the whole world to see before being able to leave the restaurant. I found it amusing whereas my friend found it distasteful. We all have our differences.

Personally, when I am single, I do tend to jump around person to person too (remember that I said when I’m single, please). I don’t linger eyes on other men when I’m taken. But when I’m single, my attraction level to men do hop around often. One week I may be thinking about one man and thinking possibilities and then if I don’t see you or hear from you, I hop to the next guy that I find attractive.

I surprise myself how sometimes every different man has a characteristic I can fall for but in the end I slide back down to reality and don’t deal with it. I like being single too much. It’s times like these when I do worry, if this tendency can happen when in a relationship. So far it never has, but it certainly can. And I wonder about it and think on it hoping it never does. So, I guess my real thought of the day is, where is the line that I might and how do I prevent myself from letting it happen?

Does attraction leave us when we’ve been in a relationship with someone for a long time? I don’t think so. Does it leave us when our significant other has annoying habits we have no control over? Maybe, maybe not. From my experiences, attraction comes with a price. Something I see in someone that I can’t find elsewhere.

At times like these I hope my future admirer will have many surprises that will enlighten me forever. But then again, I’m not perfect either. I also believe that attraction comes in many different forms. It’s not just all you see, but can be what you feel or sense, a character, etc. Attraction scares me the more I delve deeper into it just because it is so unknown, even within myself.

Like I said, it’s something I find attractive that I can’t find elsewhere. To me, personally, it’s not anything physical. It’s mostly character and skill. And then there are rare times where I just don’t know why I’m attracted to someone. That’s why I scare myself. I could just be too reasoning but things I find out about myself that I didn’t know of is always thought-provoking.

Nonetheless, I feel this has been another rambling post with no known conclusion. Maybe attraction isn’t meant to be figured out. But to suddenly lose it and finding it elsewhere will probably always linger within me. Or maybe I should just stop over-analyzing movie scenarios to my daily life. TBS, you will be the death of me.