Apologue #4: Our Song

I have a song that I never listen to. It’s such a shame because it’s such a beautiful song that was amazingly written and sung by an extremely talented singer. It’s one of those songs that creep under your skin and cling on to every part of your body that you can’t wretch it out. It sticks to your mind and squeezes at your heart that you feel like you’re suffocating and short of breath. It’s a song that I can sing out to you in perfect memory but it’s also a song that puts me through my misery.

It used to be a song which was “our” song, but it’s no longer ours to share. It’s kind of heart-wrenching and painful when you haven’t heard it in a long time and suddenly hear it after years of practice of trying not to run into it. Listening to the lyrics brought me back so many painful memories of my past (especially the one that this song was dedicated to). It brings back our happiest moments and our worst moments from our journey together.

How can it be that after all this time, listening to it still brings back the tears to my eyes? It’s funny because it became our song when I was the one that sang it as my confession of endearing love. Listening to it again, each word from each lyric stabs my heart. If it still hurts, does it mean that I am still in love with that person? I really, REALLY hope that isn’t so.

A song can be just a song but I guess I personified it so much that it’s begun to haunt me and it feels so real. I first sang this song to someone I loved back in about 2004 or 2005. After the break-up, I didn’t listen to it or come across it for almost seven years. When I did come back to it, I listened to it on repeat for a whole day and just cried in my car as I was driving, with no destination in mind. Just listening and my car to take me wherever the roads led me. I drove a good 300 or so miles and passed through two major cities in my state until I came back home and listened to it some more before drowning in sleep. Now it’s been almost another two years, and I came across it by chance again. It’s funny how I keep coming back to it;  it’s not really a song that was ever popular or played on the radio. Hence it keeps haunting me by drawing me back to the source.

This really scares me . . . Not that I keep running into it, but because I fear that this song isn’t just another memory of my past but something that is still meaningful to my present. I’m currently deciphering my own feelings to figure out if it’s just the pain that brings back the haunting or if I am still in love with the person from my past, that I tried so hard to stay away from. If I’m not, and this all just ceases to a memory, I couldn’t ask for a happier thing. But if I am, not only was that person right all this time in knowing I would never be able to move on . . . but we wasted SO many years trying to fix this thinking that being apart was the best thing for the both of us.

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