Apologue #39: On Your FIRST Try!!?

   
   
   

One of my dear obsessions is definitely “Friends.” I can quote anything from it in any given situation in my own personal life without blinking an eye. It’s definitely my go-to sitcom whenever I’m eating alone, or need a pick-me-up, or even background noise. I’m 100% a Chandler when it comes to personality but with marriage, Ross totally hits the target.

I feel that even though I won’t marry as many times Ross did, coming that close to finding the “One” and then losing it because it wasn’t something you thought it was will probably happen to me often. When I was younger and more optimistic about love and finding my soul-mate, I believed in everything that I saw and felt. Now that I’m older and have met enough men to know better, I can’t trust what’s there to be real anymore and won’t believe the love that I see and feel to be true.

Talk about being heartbroken and deceived too many times to make me feel less of a woman, sheesh. The talk of marriage is everywhere now that most of my friends are hitched. Especially close friends and even my family all know about it.

This past weekend, a close girlfriend of mine tied the knot and my parents were ecstatic to hear everything about it and how it went when she called today. Of course she sent a couple texts from her bridal photo shoot and some from the actual wedding, and my parents were very pleased to see them and we are all very happy for her.

But of course, as we all know, as soon as we were done looking at pictures the hurricane of attacks on when I will marry, or at least start dating, blah blah, all your friends are now married, blah blah blah, by the time they have kids and they’re off to kindergarten you may still be single, etc etc. It gets real tiring when you hear this kind of ranting since you were twenty one years old.

But no matter how much I hear about how happy and blissful the couples are even with their faults and mistakes, plus how good the marriage is turning out to be, it really fascinates me every single day how these people find each other. I’m realistic but I do try to be optimistic in life, but I’m one of those people that believe it takes a miracle for two people to fall in love at the exact time to have something special, nonetheless even more if you’re planning on a marriage together.

I’ve been engaged once before to know that love is not perfect and it isn’t meant to be. I’m not foolish and naive that marriage will always be blissful and nothing but rainbows and butterflies. I know it takes a great amount of effort, patience, and a whole lot of love to live with someone and start a family together. So how is it, that others can do it so well but not myself?

I can’t say that having trust issues is the reason why I can’t believe in men because all women have trust issues. This excuse is like the foundation of everything when it comes to putting your faith on men. I can’t say that I have too much experience in dating thus marriage doesn’t work because I’m actually lacking experience and still do believe in the sanctity of marriage. I can’t say that I’ve had the worst luck in finding good men and having good relationships because I did find decent men, it just didn’t work out the right way at the right time.

These days, I’m having a hard time realizing whether I’m normal because I can see all the good and bad of marriages or if I’m blinded that I don’t see enough good in the hearts of men to began anything. It’s like I’m Ross. I believe in love and I do go after what the heart wants — but the only difference between Ross and I, are that he keeps believing that it’ll end out happily ever after and I test if it’s really happily ever after.

I need assurance that I can trust the man and it’ll be alright, but if the man doesn’t give it to me, I don’t ever see the happily ever after. Most of us girls dream of our perfect fantasy wedding and what kind of “prince” we’ll end up marrying and how we’d live our dreamy fairy tale. I personally, can only go so far into the fantasy wedding and I can’t go beyond imagining what the marriage will be like because I’m too afraid to go beyond my fantasy and be shattered by the truth, as if I don’t deserve a fairy tale of my own.

Is it just me? It boggles me because there are more people finding each other and happily getting married and there’s less of people like me that wants to question everything before it’s too late. Am I too cautious or am I just bat-crazy? Leave comments and talk to me about your opinions. I can’t be the only one!

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6 thoughts on “Apologue #39: On Your FIRST Try!!?

  1. I understand the feeling. I think that marriage is one of the biggest gambles people take. Seeing all my friends getting married so confidently and with what I see as blind faith/trust in their partner seems a little crazy to me. Especially the ones that have arranged marriages (I’m of Indian background, it’s still praticed even though I’m not from india). I don’t understand how and why you pledge to spend the rest of your life with someone you barely know.

    • I can’t agree more. It really is a gamble in itself. And I commend people who have found their other half and maintaining what really is a blissful marriage. Where does all that confidence come from? It will always bewilder me.

      Especially arranged marriages, as well. That sure is a lot more of a problem compared to giving in and trusting the person you can rightfully choose to marry. I have heard that through time you can grow to love the person, but who couldn’t try to love once it’s already been arranged and there’s nothing left to do?

      Marriage really isn’t a game to be easily played.

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