I Just Can’t


I’m mad at myself, not you.

I’m mad for always being nice,
always apologizing for things I didn’t do,
for getting attached,
for making you my life,
depending on you,
wasting my time on you,
thinking about you,
forgiving you,
wishing for you,
dreaming of you.

But most of all, for not hating you, which I know I should . . .

But I just can’t.

Advertisements

Apologue #48: The Red String of Fate

Ever hear about the red string of fate? It’s all about love. The red string of fate, also referred to as the red thread of destiny, red thread of fate, and other variants, is an East Asian belief originating from Chinese legend and is also known to be used in Japanese legends, as well. According to the myth, the gods tied an invisible red string around the ankles of men and women who are destined to be soul-mates and will one day marry each other. Often, in Japanese culture, it is thought to be tied on the pinky finger.

The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers — regardless of time, place or circumstances. The magical string may stretch or tangle, but can never break. The myth is similar to the Western concept of soul-mates or a destined flame.

There are many folklore tales such as these in other foreign cultures that I have heard about. I remember one Greek legend about how humans used to two beings born to be stuck together by the hip, until the gods split everyone up into single beings, and so we search wholeheartedly of our other “missing” half/twin. The concept of soul-mates through legends that transverse through time and in different cultures are always so captivating to hear about and learn.

We all know that these legends have been romanticized dramatically to aspire young people about love, but I’ve always had a heart for them and will always lend an ear to hear more. Believing in destiny has become a young person’s game but it never hurts to dream every once in a while under a blue moon.

Picture Perfect

“Life is full of surprises and adventures, but sometimes it’s the seemingly ordinary moments that make life special. Picture Perfect is a tribute to those little moments and a reminder to cherish each and every day.” The Jubilee Project is one of my favorite channels on YouTube, you should definitely check out more of their work, it’s all so wonderful. Here’s to another beautifully made short film that I wanted to share with everyone. Enjoy! ๐Ÿ™‚

Just Friends

I know that I don’t own you,
and perhaps I never will,
so my anger when you’re with her,
I have no right to feel.

I know that you don’t owe me,
and I shouldn’t ask for more;
I shouldn’t feel so let down,
all the times when you don’t call.

What I feel, I shouldn’t show you,
so when you’re around I won’t,
I know I’ve no right to feel it –
but it doesn’t mean I don’t.

Lang Leav

Apologue #47: Bad Boys Always Win

I honestly don’t know how else to put it, but I speak the truth when I say that the bad boys always win. It’s not because they cheat or play dirty, it’s because we as women find this kind of assertive and aggressive behavior mysteriously attractive and a new wild adventure. Trust me when I say that I always root for the good guy, but sometimes, my heart lingers for the bad and there’s just no way of stopping it.

I honestly don’t know why it happens. You know when you’re sitting in front of a movie and you see everything unfolding and there’s always that one super, sweet guy that loves the girl wholeheartedly and then there’s always that one jerk who lingers with no feelings whatsoever but the girl keeps following him like a lost puppy and loves him no matter what happens? Doesn’t it just drive you nuts?

I see it happen all the time. ALL the time. Not just on the silver screen but in real life. It just drives me crazy because you can already see what’s going to happen and what the girl should do to get her happily ever after, but she just dumps it all down and runs the other direction. So, I got myself to thinking — ย what’s that drive, that the bad boys have that makes the girl come to their side?

I’ve never been the type to like rebellious men. I find them a nuisance to handle. Interested in dating a player? Highly not recommended for any lady. So that’s out. Then it must be the fixer-upper! Absolutely not! Now, why would I go on with all of my effort to try and fix something without knowing if it’ll pay off back to me later on? That’s trouble brewing and I don’t have the time.

Honestly, I can ramble for hours about this and it won’t get anywhere closer to the real deal. Everyone has heard all of these reasons. It’s because bad boys are “charismatic,” “rebellious,” it’s “unknown territory that we want to discover” and conquer (did I say that out loud? Not really). There’s lists upon lists that can go on about why we choose them but the truth is — the heart wants, what the heart wants.

Not satisfied? I’ll recap on how I got here. Currently I have been sweet-talking to two really good friends of mine. One is a friend that I’ve lost in touch with for a while but we’re reconnecting again. He’s always been a sweetheart and listens ever so well to everything I say and respects me greatly as a friend and a woman. The other is definitely a heartbreaker. He teases me and makes fun of me, and will never miss an opportunity to make fun of the guys I date saying they’re not even real men yet and are silly boys and does everything to creep under my skin.

That’s it. It’s simple. Going with my movie gut, I should most definitely pick the good guy, right? He’s always listening and sweet to me, and takes good care of my feelings. I know that if I were to date him, he’d treat me real good and I’d get what I deserve. But that’s the thing, I’ll already know how he’ll treat me. There’s no room for surprises or anything new because it’s so predictable, maybe even a tad boring. No matter how good of a girlfriend I would be for him, he’ll always be good. No matter how bad of a girlfriend I would be, he’ll still be good. Kind of painful to think about.

But my heart is already moving towards the jerk. It’s not because he’s unpredictable, I already know he’ll make fun of me even more if I were to say I’m interested in him. He’ll probably make me cry each night because he’s already done it a couple times. He pisses me off and gets me flustering mad when he ignores me and doesn’t text/call back. But at the end of day, he’s already crawled beneath my skin and itched his way to my heart that I can’t hear what my brain is telling me. Painful, again.

I’ve always thought of the girls in the movies that choose the bad guy to be brainless and stupid to ruin their own lives, stripping away their own happiness. Now that I’ve been there, I realize that you can’t stop your heart for beating something that it feels to be right even though you know it’s wrong. You can’t stay away from it.

So why do bad boys always win? Because your heart’s a fool and you let it.

The Sun Threw Stones and the Moon Wept

They never really tell you how the moon got all those deep bruises.

The story goes that the sun saw her one night as he was leaving the sky. He was so taken by her silver face, so calm and beautiful, that he felt himself changed at just the sight of her. In a thoughtless trance, he picked up a few stones and threw them towards her in order to get her attention.

But the sun was too strong, and the stones skipped over the black river of the sky and crashed into her with such a force that she fell back. After the stones settled, they began to spread large bruises across her face. The longer the stones stayed, the deeper the bruises got.

The sun watched in horror as her face begun to turn dark and patched with craters the size of the stones. He couldn’t make his way to her, for there was a barrier that kept them from ever touching.

The moon cried, and the oceans swelled under her pain. Her face was no longer the smooth silver jewel it had once been. She looked across the sky and saw the deep orange sun with a stone still in his hand. She never asked him why he did it, and he could never get close enough to tell her that it was because he loved her.

The bruises never faded, and neither did the moon’s sadness. The sun never forgave himself, so at the end of each day, when he saw the moon take her place, he turned deep orange before turning away.

Some days, when they are both seen in the sky together, you can hear the sun trying to tell her that he is sorry, and that her bruises are beautiful.

alonesomes

Apologue #46: My Six Types of Love

Within the many different archetypes of loves in this world, I have tuned myself to remember the six types that most people will encounter in their lives. Some were good, some were not so hot, and some were downright outrageous but experience-wise, it was all good in the name of love. Who knew there were so many types? Let’s go see what we can dig up!

First is Eros: a passionate, physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment aka the stereotypical “romantic” love. This one is the hot spot of all relationships. The most memorable and fun, romantic and blissful. It’s the one where you can’t entangle your hands away from each other and you’re not particularly doing anything but constantly attached to the hip.

I try to be romantic every once in a while even though I dream of romanticism every day. But the one I remember most in this type of love was with a dear friend. Our emotions and experiences were constantly challenged and heightened with each new experience because everything was so new both of us. There’s tingling just by locking eyes even though you aren’t kissing, your smile feels like it’s hooked up onto your ears and you can’t help it because everything that your eyes see feels like a dream and feels so surreal, his small touch on your hair sends shivers down your spine — it’s just unbelievable. I don’t know if it was because I was young and naive or because this was the first time in everything, but you get hooked like a drug, wishing you’ll never come back to reality.

Ludus: a love that is played as a game or sport; think conquest. Toying with someone’s emotions and playing them for sport, thinking of conquest, is WRONG. You can’t conquer over someone. Sure, you could dominate, heck, it could even potentially be called a game even in the idea of thinking of the whole relationship concept as a “dating game.” That’s as far and close as I have ever gotten my hands dirty in the thrilling idea of the “chase” in pursuit of gaining someone’s heart driven from my true feelings.

Storge: an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity. This love is everybody’s sappy first love. It’s the story we all know and always talk about. You either learn from it or get real hurt by it. It’s tough love falling for a close friend. My advice, the relationships you make from friends are best from friendships with long histories because even if it doesn’t work out in the end, the friendship may still take a toll but will eventually come back with some leeway because of the friendship history to come back on. Short term friendships don’t work so hot in these areas.

Pragma: love that is driven by the head, not the heart. This is a problem area for me because I feel that since I’m very calculative, I’m always in this area in the scheme of beginning relationships. I can’t help myself to plan out the ideas and see prospects of what could happen. I watch out for my own back too many times that I missed out on great opportunities. No one feels romantic by someone who uses their heads too much in a heart-filled place. As a woman, I’ve learned that it’s okay to be strong, but every once in a while, you need to lean on your man and trust him in order for things to come into perspective.

Mania: obsessive love; experiencing great emotional highs and lows, also being very possessive and often jealous lovers. I can confidently say that I have never been possessive over my boyfriend. Sure, I have been jealous a couple times but I have never obsessed over him to the point where I would want to control him. That’s ridiculous. But, I have had boyfriends that had a mania love towards me where they were extremely over-protective of who I meet and where I go. I can think of two exes that fit this category perfectly solely on behavior and mental analysis.

Of the two, there was one that was a fine boyfriend all-around, but he was indeed the type that goes bonkers and just mad hare crazy when he can’t reach me. I remember one time, I was at some meeting with a couple of friends and I had my phone on vibrate in my purse and didn’t know he was calling. I had already told him where I would be but he called to reach me nonetheless. By the time the meeting was over (which was about 2 hours), I found myself with about 30 missed calls and equally 30 voicemail messages. He was the type that even though he knows where I would be, since he’s not there with me, he HAS to find out and know I’m okay and safe. Possessive much? A little bit. Controlling? Not really. But SUPER-OMEGA-OVERPROTECTIVE.

Lastly, Agape: a selfless altruistic love, like spiritual. To love someone that transcends all other meanings of love and bring out an emotional and spiritually connection of bondage between me and my literal, soul-mate — has not happened yet. This is the type of love that I am still direly searching for. I have found this type of love that I share with God, and I feel that it only exists exponentially with a deity. We as humans have too many driven feelings of joy, sadness, jealousy and fear that I don’t believe we can love another human being such selflessly. I’m sure the meaning is different between married couples, and of course a parent to a child. There is a special bond of love there and I’m sure we can love unconditionally, but to connect to a spiritual level of selfless altruistic love without any personal selfishness — I feel, among humans, seems close to impossible.

Unspoken Heart

What do you do when you’re the matchmaker and you fall in love with the person you’re supposed to be helping for the set-up? Here’s a corny yet cute video sharing one matchmaker’s love story. Along with the lyrics that create the perfect mood for the film is the song, “Unspoken Heart” sung by Status Single. Having a hard time spitting it out? Check this out and see if it helps, enjoy! ๐Ÿ˜€